Yep, tell them soon, before you get too involved with each other. It was never hard for me to let men know my feelings on motherhood--kids are almost everywhere.

It didn't hurt that I had my tubes tied when I was twenty-four, so it was pretty much a done deal. Men would express surprise when I told them, but they knew when I said "If you want children, I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere", that I meant it.

There might be a little disappointment for one of you after that, but it beats a huge heartache.

At the time I didn't know most doctors wouldn't do it unless you already had a couple of kids (which would defeat the purpose). I just talked to him about my decision and signed a disclaimer that I wouldn't sue him if I changed my mind later.

I guess I was convincing. Thirty years later, no regrets.

My first wife had her tubes cut and tied at age 24. She had already had two kids.

I make a good aunt, but my maternal instinct is practically nil. I knew when I was thirteen that I never wanted any children. By the time I graduated, that was reinforced by the number of my friends who had dropped out of school at 16 and started having kids. (I ran with The Wrong Crowd.)

They dropped out to get away from their moms and move in with their boyfriends, then ended up right back there with a new addition. Some things don't seem to change much.

To me, what's sad is when you swear you want kids, then change your mind after you marry, which is what happened to my best friend. She was heart-broken, but she didn't leave him. Probably thought he would change his mind. Instead, he decided he really didn't want to be a husband, either.

You can help your own cause by paying attention to your partner's feelings and ideas about kids. If he or she seems to be on the fence or willing to give up kids because of you, then that should be a big warning sign.

You can't ever be sure, though. Some people feel very strongly about it one way or the other, and then change their minds as they get older.

•••••It didn't hurt that I had my tubes tied when I was twenty-four,

What did you do, drug the doctor? (Hmm, that might be a bad idea.) Hold him or her at gunpoint?

Doctors will typically insist that you can't possibly know your own mind on this; that surely you'll wake up at 32 and howl, "EYYYYYE WANNNNNNA BAAAAAYBEEEE!"*****

Wow, pricklypear, you win the Internets. Seriously. I was 32 and had to BEG for a hysterectomy (LONG history of nasty female problems) and the doctor who finally did it (and who also commented that I MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND) finally agreed to it, once I told him I'd sign any manner of paperwork he wanted to absolve him from any responsibility. It did help that I was married at the time and my husband had 2 kids, I guess.

Still, he was a young doctor, and I could see he was a bit concerned that he could lose his practice over it. In the end, he didn't make me sign anything.

When I came back for my one-week post-op with an ear-to-ear grin and feeling better than I had in years, all he said was, "Well, look at you!"

I'd like to think I paved the way for a few more women, but I'll never know.

And Amy, that whole "You'll change your mind" thing makes me mental. I knew at TWELVE that I didn't want kids (good story there; remind me to tell you sometime). I suspect people who consciously choose NOT to have children have put WAY more thought into it than 90% of the people that chose to have kids. Let's face it - the consciously childfree know up front they're swimming upstream in a child-centric world, and they're going to have to CONSTANTLY justify why they didn't have kids. Which I find insane, actually, because rarely does anyone question why someone chooses to have kids.

Um, if you didn't put any thought into it, I'm kind of worried about you. Regardless of your decision, it would be nice if you showed evidence that you actually MADE one. I'd appreciate that. People who seriously consider the responsibilities and consequences of having a family generally tend to be the kind of parents who raise smart, responsible kids.

I've known since I was 12 that I didn't want kids. What gets me is when people ask, "But what if the right guy came along?" You mean, the kind of guy who can gestate a baby, give birth to it, nurse it, and do most of the caring for it as it grows up? All the stuff I don't want to do?

Then there's "you'll change your mind." As if nobody ever had kids and then changed their mind about that.

"But what if the right guy came along?"

Tell 'em he won't want kids,either.

You can plan that sort of thing?

This isn't to advocate for having children, but only my third child was planned. Had I been better at planning, I probably would've made the very logical and sound decision to not have any children and would never have harbored any regrets.

Having said that...holy crap do I love my children. It really is an indescribable thing.

That's just my experience. Not trying to be a douche bag and I certainly respect and relate to anyone that decides not to have children.

