Is This Deceit Taken?
I'm a 54-year-old single man. I've discovered a troubling and apparently rampant trend among people around my age doing online dating -- women not being honest about their age. I think the women doing this include the woman I started seeing, whom I otherwise like a lot. She listed her age as 55 but recently got flustered recalling the year she graduated from high school. I got suspicious and looked her up on people finder sites, which list her age as 57. Should I tell her, "Hey, I've been doing a little detective work, and your numbers don't add up"?
--Just Trying To Find An Honest Woman
After a certain point -- the French tactfully call it "un certain age" -- a woman's birthday tends to come but once every two or three years. Sure, there are women who aren't willing to compromise their ethics just to shave off a few years: my glamorous grandma, for example, who was 31 until the day she died -- at 90.
I'm always a little surprised when anybody's surprised that somebody they met on the Internet lied about something. In fact, as I advise in my new book, "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," everyone on the Internet should be assumed to be lying about everything until proven otherwise. In other words, consider yourself lucky that she's female. And a mammal.
I write often about our evolutionary imperatives, like how men evolved to lust after healthy, fertile women -- all the better to help them pass on their genes. The features men consider beautiful -- like youth, unwrinkled skin, and an hourglass figure -- are actually indicators of a woman's fertility. And the older and further away a woman gets from peak fertility the more these features fade and the less desirable she becomes to men. Sure, a woman may grow wiser with age, and she may be a perfectly wonderful and kind person, but as I note in my book, "The penis is not a philanthropic organization and will not get hard because a woman bought a homeless guy a sandwich."
You could tell this woman you've caught her in a lie -- if your goal is embarrassing her into liking you more. But it isn't like she said she was 30 and turned out to be bumping up against 60. By the way, it isn't just women who engage in attractiveness-improving fibbery. In the male camp, the lies include flashy cars beyond one's means, liberal interpretations of 6'1", Rogaine and the poor man's Rogaine, spray-on "hair."
And the reality is, whenever you think you could get serious with a person, you need to look at her character over time -- comparing what she says with what she does -- to figure out whether she's trustworthy. As you're doing that with this woman, consider taking a counterintuitive approach -- calling up a little compassion for where she's coming from. Chances are, she only lied because she figured out where all the honest women are: home alone being 57 instead of having a man like you spirit them off for a romantic weekend at Club Med Guantanamo to waterboard them about their real birthdate.
As you point out, it seems like a trivial lie instead of something dealbreaking. Also, those people finder sites don't always get the ages correct. I found one that had my age wrong.
Patrick at July 29, 2014 8:43 PM
You want to get upset over the fact shes still married but "technically" separated, fine
That she didnt tell you she has the clap, fine
Thats shes $80,000 in debt and wants a loan, fine
That she has a penis, fine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T44WHLhx7Yo
That shes 19 months older than her profile states, who the fuck cares?
Ever consider her profile was written at the time she was 55?
Hell I'm . . . fuck if I know 34 or 35 too tired to do the math and I dont care enough to remember it on the off chance people ask, and I dont recall what year I graduated school
lujlp at July 30, 2014 3:40 AM
Whenever my birthday rolls around, I just tell people I'm celebrating my (whatever the number is) anniversary of turning 21. Let them do the math!
Flynne at July 30, 2014 4:04 AM
I remember reading once that the main things people lie about on line were, for women their weight and age, and for men their height and income.
The height and weight thing always surprised me because when you meet the person it's kind of obvious.
Joe J at July 30, 2014 7:04 AM
Agreed that the example the LW provides is small beans. When you're 18, a couple of years means the difference between a fun relationship and the sex offenders' list; when you're 54, not so much. But you do have to beware of people who say "I only tell little fibs", because usually they're, well, fibbing.
Cousin Dave at July 30, 2014 8:07 AM
For a married couple I know, the husband lied about his age when they first started dating. She was a college junior (so 21), and he was a grad student. He was worried she wouldn't want to date a 30-year-old. So he said he was 27.
He confessed a few months in, said he was sorry, and she laughed it off.
If I were the LW, I might worry about her lack of confidence. But, really, if he likes her, is attracted to her, etc., a barely-2-year age difference isn't a big deal, I don't think.
sofar at July 30, 2014 8:38 AM
The 'average' American woman is forty pounds obese, therefore lots of women feel it's okay to say their body type is 'average'. When they tell me they're 'a few extra pounds', it means they're even more obese.
Next!
jefe at July 30, 2014 11:28 AM
I don't get it, why bother lying about 2 years?
NicoleK at July 30, 2014 1:45 PM
My grandfather lied about his age to my grandmother. He thought she wouldn't go out with him if she knew he was 5 years younger than she.
She found him out when my father was born and they had to complete the BC information. He was something of a rascal.
I don't think this is something to be overly concerned about on its own. I would want to verify the lying isn't a habit for someone.
tasha at July 31, 2014 8:56 AM
People lie about their age (both men and women) because it puts them into a better 'pool' of prospects. This women may have had her real age up at some point and found that she wasn't being looked at.
When I was online dating, I had several men who were at least 10 years older than their stated age hit me up. It's not that I was unwilling to date someone a bit older, but I was hoping to start a family, and guys a decade or more older than me were done with it.
I didn't bother lying about age or weight (both of which are on the plus side), because I thought if someone is going to reject me for either of those things, I'd rather know up front. I had a full-length picture on my profile that was current.
I was happy that my husband marked his information honestly too. When we met, I already knew what to expect. And I was charmed by the fact that his age range was +/-5 years of his own age. Some guys would go as much as -20 younger but not a year older than themselves. (I'm 2 years older than my husband.)
It's a minefield. Like Amy says, you're lucky if you find someone who's mostly honest.
Peggy Y at July 31, 2014 9:30 AM
I don't get it, why bother lying about 2 years?
Probably to avoid getting filtered out by people selecting max ages in 5 year increments. "55 is ok, but 60 is too old for me".
Seems to have worked too.
Ltw at July 31, 2014 6:54 PM
When my grandmother was a 32 year old widow, she met and married a 19 year veterinary student. For the first four years, she worked while he went to school.
Her first husband, a doctor, had managed to kill himself mixing opiates with booze.
She spent the next 53 years that they were married lying about her age. He was heartbroken when she died.
Isab at July 31, 2014 8:32 PM
Pffft. I've been doing online dating for about a year, and every.single.guy. I've met who says he's 5'11" has really been 5'9". I personally don't care about height - I've dated guys shorter than I am - but if I'm 5'6" and I'm wearing three-inch heels and I'm looking you in the eye...you aren't 5'11"!
Bnr at August 4, 2014 10:42 AM
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