Homo On The Range
I'm a 22-year-old gay male living in a small town. I've met three of the four men I've dated online. Three looked nothing like their pictures, and one was a total jerk. How am I supposed to meet nice guys I'm attracted to? If I see a cute guy in a coffee shop, I have to figure out whether he's gay, and I risk embarrassing myself if he's not.
--Gay In Nowhereland
Sure, as a small-town gay guy, it's much harder to find dates than it would be in one of the gay capitals of the universe -- like San Francisco's The Castro -- where leaving for work means bumping into the guy next door taking out the trash in hot pants and a feather boa.
Although straight people in Tinyville do have a bigger pool of potential partners, what you and many straight people everywhere have in common is the unwarranted indignation that the dating world was not immediately your oyster. Yes, meeting people is hard. Yes, people on dating sites misrepresent themselves. Sometimes, it's unclear whether they're even in the same species: "Truth be told, I'm three-quarters Italian and a quarter German shepherd."
What you have that straight people don't is the gay community -- or the possibility of a gay community. Either find it or create it. Online dates who turn out to be duds romantically can become friends or at least connections to other gay men. Maybe set up a First Friday drinks night for gay men in small towns around you and get all the rainbow-colored fish in one bowl. You might not immediately find a boyfriend, but you'll create a fun social scene that should prove more productive than spending three hours pretending to check your phone next to the lone gay video in the town video store.
That's true. I madet friends through dating sites, guys I didn't romantically click with but who were fun to hang out with. No reason gay guys can't. Get the ones who WEREN'T jerks together for a dinner party.
NicoleK at October 16, 2012 11:37 PM
I madet friends through dating sites, guys I didn't romantically click with but who were fun to hang out with.
Those guys remind me of me 10 yrs. ago. Once I stopped being "nice", I stopped getting LJBF-ed.
Jet Tibet at October 17, 2012 3:25 AM
Jet, it wasn't necessarily guys who -I- wasn't into, but also guys who weren't into me (at least didn't act like it), and who showed up at my parties with lovely dates and good times were had by all.
NicoleK at October 17, 2012 4:34 AM
I'm not sure the LW's problem is all that much different from what a straight guy would face in a small town, just amplified somewhat. The dating pool is smaller, and it's harder to maintain the kind of privacy one might find in a larger community. My Daddy, who grew up in rural South Dakota, said where he was raised, everybody knew what everybody else was doing, and the only reason anyone bought the weekly paper was to see if they got caught at it.
Old RPM Daddy at October 17, 2012 5:41 AM
Why not start a MeetUp?
And Old RPM, there's a very cute country song called "Everybody Dies Famous in a Small Town," about just this.
Dana at October 17, 2012 10:46 AM
Nowhereland, it's the way the world. Stop looking, and learn to be happy as a single gay man, and trust me—someone will come along to fuck it up and put you into a relationship.
David at October 17, 2012 3:40 PM
@LW You're young. Unless you just love the small-town vibe, I suggest move to a city. Experience some of life's adventures. Travel a bit. Meet people. See the world. Life's way too short to get stuck in some small-town rut that early. Go out and 'gather rosebuds while ye may'. You can settle down and move back to a small town later when you meet Mr Right.
Lobster at October 17, 2012 6:31 PM
I'm not sure the LW's problem is all that much different from what a straight guy would face in a small town, just amplified somewhat.
No, I can see where a gay man would face a significantly increased prospect of a more violent reaction than a straight man would. I worked with one who got the crap beat out of him for propositioning the wrong guy at a bar. Of course, he was drunk when he did, and he was a giant flamer anyway, so it was probably a far more blatant pass than most people would make, but still, it was a pretty rough result.
WayneB at October 18, 2012 11:58 AM
Fear of the being outed as gay in a small town is a legitimate fear, even in this so-called "enlightened" age. Where I grew up, the ending to "Brokeback Mountain" is a very real possibility. Stay safe, LW, and I think Amy and Lobster have the right advice.
bkmale at October 18, 2012 12:33 PM
Anything anyone does is big news in a small US town.
Andre Friedmann at October 18, 2012 7:46 PM
Have you considered attending a furry convention? Hear me out.
1. It's nowhere near the kink fest the media would have you believe.
2. Recent sociological studies estimate that around 50% of attendees are gay.
3. The attendees tend to be really nice, friendly people.
4. Even if you don't meet your "Mr. Right" you might have fun anyway, and make some new friends in the process.
In any event, good luck!
wallawallawanda at October 19, 2012 12:12 PM
Amy, gently humorous, yet succinct retort as usual.
Love the comments.
One must always be responsible for one's own bliss. Bloom where you're planted!
When I read the LW's quandary, I couldn't help but think of the UK comedy sketch Little Britain and Matt Lucas' bit "Daffyd Thomas - The Only Gay In The Village."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E27v-jmRmx0
Toronto Rosemary at October 21, 2012 2:49 AM
I can second Wanda's suggestion of the Furry Convention, and add this reason. It won't be in your hometown, so the likely hood of you running into anyone who knows you, and could out you, is very slim. You could also go to one of the big gaming conventions like Gen Con, Origins, Dragon Con or a Comic convention.
I have been to lots of conventions, and the people that attend these events are a wonderful and diverse group that accept you for who you are.I have made many many friends, and even met my husband face to face for the first time at a gaming con. (we met online in a game called Neverwinter Nights)
You have many options, hope you can find one that works as well as mine worked for me, good luck!
Kat at October 21, 2012 2:55 PM
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