My experience has been that all women who don't have children of some sort will, by their mid-30s, change their mind. That is a small sample. The reason I same "of some sort" is to allow for one case where the woman was de facto married (i.e. by all appearances they were but didn't have any legal papers) had the guy had a kid and so she was sort of a foster mom. Though she did say she would like to have kid after they broke up but she was too old (~43) she was not all crazy about it.

I am distinctly reminded of a lady I dated for quite some time. When we met she soon informed that because of previous health problems she could no longer have kids - technically still possible so we needed to use protection - but extremely remote. I had to except we would not have kids. Which is what I wanted. Fast forward. She calls me and says we need to talk. She absolutely wants kids so long as they are hers...she can pass on adoption... she has already had some preliminary tests done and she has priced out the rest of the services. The next set of tests was $3000 out of pocket - there was a small chance they would indicate not to go further. Things looked good that with some $30,000 treatment she could get pregnant and I if I wasn't up for that I could hit the street. Which I did. A second round would be another 430k.

I have also found that in online dating that women answering no to if they want more children means, "No, unless I found the 'mr. right'" - most would flat out say that if I asked.

Oh, forgot. Even when I was 35 I good only find one doctor locally who would give me the snip since I didn't have any children and was not married. And he insisted I get this six week councilling/evaluation thing before...of course not paid for by insurance at all. Only if that said I understood the gravitate of the choice would it be done.

Now my brother who has kids had little problem getting one.

With all the "he's sleeping with seven women but I can't leave him!" letters, I've got to hand it to people who know when a deal breaker is a deal breaker even after so many years together. I knew my co-worker/friend's husband for years before they met and he'd always talked about kids. Until they started dating. She'd always hated them (even when we were kids) and tried to have her tubes tied at 21. All of a sudden he didn't like kids or want them either.

Luckily for him, she changed her mind when I got pregant and within a month had removed her IUD, decorated a nursery and was charting and temping to get pregnant asap. Lucky for now, anyway... I can't imagine two weeks of mulling over something you've been militantly against for 15 years would be considered "well thought" when you don't even like seeing your neices and nephews. But hey.

Anyway, I'm oldest of six by several years and have always wanted kids (my little siblings are my world)... but women especially get so much crap when they say they don't, it's ridiculous. I'd imagine the "Just wait and seeeeeee!" gets old REAL quick.

My husband is one of eleven. Everybody is alive and reasonably well, and when you get them all together with spouses and children it's really something.

What seems most amazing about them is that everyone is on speaking terms. No big holiday awkwardness, no fights over wills when their parents died, nothing.

But not one of them had more than two kids of their own, and five of them had no children at all.

My wife had her tubes tied during her first marriage (at 24, after 2 kids, and yes she nearly had to bludgeon the doc to get it done.) Skip ahead 15 years and we were now married, she decided that she would like more. Long story short, 2 adopted girls later, she has them. So, changing your mind is both possible and doable.

I was 32 and had to BEG for a hysterectomy... It did help that I was married at the time and my husband had 2 kids, I guess

I had mine at 25. I was still a virgin. I had horrible problems that just kept getting worse and I was also begging. That was mostly why I was still a virgin.

My OB/GYN actually told me that she would drop me as a patient if I kept asking. She told me I was too young, no husband, no kids, etc., etc., etc. My insurance changed and I went back to an older, male doctor, who I had seen before as a teenager. After reviewing years of history, he shook his head and said, "We can just take it out if you want."

I believe he agreed because he was of the generation that did view hysterectomies as the one and only cure of any and all female problems. But most of me doesn't care. I'm pain free.

Having said that...holy crap do I love my children. It really is an indescribable thing.

Yep, that's what my colleagues tell me. They also say that because I haven't had them I won't truly appreciate what I'm missing, so it's no tragedy. I buy that.

If my husband had wanted children, I would have had them and vice versa. However, neither of us really felt the urge. Regarding The Former Banker's experience, I'm 40 and the most I've ever felt is a sense that having children would be a good idea. There was never a driving need and the good of society or making my mother happy wasn't enough to take the plunge.

From the two who were able to get snipped:
"and signed a disclaimer that I wouldn't sue him if I changed my mind later."
" I told him I'd sign any manner of paperwork he wanted to absolve him from any responsibility."
I see the connection.

