texting, is kinda like mailing a letter... Almost every time it goes through -

and then there is the once that strange postal guy gets ahold of it, and stashed it in his garage to be found someday, but not by you.

My ex texted me a buncha questions about something, then 3 hours later called and angrily demanded to know why I hadn't replied. So, I handed the phone to my daughter and said, has this phone recieved any texts?
"No, mom, Papa has no texts from you."
'FINE!!!'
CLICK

Still have never figured out what was in the texts, but I never got them, and I have Verizon, which is pretty good with such things.

Which leads us to this. If this happens occasionally, after a decent amount of time, say the next morning after texting, you can text again and say "didja get my text? I'm afraid it isn't working..."

It's not desperate, and boya gets to decide what kind of oops this is. Maybe he didn't get it, maybe he puts his phone by the front door, and doesn't hear a text at night, or whatever.

Or hey, howdy, hey, you could actually CALL him. Since you are dating and all, I'm thinkin' he'll take that call.

Ultimately, all this "YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME NOW!!!!11!!" technology that we have, is making people EVEN MOAR neurotic about being in contact all the time, rather than giving a buffer for when we don't want to be.

Constantly being in touch eventually gives one the feeling that you are checking up. Don't be that person.

I'm still pissed at the mail man Swiss. How do you deliver a letter 1 month late to the day? I got two credit card bills for the same card on the same day. One for this month and one for the last month. What are the odds?

Back on topic, I don't see 'How was your night?' requiring immediate response. 'Broke my leg and there is a bobcat on the prowl!' needs a response right now. The other, I don't know.

I have a different opinion than Amy on this one, which is that she might be texting wrong. Honestly, if I were in the early phases of dating someone and they texted me "How was your night?" I'd be annoyed.

I'd either not respond or say something obnoxious like "it'd be better if you sent nudes" or something meaningless like "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times"

Why? Because that message is an obvious ploy for attention disguised as concern about me. Adults don't actually have text conversations. You're not actually asking me about my feelings, because there's no meaningful way to respond.

Texting is really only for:
Discreet information (ie addresses)
Simple questions (want to get pizza?)
Funny observations

It's not for open ended questions.

Now if you texted: "How did your presentation go?" I would think that's sweet because you were showing actual concern for me.

As long as it was a reasonable amount of time since we saw each other, I'd rather get the "I miss you" text because at least it's honest that it's about your feelings.

Now if the guy never responds to anything you text he's probably not super into you and/or rude.

Anyway, I think in this case this is your bad, not the guy's. Whether you know bit or not, it smells like a shit test, that the guy passed with flying colors.

Or maybe that's just me.

First, dito what Andrew said.

Second, phones have these neat auto "quiet hours" feature with optional auto reply.

Text me after a certain point my phone makes no noise and I dont see it till the next morning.

And if the question is inane and time specific and that time has passed I generally dont answer.

Third, any one else pissed at the notion that when you are in a relationship you are CONSTANTLY on call do deal with bouts of narcissistic insecurities from emotional basket cases?

Fourth, here is your mind reading helmet

http://killerfrog.com/videos/coupling---captain-subtext/cushions-8113.html

Agree with Andrew. You in fact did write OMG I miss you.

Yeah, I agree with Andrew.

You're missing the entire point of a text. It's very casual and doesn't require an immediate answer. If it's something pressing, call him.

You're being clingy and annoying. How could one answer such a text without getting into a whole conversation? He was busy. Be happy he's not so wrapped up in you that he has nothing else going on.

Also, "How was your night?" seems to me to mean that the night is over. Perhaps he's asleep, Dummy.

...that message is an obvious ploy for attention disguised as concern about me.

Posted by: Andrew at April 7, 2015 8:48 PM

Been there, done that. A particularly shitty manipulation because it's cloaked as niceness.

Thanks for calling it what it is.

This is excellent advice as it applies to interactions other than texting, as well. The other day, the hubs and I got into it because he was feeling overscheduled and pressed for time and, to demonstrate how he was feeling, stalked off ahead of me at the market. When he realized I wasn’t keeping up the pace he turned back to me and instead of quietly letting him know his actions hurt my feelings I hurled some sarcastic remarks at him rather loudly in front of everyone. This made him feel attacked and rather than solving the problem or feeling bad that he was making me feel bad, he felt like he needed to defend himself. He is very soft hearted and I know that if I approach him differently next time, I will get the outcome that I desire. Thanks, Amy!

Yes, please, not in public. That adds a dash of something I can't recall the name of that I would run like the wind away from. Public humiliation kryptonites me. And all children.

Ditto about the texting, Andrew.

I support the general notion here of approaching with understanding and kindness to get the things you want...

...but what hasn't been addressed too much is if what you want is the thing that's unreasonable.

To pick on cp_deb's post since it's the one I don't have to scroll away from the comment box to see: she learned how to better express to him how he hurt her feelings. Well, that's halfway. How about addressing the root of the problem, him feeling pressed for time. Might it not have been better to just pick up the pace at the market a bit? Or discuss whether he needed to come on the shopping run at all?

