Along Came Polygraph
My girlfriend is really insecure and gets furious that I meet my ex-girlfriend for lunch a few times a year. This ex and I broke up years ago, but I'd never cheat anyway, and I've explained that I have zero romantic interest in her. Still, she's a good friend and part of my life. How can I make my girlfriend understand?
--Badgered
Some people read poetry; your girlfriend lives it: "How do I love thee? You'll soon find out -- after I attach this car battery to your nipples and interrogate you about your lunch." Although your girlfriend's the one coming at you with the clamps, the truly unreasonable person in this relationship is you -- dating an insecure person and then expecting her to act otherwise. Sure, you could encourage her to build her self-esteem, but until she hits bottom -- like in a breakup -- she probably has no incentive to change. You need to either accept the trade-offs -- the hassle, the not being trusted -- or leave and get into a relationship where, as the saying goes, "love means never having to say 'I'm sorry the shackle attaching you to the basement wall is a little tight.'"
I always joke that I'd be more likely to cheat on my boyfriend with a handsome stranger on the bus, than with my ex -- whom I am no longer with for a REASON. I now regard my ex as a cousin -- someone I care for deeply and talk to a couple times a year, but whom I'd never have sex with (ew!).
LW, do you think your girlfriend would be open to having lunch WITH the two of you? When my boyfriend decided to revive a friendship with his ex, we all had dinner together, and it was incredibly obvious they no longer had feelings for each other. And, last time I had coffee with my ex, my current boyfriend came along (although he's also cool with me hanging out with my ex alone).
sofar at May 27, 2014 5:02 PM
"the truly unreasonable person in this relationship is you -- dating an insecure person and then expecting her to act otherwise."
This is why I luv ya Amy.
I don't keep in contact/see any of my exes. Reason? It's just not in my personality.
But I know it's perfectly fine to do. I'm actually not a jealous person...unless it involves shoes. Then fuck you.
Ppen at May 27, 2014 10:36 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/05/along-came-poly-1.html#comment-4690708">comment from PpenThanks, PPen -- and it's a mutual admiration society.
And hah -- yes, shoes.
Amy Alkon
at May 27, 2014 10:48 PM
I don't agree. I know very, very few women or men who would be ok with this. To me, no matter how secure you are, it's completely disrespectful. You had feelings once for this person, whats stopping a second go round? Or, conversely, why would you want to see this person socially if you broke up? Obviously something irks you about them....
wtf at May 28, 2014 9:29 PM
Wtf you can usually tell when someone still has feelings for an ex.
Some people start to view an ex like a family member including all sexual feelings pretty much dead and only replaced with fondness. And they like keeping in touch (ewww from my black heart), especially if they share same interests.
Ppen at May 29, 2014 1:19 AM
I've learned how to deal with the very-natural insecure jealousy feelings when I meet her ex(es)... I see them as her emotional support network, which takes a lot of the burden off of me.
jefe at May 29, 2014 1:21 PM
Quite a misandric statement. I'm sure if it were a woman whining about her current b/f, the tone would be quite different.
Redrajesh at June 5, 2014 9:15 AM
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