Sorry to say it but, the old phrase, "It's a womans perogative to change her mind " and lawsuits sound like they are what is causing the problem. True the changing her mind thing doesn't apply to everyone, but my own experience is it happens way more than not.

People get all up in your business no matter what your reproductive choices.

My friends have three kids, and they get shit from people who think they should have stopped at two. (They are financially stable and are good parents to all three of them.) A friend who has one child keeps getting comments that she should give the girl a sister or brother, never mind that having the one child she has was extremely difficult because of health issues.

I had a miscarriage in January, and now people feel free to comment on the state of my uterus based on what I happen to be drinking or eating.

I was another early articulator who knew at a very young age that I never wanted kids. I got the Essure procedure done at the age of 34. Mainly, I didn't want kids because I didn't want to put up with all their annoying crap and be broke all the time. At 42, I'm glad I don't have to put up with their annoying crap and be broke all the time. No regrets whatsoever - if anything, as time has gone by my view has been reinforced.

The "you'll change your mind" thing is really irritating. If you're not old enough to know your own mind at 24, wouldn't that apply to either opinion you might have? Why is it that you can't get your tubes tied at 24 if you don't want kids, but a 24-year-old would never be told they were too young to get fertility treatments because they might change their minds later?

When my writerfriend Sue Sisko gets asked if she has kids, she says, "No, I have sex for pleasure."

That's a weird, offputting response to a perfectly innocuous question.

I'm another one who knew very early on that I didn't want kids. I never played with dolls, and was only interested in animals, so I identified very strongly with Ellie May Clampett (The Beverley Hillbillies!).

I got the 'you'll change your mind' all my life, which never gets less annoying. I also had no luck with convincing a doctor to tie my tubes, and when I finally got one who would do it, I was already 40, so I just said why bother. I spent the last 20 years on the Pill, which I could have avoided if the doctor would have snipped me at 21.

I could see even when I was a kid that having kids was a lot of work and very expensive, so I never understood when people were surprised by this after they had them.

Interesting topic today.

As a new mom in my mid-30s to a 1-year old and another on the way (yes, I must be insane), I applaud women who decide they don't want kids and stick with their decision. I always wanted a family and certainly didn't have the emotional maturity in my 20s to handle it, but since I was 35 when I had my first baby, I was also well-ingrained into my fun, selfish, artist's life. Transitioning to motherhood is TOUGH, and the hardest job I've ever had, by far. Oh yeah, and you don't get paid. But that's a different thread.

I just think it's awesome when people are brave enough to be sure of something when they are young - especially in this society which treats women like they need babies in order to 'complete' themselves or some stupid shit.

And yes, I love the crap out of my kid, and am excited for him to have a brother or sister. But then I'm done with getting knocked up, and am going to try to get back to something *somewhat* resembling my former life. Because my identity is important, outside of being a mom.

And although I have no regrets and am happy with my choices, I do sometimes miss the days when all I had to worry about was whether I had enough rolling papers to make it through the afternoon!

Re the true but little discussed fact that people can also regret having children:

Years and years ago, the 21 year old sister of a guy I was dating got pregnant by a guy she'd been seeing for all of six weeks. She decided to marry him and have the baby.

Turned out to be a bad decision, at least the marriage part. He was a self-centered, emotionally and verbally abusive schmuck. Despite contraception, she got knocked up again when the baby was just over a year, and she had twins. She finally dumped Mr. Wonderful after months of his coming home to her, after she'd spent the day riding herd on a two year old and breast-feeding infant twins, and having screaming temper tantrums if she didn't want to have sex every night. So she wound up a single mom of three small kids.

Years later, when someone we both knew got unexpectedly pregnant despite contraception, and was debating whether to abort or have the baby, this woman was one of the few voices saying "Think very, very carefully about having that baby." She said to me that while she loved her children very much, if she could go back in time, she'd abort the first and dump the guy. I admired her honesty.

And if everyone who has children finds that, despite misgivings, they love those children too much for words once they're born, where do abusive and neglectful parents come from?

The L.W. doesn't have the problem. Her ex does. She was straight up, and he thought he could change her mind.

