Between The Spreadsheets
I started dating a female co-worker. I've seen many office romances go bad and be fodder for gossip, so I act very professional at work so nobody knows. She's hurt that I'm keeping her a "secret."
--Stressed
It's a bit of a disconnect to get the office hello from a guy who, just the night before, was undressing you with his teeth.
But the real problem here isn't conflicting ideas on whether to put out an all-office memo: "The softball team will meet at 5:30 p.m. behind the building, and oh, yeah, Amber and I are doing it." Differences of opinion are part of every relationship. What helps your partner feel okay about them -- even when she goes along with what you want -- is acting like you're in a relationship, not a dictatorship. This means figuring out policy together instead of your single-handedly deciding it and then -- surprise! -- greeting her like you aren't quite sure whether she's Amber who just helped you break your headboard or what's-her-face from sales.
Had you made this a discussion instead of a decree, she might've told you she's worried you're ashamed of her -- allowing you to reassure her (assuming you're not). Well, there's no time like now to have that policy discussion -- including worst-case scenarios, like how you two would handle it if things went south. It does seem prudent to wait to alert your co-workers until you're reasonably sure your relationship has legs. However, sooner or later, somebody from the office is likely to run into the two of you out on the town. The story of a Saturday night strategy session in the parking lot of a romantic French restaurant is unlikely to fly -- especially when it appears to have ended with both of you wearing her lipstick.
I don't think dating in the office is a good idea. When things "go south," as they most likely will, eventually, it's going to be difficult for them to work together.
(We don't need a string of successful relationships. Just one. And we usually rack up an impressive list of failures while making it to a successful one. Statistically, this one is likely going to be a failure.)
Patrick at March 10, 2015 7:44 PM
What's wrong with be the center of gossip? It means people think we're interesting. Would you prefer otherwise?
When my last ex's friends outed us, they were thrilled!
jefe at March 10, 2015 7:56 PM
It's already a problem. From her perspective she feels someone you're sleeping with but won't admit to being with, ie, you're using her for sex but not willing to stand up and be seen with her.
This relationship is over already.
NicoleK at March 11, 2015 6:44 AM
In this day and age, I would never, ever get involved with someone at the office. That's just asking for a sexual harassment charge.
Cousin Dave at March 11, 2015 9:19 AM
Yeah I'm with Cousin Dave. The ones that usually get punished are the guys at least from my experience working.
Ppen at March 12, 2015 10:49 AM
Unfortunately that policy talk has a 3rd party involved the company policy.
Back in my parents day meeting someone at work would form some of the strongest marriages. You both probably have much in common since you both wanted to work at that place, and are around each other so often.
But it has practically become a career suicidal move.
Joe J at March 13, 2015 9:08 AM
That's just asking for a sexual harassment charge.
it has practically become a career suicidal move.
Is this really true? Or do office romances work out about as well as they have in the past, but a few high-profile disasters have blinded everyone to that? (This is not a rhetorical question; I've been retired for years, so I haven't witnessed either result.)
Back in the 1980's and into the 90's I worked at a company that was an absolute hotbed for romance. Out of 500 employees at the best of times (maybe half that when things didn't go well) there were as many as seven couples at one time who had met and married while working there. I met my wife and my previous fiancee there, and one guy met both his wives there. Obviously not all pairings lasted, but I never saw anyone break up while both were still working at the company.
There was one man who got kind of carried away with it, though. He was openly dating several different women at the company, even though both his wife and her mother worked there.
Rex Little at March 16, 2015 8:01 PM
A lot of offices have a 'disclose and sign on the dotted line' agreement when employees want to date. To avoid lawsuits. As a woman, the problem is what happens to your career and credibility if/when the relationship ends. http://www.buzzfeed.com/katherinestoeffel/even-if-its-not-discrimination-youre-still-that-girl
Lia at April 20, 2015 5:30 PM
You both have to be mature to be intimate with a co worker or boss and not have it blow up in your face. You need to agree beforehand what you want out of the affair and stick to it.
Gracie at May 12, 2015 3:01 PM
Leave a comment