That's a tough first impression to shake. I don't have much comment on that, but I will say that anger management seems to be one of those things that people really can change.

I have a friend of mine that I've known for ten years or so. Apparently, some time before I met him, he had a real anger management issue. Much like your boyfriend, he saw this as a weakness in himself that he would like to change and did. He went to some counseling and he says it was the best thing he ever did.

While I didn't know him during his struggles with anger, I've known him well and for a long time now. It shocks me that he ever struggled with it. I've never seen him come close to losing his cool and I really have a hard time even imagining it.

I guess I mean this as a word of encouragement to say that, at least by my limited anecdotal evidence, "once a hot-head, always a hot-head" simply isn't true.

My brother is a hot head, very physically intimidating too. His teeny tiny wife has tempered him some.

They definitely change as whistleDick pointed out. I have found them to be all bark no bite myself.

I'm honestly more scared of women in their 50's with unhappy lives who constantly try to engage you.

BAHAHAHA! Anyone wanna bet Ppen is hoping to stir up some responses from angry 50 something women? Move along ... move along please.

I'm honestly more scared of women in their 50's with unhappy lives who constantly try to engage you.

Good thing I'm a happy camper, then!

That said, I will add that yes, I have seen some hot-headed people who have changed their ways, and also some who have seemed to change their ways. It's those people you have to be careful of. I had the misfortune of almost encountering someone who had supposedly "changed" from being a hot-head to being calm(er), when she excused herself from a group of people and went into the rest room to "blow up". It wasn't pretty, and as soon as I figured out what was going on, I went the other way before she saw me. The less I knew about that situation, the better.

It is tough to change first impressions, especially ones like that.
But I also wonder if there may be a dash of her looking at his reform with rose colored glasses in it too.

My husband was a hot head when he was in high school. As he got older he got control over it. He never got physical or hurt anyone, his anger was usually directed at himself or inanimate objects.

He did a couple of things In a rage that got him injured.

That can be a wonderful learning experience for controlling your temper.

My father was somewhat the same way.

I would rather deal with a hothead who actually cares about something, who has misdirected his energies into anger than someone who is a bowl of jello ( and calmly stabs you in the back, when you aren't looking)

What Isab said, most hot heads woudnt harm anyone, they just have an issue with socially acceptable releases of anger.

Many times because they were raised in emotionally abusive environments.

This LW is an idiot on so many levels. I'm really very glad he has chosen to not procreate.

Corn flakes Amy? After all you say about the evils of grains. Why not some nice museli or some scrambled eggs. Powdered soul, for those who don't care for hollandaise sauce.

First impressions are hard to shake. Years ago, I loudly cussed out my boyfriend's friend at a party. Yeah, he was being obnoxious and annoying, and I was drunk and over-tired -- but I was WAY over the line and took a joke of his too seriously. I regretted it almost immediately.

The next year or two, he avoided me at parties. But I recently started training in the martial art that he happens to be awesome in. And asking him for his advice about it gave me an excuse to talk to him. People LOVE giving advice and are flattered when you ask for it. So that gave me the olive branch I needed -- and the chance to prove I had changed.

Sounds like the LW has smart friends who are exhibiting a high level of situational awareness and self-preservation. Good for them.

You are lucky, it's the shy quite ones exploding, that are the real worry

As a hot head myself I can tell you, its the people I am perfectly calm with in the face of events that normal cause me to lose my temper that I consider killing

Note what WhistleDick said: "While I didn't know him during his struggles with anger, I've known him well and for a long time now. It shocks me that he ever struggled with it." (Emphasis mine.) If the LW really doesn't want her friends to see her boyfriend as a walking time bomb, she should make new ones who didn't know him when that's what he was.

It would be interesting to know what the boyfriend's take is on this. If he's smart, he knows that it will take time for long-time acquaintances to absorb the change in him, and he's made his peace with that.

Note what WhistleDick said: "While I didn't know him during his struggles with anger, I've known him well and for a long time now. It shocks me that he ever struggled with it." (Emphasis mine.) If the LW really doesn't want her friends to see her boyfriend as a walking time bomb, she should make new ones who didn't know him when that's what he was.

It would be interesting to know what the boyfriend's take is on this. If he's smart, he knows that it will take time for long-time acquaintances to absorb the change in him, and he's made his peace with that.

Note what WhistleDick said: "While I didn't know him during his struggles with anger, I've known him well and for a long time now. It shocks me that he ever struggled with it." (Emphasis mine.) If the LW really doesn't want her friends to see her boyfriend as a walking time bomb, she should make new ones who didn't know him when that's what he was.

It would be interesting to know what the boyfriend's take is on this. If he's smart, he knows that it will take time for long-time acquaintances to absorb the change in him, and he's made his peace with that.

(Note: I hit Submit on this comment a couple of times and nothing happened. I apologize if it winds up as a multiple post.)

Good luck with helping your friends "change their minds," about your BF. Those emotional moments stick in our memory for a long time, in part because of the intensity of the situation. After incidences like that, it can take quite a bit of demonstration for others to see that the "angry" one isn't blowing up anymore, and to begin to trust that he isn't going to do that in the future.

I think what might go a long way is for your BF to apologize to these folks. Sometimes hearing an acknowledgement that HE gets how his behavior impacted them can go a long way. That, coupled with his continued demonstration of remaining calm, cool and collected in situations where he may have gone off in the past, could help them see him in a new light.

People can change their tendency to use anger to protect/take care of themselves. Men Evolving Non-Violently (M.E.N.), a Sonoma County non-profit has been helping men do that for 35 year. They know that acting out, be it emotional (like your BF) physical, sexual, financial, is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned. Many of the M.E.N. Volunteer Collective members can attest to that. Some of them have been with the Collective, helping others for 3 decades. www.sonomacountymen.org.

I would consider this also a litmus test for who your friends really are. The ones unwilling to give your boyfriend a second chance aren't really the sort of people you want in your life. They would judge you your entire life based upon a single mistake. No one who has ever lived (with the exception of Jesus Christ) could withstand that kind of scrutiny.

I'm not going to pretend that doesn't suck -- hey, what a great opportunity this is to find who the decent people really are -- but it's not like you have a choice.

I would probably be one of those people always expecting him to blow up again. I've seen too many anger management failures to be optimistic about this one success.

That being said, I am a big believer in allowing people to live their lives without my interference. People can make their own choices and own mistakes without my involvement.

they all still see him as the scary-angry guy

I'd rather be feared than loved, especially if the one I love loves me back.

But you know what? when those friends have a scary situation that they feel the need for help in addressing, they'll politely ask for his help.

Because it's okay if the scary-angry guy has your back.

Gee, Amy, are you rationing your columns? Or maybe on vacation? This one has been up since Sept. 9 and there's been no new one since. You used to have two just about every week. Right now, I'm missing my weekly Advice Goddess fix.

You write so well, and have so many quotables, that I'd be happy to read you in the papers, and would subscribe, at least online, if I could, but which ones are you in? We subscribe to two newspapers, Atlanta Journal-Constitution and our small town local, and BOTH of them carry Dear Abby, so we get that twice.

Southerners are reputed to be polite--right up until the point at which they are ready to kill you. Around here, anyone who loses his temper right away, is considered trash; that is to say Waffle House parking lot midnight swat team bait.

I have only seen one of them reform, and that was a long time ago.