People who say "what if you change your mind" aren't thinking very hard. Most major decisions are hard, impossible or costly to undo. That doesn' mean it's better to quit making decisions or just go with the flow. If you choose not to decide, you've still made a choice.

The possible harm in not having children is regretting the lost opportunity later. The possible harm in having children is regretting other lost opportunities--plus harming innocents and having a huge responsibility you don't want or can't handle. If in doubt, don't.

Not everyone falls in love babies and parenthood. Some animals leave their young for dead for no apparent reason; humans do as well.

I could go on and on about horror stories from my family about what happened to kids that their parents had absolutely, positively no business bringing into the world.

I could go on and on about horror stories from my family about what happened to kids that their parents had absolutely, positively no business bringing into the world.

This is a hot button for me! I think it's because I grasp so keenly the idea that having kids is a choice. One that affects not just you, but the kids you produce.

When people lack the time, money, patience, maturity, or the other resources required for being a parent, yet they have kids anyway, their reasons are either selfish or nonexistent. And that really pisses me off, because they didn't HAVE to have kids and then mess them up. They could have done like me, right, and just not had them at all?

Seriously, when people say they are doing it because they want someone to take care of them when they're old, but then they say I'm selfish for not having them, I think, Wow, are you listening to yourself?

"I could go on and on about horror stories from my family about what happened to kids that their parents had absolutely, positively no business bringing into the world."

Re: my earlier comment about my friends who started being mother's right after they dropped out of high school to get away from their own mothers.

One of my friends had four sons before she was 21. The best I can say is that they all had the same dad, and she was married to him. Big whoop. He was an abusive asshole.

The second oldest has a scar on his forehead from Daddy throwing a glass ashtray at Mommy and missing.

I have all kinds of stories about this couple, but I'll leave at saying she was one of my earliest influences.

*****Would now be a good time?f*****

Sure. I was in 6th grade, in CATHOLIC school. I have no recollection of how or why this conversation started, but the teacher was going around the room asking us how many kids we wanted (indoctrinate them early, I guess). I remember panicking because I KNEW I wanted to say zero, but I ALSO knew that giving that answer in that setting was going to be a VERY bad idea.

The kid in front of me said, three, so I did too. Whew!

That was the first time I consciously knew I would never have kids.

Daghain, that is freaking funny! Sometimes those religious indoctrinators, they influence us, but not in the ways they intend.

And in other news, I just got done spending an hour of my time talking with Ali and Fatima, my next-door-neighbor kids, who are 6 and 8. They are a hoot, and boy they sure love my dog.

I had no idea how much cheating and elbow-throwing went on in a gradeschool track meet, but I am now enlightened. One of the little fuckers, according to Ali, was even throwing crackers on the floor, to make the other kids trip. "Crackers." hee hee hee ...

On the topic of regretting children:

My last girlfriend got pregnant at 15 - married the father at 16. Her husband verbally and physically abused her for over 5 years before she divorced him. After the end of her marriage, she had a breakdown and ended up letting her sister adopt her daughter. Despite all this, she suffered criticism from her family for divorcing her husband.

She visits her daughter; says she loves her dearly, but has also told me that she should have opted for an abortion.

I truly dislike abortion, but it's things like this that make me understand why women want the option.

-Joshua

LW, there is no way round this problem. I decided I didn't want kids when I was 18 - and over the last 20 years I've learned to bring it up as soon as possible in a relationship. It's got to the point where I usually refuse to date anyone my age (38 is a *really* bad age for this, and I don't want to waste anyone's time).

You said it upfront. Good for you. But you'll have to get used to people a) not believing you, or hoping you will change your mind, and b) leaving you over it.

I believe that a great many people will have a different outlook on a many things at 35 than they do at 12 or 22. Generally, I would consider that a good thing.

A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
Muhammad Ali

I always wanted a child or two. I was married and divorced in my 20s and thankfully I was very careful not to get pregnant with his child because I knew pretty quickly that it wasn't going to work.

All through my 30s I thought about doing it on my own but felt like it was such a huge responsibilty and was afraid of the financial aspects to go through with it.

