Skirt Stake
Last year, I got out of a bad marriage. My husband withheld sex (despite my keeping up my appearance), and it really made me question my desirability. I'm now ready for a relationship, but I only seem to attract guys seeking one-night stands. I did start dressing in very sexy clothing, and my best friend (who's no prude) suspects this is sending the wrong signals.
--Overcompensating?
When you're looking for a relationship, it's okay to arrive at dates dressed like you just got off work -- providing you don't look like the vice president of jumping out of cakes in not much more than body glitter. Research by psychologist Cari Goetz suggests that men see revealing clothing as a sort of billboard advertising women's availability for "short-term mating" ("till daylight do us part!"). And though you want a relationship, consider whether you're subconsciously seeking some (short-term) reassurance about your hotitude. It might help to recognize that your husband's behavior probably had more to do with something about him than something about your appearance. (After all, some pretty underkempt people manage to get it on.)
To advertise your interest in a relationship, wear clothes that are form-following instead of pore-following. Per evolutionary psychology research on what men are attracted to, what seems essential is highlighting your waist -- revealing your figure to be more hourglass than beer keg. And consider that one of the easiest ways to look attractive is by walking tall -- moving in a way that conveys sexy confidence (even if that isn't quite how you feel). Sexy from within is what relationship-minded men are looking for -- as opposed to the sort of sexy that, when you lean forward at the bar, gets a dermatologist tapping you on the shoulder: "You know, you really should get that mole on your inner thigh looked at."
"Everything that happens in a given interaction is based on VALUE." If you're trying to advertise your REAL value, as opposed to, say, one-night-stand value, dress like you're worth a million bucks. Otherwise, dress like a teenager in heat... False value unfortunately FEELS the same as genuine value. It just doesn't last as long.
jefe at December 30, 2014 7:16 PM
American women have this misconception that conservative=frumpy. They pile on the makeup, push out the tits, and shorten the skirt in addition to big hair. Except that what people really respond to above overt sexiness is subtlety and soft feminity with good taste.
But good taste is intuition.
Ppen at December 30, 2014 8:29 PM
Sexy from within is what relationship-minded men are looking for...
I've always looked for a relationship instead of one-night stands and while I'm attracted to sexy-from-within, I've never been put off by sexy-on-the-surface.
Research by psychologist Cari Goetz suggests that men see revealing clothing as a sort of billboard advertising women's availability for "short-term mating"
That's probably true but availability is one thing; what a woman is looking for is another. If I met the LW on a date, I might assume she's more likely to be available for a fling than a woman who dressed more conservatively, but I wouldn't assume that's all she's interested in. And, since I'm a relationship-minded guy, I wouldn't say au revoir after sleeping together one time if I liked the sex and liked a lot of things about her.
While I don't doubt that her sexy clothing is attracting many one-night-stand only guys, I'd think that she'd also be attracting some guys like me as well.
JD at January 3, 2015 11:08 AM
My husband withheld sex (despite my keeping up my appearance)
Do you know why he withheld? Was it clear to him that you still wanted it? I stopped initiating over 7 years ago because it didn't seem like my wife was enjoying it. (We probably should have talked it out, but that ship has sailed; she has a boyfriend and we're splitting.)
JD, she most likely is attracting some guys like you, but they can't get to the front of the line with all the players ahead of them. If she toned down her message a bit, it might filter out some of the cads and leave room for the kind of guy she wants to get her attention.
Rex Little at January 7, 2015 1:13 AM
I admit when I was single I'd often take my chance on a one night stand if I wasn't feeling the long-term vibe, it doesn't make me a bad guy and it doesn't mean I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship (I was), it was more like, hey, might as well try for some casual sex. Although yeah, I imagine there are a lot of chancers out there, you have to sift through them somehow, how you dress may help a little to pre-filter but you don't have to dress like a nun. Actually even if you dressed like a nun I'd probably take my chances ..
@Rex "I stopped initiating over 7 years ago because it didn't seem like my wife was enjoying it"
I had a very similar experience, though it didn't go on for as long and I recognized what was happening recently, the reality is a little complex, my wife and I are currently working on these issues.
Lobster at January 15, 2015 1:00 AM
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