@"that message is an obvious ploy for attention"

Um, but isn't giving and receiving attention part of being in a relationship? If you're dating a person, you're supposed to give them attention. It doesn't seem to me that sending a message that amounts to 'hey, new partner, I feel like a bit of attention' is worthy of annoyance in response. A healthy loving response to your partner wanting attention is not anger, IMO. If you don't want to give attention to someone, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

@"Um, but isn't giving and receiving attention part of being in a relationship?"

Clarification, I am *not* agreeing that texts should always warrant immediate responses - actually I disagree with her on that - just speaking in general now on the idea that requesting attention from your partner is annoying.

I often don't immediately reply to texts. I find smartphones a bit of an intrusion when people expect/demand instant replies (and it sounds a bit childish to expect instant replies) .. my mental downtime is my mental downtime, if I couldn't "turn off" demands for my attention, I'd go crazy.

@treadwell Addressing the "root of the problem, him feeling pressed for time. Might it not have been better to just pick up the pace at the market a bit? Or discuss whether he needed to come on the shopping run at all?" Without getting way into the details, no, not so much. We have a habit of biting off more than we can chew socially and then one of us gets cranky about it (it's not usually me) and we both know that will happen - but we make those commitments anyway. That's why the sarcastic remarks were made, but letting him know that his behavior hurts my feelings should work better.

His not responding feels so disrespectful. I want to read him the riot act.

--Deeply Upset

Cupcake, how old are you? Seriously, this is all it takes to make you "deeply upset"? What do you think he was doing instead of replying to you? He could have been in the shower, or sleeping, or building the Eifel Tower out of toothpicks.

I think you should take a deep breath, resist the urge to scream, and try *not* texting him for a whole day. Yep, make him text you first. It'll make him wonder, and give you some practice at been less clingy.

On game websites, guys are told not to answer texts right away all the time. The idea is to keep the woman off balance and not take the man for granted. If the woman always gets what she wants, she will get bored and go after some jerk who treats her like dirt.

"Angrily attacking someone or even just criticizing them will set off their fight-or-flight system."

I reconnected with someone I casually dated before moving away several years ago. I explained that I was carrying 4 classes on top of a full time work schedule. He would text and I would not answer for a day due to my never leaving the ringer on and being overwhelmed with studying. I eventually began receiving texts like, "you must be really busy or have poor signal". I didn't feel that passive aggressive nonsense was worthy of a response. A few days later I reiterated my tight schedule and my inability to commit to any kind of relationship at the time and he seemed to accept that, again. A few weeks passed and I never had time to meet up with, but we texted a few times a day. One night I was going to a concert that I had planned months prior, I had mentioned it as a response to, "what are you up to?" The man became absolutely unhinged, spewing profanities and saying that obviously I'm too busy and he is going with plan B now. Calling me names and all kinds of colorful implications. I never did respond, I downloaded Mr. Number and blocked him. I saw countless pings for several weeks of calls and texts being blocked by the app. Just last month I saw a blocked call from him..it's been months. Why would he think after a few texts a day and his crazy reaction to my living my life, that I would even consider talking to him again?

"Angrily attacking someone or even just criticizing them will set off their fight-or-flight system."

I reconnected with someone I casually dated before moving away several years ago. I explained that I was carrying 4 classes on top of a full time work schedule. He would text and I would not answer for a day due to my never leaving the ringer on and being overwhelmed with studying. I eventually began receiving texts like, "you must be really busy or have poor signal". I didn't feel that passive aggressive nonsense was worthy of a response. A few days later I reiterated my tight schedule and my inability to commit to any kind of relationship at the time and he seemed to accept that, again. A few weeks passed and I never had time to meet up with, but we texted a few times a day. One night I was going to a concert that I had planned months prior, I had mentioned it as a response to, "what are you up to?" The man became absolutely unhinged, spewing profanities and saying that obviously I'm too busy and he is going with plan B now. Calling me names and all kinds of colorful implications. I never did respond, I downloaded Mr. Number and blocked him. I saw countless pings for several weeks of calls and texts being blocked by the app. Just last month I saw a blocked call from him..it's been months. Why would he think after a few texts a day and his crazy reaction to my living my life, that I would even consider talking to him again?

Ah, yes .... "texting"

I love the option of texting for specified reasons, such as one of my friends who likes to talk for 45 minutes out of a 52 minute conversation. Texting allows me to make a smoothie, do laundry, watch The Rockford Files uninterrupted, and still get the gist of my friend's messages without tying my ear to the phone while doing so.

And everything Andrew said was pretty much spot-on.

I have this "odd" habit of leaving my cell phone at home, and then come pick up my messages once I get home. Ya know ... just like our ancestors from the 1980's used to do.

I make it clear to girlfriends (and potential ones) that I am not really into texting, as I normally don't have my phone on me all of the time.

Oh, what hath this new millennium wrought????