I met my now husband at 45 and very quickly started early menopause. Knowing that ship had sailed and it was really out of my hands made me cry for 2 weeks. Then I got over it.

I realized I don't need kids to be happy. I was already happy and now had someone to share my happy life with.

We have a cat and life is just fine. I don't even like being around kids anymore! All that noise and messiness. No thanks!

*****I believe that a great many people will have a different outlook on a many things at 35 than they do at 12 or 22. Generally, I would consider that a good thing.*****

Generally, I would too, however, if you're not born with much in the way of maternal instinct, you're not. Sometimes it's not so much a choice as a fact.

You can plan that sort of thing?

Yep, absolutely. I understand that birth control can fail, but barring that, it's not very hard to not get pregnant. And barring any medical issues, it's also not that hard to get pregnant if you're trying.
My son was literally planned, down to his due date, before I was pregnant.

I suspect people who consciously choose NOT to have children have put WAY more thought into it than 90% of the people that chose to have kids.

I'd have to agree with you.

People who seriously consider the responsibilities and consequences of having a family generally tend to be the kind of parents who raise smart, responsible kids.

I certainly hope so.

I am apparently the odd fish in this group, in that I've known that I wanted to have kids, since I first seriously thought about it (around 12 or so). I'm 25, and my son was born last year. I knew I wanted him, and hopefully at least a few more, and planned my pregnancy when I was 23, after being in a stable relationship for three years, and being engaged for over a year (we have since married).

I did the same as this woman, to similar results. Not always on a first date, but I was always up front about wanting a large family, and guys who didn't want any kids, or more than one or two, quickly were cut loose. It was easier than getting involved long term with someone who didn't want the same things out of life as I did.
I should note that I would have been happy to wait for the right guy, and I do consider myself lucky to have found him earlier in my life than most people.

All of that said, I despise women who get pregnant with no forethought, and have much more respect for those who plan their lives, whatever their feelings on children.
I'd much rather have a whole neighborhood of Amy's around who have no kids of their own by choice, but are polite to mine, than a group of women who are as abusive to mine on the street as they are to their own at home because they didn't think, and are now frustrated with how their lives turned out.

Look - I have no problem with people who say they have no maternal instinct. It's your business. I don't care - and I mean that in the "I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone" sense of the phrase.

But it always reminds me of my girlfriend in college. When she was 18, she told me "I knew when I was 12 that I didn't want kids. I hate them". Hate!

When she was 25 and I played at her wedding, she told me her and hubby were resolved NEVER to have 'em. EVER! They HATED kids!

When she was 32 and I met her at a reunion? Still HATED kids and how they imnpacted your life. Hated!

And then when she was 39, she reversed herself completely. Had a kid. And then another.

By the way - When I was 12, 18, and 22 I hated kids, too. No paternal instinct whatsoever. Then I married a prefab family and had two of my own, whom I raised - 10 years as a miserable husband, 10 more as a single father. And it was the most grueling experience ever - and I wouldn't have skipped it if you held a gun to my head.

Hey, could we all agree on something? Could we expunge the term "Child-Free" from the English vocabulary? It reads like "Bug-Free" or "Mold-Free" or "Afro-American-Free", like children are something to be gotten rid of. I mean, say what you want - I don't care (ibid) - but for those of us WITH parental instincts (which are, by the way, largely mythical), it reads somewhere between insujlt and mockery.

And if you want to insult and mock, that's your business, but really, why?

Could we expunge the term "Child-Free" from the English vocabulary?

A lot of people like "childfree" because it suggests something different from "childless." Mainly, they don't feel like they are missing something by not having children. Not having children in liberating for them. I think it's as good a word as any.

Anyone who feels mocked but that...well, I don't quite know what to say. Some childfree people DO mock people with children or who want children, but that's how it goes sometimes. Mostly, I think it's intended to show that they don't feel like they're missing anything.

For the record, I'm not childfree. I just understand the desire to get out from behind the pity parents seem to have for people who don't have/want children.

Holy cow, I need to stop writing after three glasses of wine. Ignore the typos, nothing to see here....

I knew I didn't want children when I was an early teen and the girl I married at 22 didn't want children either, but she changed her mind without informing me until she was 10 weeks pregnant. She found she didn't like motherhood and did plan to continue smoking so I got clipped. When my son was twelve, it was bad enough that I had to perform a mommyectomy and walked out of court with sole custody and no money or visitation rights awarded to my ex. Back in '84 that was very unusual.

All in all, I wouldn't change anything about my single father experience and that is the solitary good thing that came from the marriage

Being honest about the desire or not for family is crucial in a relationship. Being honest with yourself is just as crucial.

I was raised Mormon in a large family. Unfortunately, all my siblings are fairly calm and were even rather orderly in our disobedience. I assumed that would be the same with me.

I discovered two things; I am good with kids from toddlers to about 10 and then I pretty much suck. I've raised four teenagers and still haven't a clue how to deal with them. Objectively looking back, I should have stopped at one or two.

I'm not alone, but it's hard for people to admit their parenthood choices weren't so good, especially when your kids get older and you reestablish a relationship with them.

A lot of people like "childfree" because it suggests something different from "childless."

Right. It changes it from "one has no children" to "one has rid their lives of children".

The semantics of "-free" are a lot different than "-less". It implies that the thing of which one is "Free" was negative, undesirable. "Cancerless" isn't really a word; "Cancer-free" is chocked with meaning. Likewise - "Jew-less" is almost meaningless; "Judenrein" ("Jew-less") has VERY ugly connotations.

Anyone who feels mocked

Not so fast. The opinions of people who don't have children in re matters of, well, children are of no meaning to me. If you mock someone in the woods and they aren't there to hear it (or are ignoring it), did the mocking exist?

I will say that my impression of the term - bespeaking shallowness and post-adolescent narcissism - comes largely from the first "child-free" "activist" (for lack of a better word) I ever met. I know they can't all be like her. Or at least they'd best hope not.

But again, it's just my view of the semantics. It's your life. Ignore at will.

Y'see, there you go! Amy's got it right - as befits a woman who wrote a book decrying rudeness!

In other words, one of the people society WANTS to have reproducing, won't!

(And "Judenrein" means "Jew-Free". Of all the places for my copy-editing to donk out).

True, but why do so many people with children get so defensive about it? Why do they care so much what other people think?

The opinions of people who don't have children in re matters of, well, children are of no meaning to me.

Says the little man, after two or three lengthy posts complaining about it.

"Childfree" doesn't mean you have "rid yourself" of children, it means you have PREVENTED them. And "It implies that the thing of which one is "Free" was negative, undesirable." Gee, YA THINK??? Newsflash, people who don't want kids usually DO view the impacts of children upon their lives as negative and undesirable.

That is not to say that we feel that way about children themselves - other people's kids are fine, for them, usually. But I said earlier that I didn't want kids because I didn't want to put up with their crap and be broke all the time. It doesn't mean I hate the next-door neighbor kids, but I am also thankful every day that I live in a time and place where I had the option not to have kids. As MonicaP points out, it's completely out of place for people to "pity" me for not having kids. I can say "childfree" and people understand that I'm not struggling with infertility. It conveys that it was by choice, so they can stop feeling sorry for me.

I think the term "childfree" clears up misconceptions. A lot of people will make uninformed judgments and assume you must have screwed up somehow by not settling for a "provider-type" man early enough in life, or that you must have foolishly put your career first, or other assumptions about why you find your poor, poor lonely self stuck in an empty life devoid of meaning because you didn't grow up quickly enough and put having children first. All of this assumption-making is based on their delusion that you want children but just didn't make good enough decisions in life to end up with them.

Referring to yourself as "childfree" conveys in one word, without the need for a lengthy explanation, that you didn't WANT children. And of course some people will pity you anyway for failing to see the light, and they'll simply make a bunch of other negative assumptions about you based on the fact that you don't want children (your parents must have abused you!), but at least you've presented the facts. At that point, their small-mindedness is the problem and there's nothing you can do about that.

Only three months ago I was at a company holiday party, and a woman on my project who I barely even know was totally freaking out about me not wanting kids. It started off with questions about why my boyfriend of five years and I haven't gotten married yet (yet???), and I replied because neither of us have any reason to.

So she said, 'I take it you don't want to have kids,' and I said no, neither of us do. So THEN she asked if I had any siblings, and I said yes, I have a younger brother. 'Does HE have kids?' No, neither he nor his wife want kids, either.

So she assumes this tragic expression and goes, 'Your poor parents!' I mean, WTF. What an ignorant cow. What does it take to drag some people out of the 16th century??? I've intensely disliked her ever since. So I'm a bad kid because I'm not giving my parents grandkids to which they are not entitled and which they don't give a tinker's damn about having anyway?

I know a 50 year old mom of 3 toddlers. She didn't want to get married, until she met her man in her mid 40's. She hadn't wanted kids till then, either. Some change their mind, some don't. I can't imagine being so militant about knowing I'd never want them enough to permanently sterilize myself, but I think women should be able to make that choice and Drs do it (men too).

I have always heard 'childfree' to be used to mean some one who doesn't want children.

I just wished there was a good way of knowing someone will actually continue to not be interested in having children. Of the woman I know in real life, 8 of 8 (100%) who had not had kids in some way (kids, step-kids, etc all count) decided they wanted kids. Just like momof4 described - I have seen it too many times (though never at that advanced age).

I also discovered on eHarmony that women who said they didn't want kids actual did. Around 75% when asked the standard question of what is your life dream would answer "having a family.' When I asked a couple about the apparent contradiction, the 3 I asked all answered that they only wanted kids if they found the right guy to marry & have kids with.

I would not be surprised if the OP changes her mind.

I am 58. At age 28 I was required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation before my then health insurance company would "allow" me to undergo a tube-tie procedure. NOTHING I have encountered since that time has changed my attitude about living child-free. I would have been a rotten parent--trust me. Even after all that, I was 52 before I found a doctor who would perfom my hystorectomy to correct some really nasty female problems with which I had lived for 38 years. I wish to Hell I could have gotten it done decades ago. My life would have been so very much easier!
P.S. I am still encountering women who archly inquire "No children?"

Old Thang, I feel your pain. It's annoying at 35, and I am pretty sure someone's head is going to roll if I'm being asked that question at 58, which I will, because I don't see children in my future (the door is 4% open, for those who need to know). I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the words and sentiments of all those on this thread who have defended a woman's choice to remain child-free (and the term "child-free"). I live in a freaking baby-factory of a town and get soooo sick of being treated like I have a disease because I'm not running around procreating just because I (presumably) can.

"and a woman on my project who I barely even know was totally freaking out about me not wanting kids"

I love these discussions, my japanese 63 year old neighbor (who is my mentor) told me if she could go back in time she would NEVER ever had kids.

People do regret them and very few admit it. Now if I were a lesbian I would probably have a stay at home wife with kids. But since I'm not the choice on whether to have kids still remains open.

For now my baby is my muscle car.

!! Lucy's not going to college?! !!

Call Puppy Protective Services at once, somebody!

Choosing to be childfree is one of the things that attracted my fiance and I to each other. We are very much looking forward to a life of DINK-hood (dual income-no kids) with just our cats to care for. We're both 27 years old and were lucky enough to find a urologist who was not only willing to perform a vasectomy on my fiance, but do it less than a week after our initial consultation. My man is recovering as I type. I would have been more than willing to have the procedure done myself, but the expense and recovery time as well as a lower rate of success of tubal ligation made having his done a no-brainer.

If we regret anything at a later day (which I cannot fathom happening) there's always adoption. Of more cats.

"that surely you'll wake up at 32 and howl, "EYYYYYE WANNNNNNA BAAAAAYBEEEE!" "

That about describes my sister at 31 ... I recall her insisting to me incredibly vehemently that there was 'definitely no way that at all that she would ever ever want kids, ever!' ... a few months later she happily decided to get pregnant, a few years later she'd had her second. Those instincts sometimes do just 'kick in'.

"Why is it that you can't get your tubes tied at 24 if you don't want kids, but a 24-year-old would never be told they were too young to get fertility treatments because they might change their minds later?"

Pirate Jo - I love you for saying this. Nobody ever asks people why they had kids, but they just can't help but ask, "why not?" and then, of course, say that I'll change my mind. Gah. At least I have that option - once you have a kid, well, that thing ain't going back where it came from.