I was engaged to a woman 20 years ago. We were in college and in our mid-20s. I realized that I wasn't ready to get married and called off the engagement. I loved her and wanted to stay with her, but she broke off the relationship. I've had relationships since then, but I still regret not marrying her. She's married now, and I shouldn't even be thinking about her so many years later, but I can't seem to shake the loss of her. How do I get her -- and, moreover, the regret -- out of my head?

--Stuck

The reality is, you're the envy of a number of people -- like those who ran up $80,000 in legal fees battling for joint custody of the suede sectional and are now working as a manservant for their divorce lawyer while living in a tent in his backyard.

You've got a bad case of the "coulda shouldas," which, in psychology, is called "counterfactual thinking," as in thinking "counter" to the actual "facts" of what happened. It's basically a mental redo of the past -- imagining what could have been. There's healthy counterfactual thinking -- using how things turned out as a reminder to act differently in the future. Also healthy is recognizing that things could have turned out worse, like with all the divorcey fun above, plus having to borrow your kids like library books on alternate weekends.

The unhealthy kind of counterfactual thinking is what you're doing -- setting aside the now to obsess over how great things surely would have been, "if only..." Never mind how pointless this is, considering that the closest thing you own to a working time machine is probably a battery-operated cuckoo clock your grandma gave you. And never mind how this woman is forever 24 in your head -- preserved like a bug in amber at the peak of her hotitude -- and never does things those pesky real women do, like nagging you to fix that broken thingie until your head is about to explode all over the kitchen wallpaper.

You can get out of Regretsville. You just need to have a funeral for your relationship. And yes, I know this sounds like a ridiculously hokey stunt, but more and more, researchers are finding that the physical is tied to the psychological -- like that physical acts of "closure" lead to psychological closure and that treating thoughts as physical objects makes them as disposable as objects. In a study by psychologist Pablo Brinol, participants who wrote down troubling thoughts and then ripped them up were found to have "mentally discarded them" and actually experienced relief. Following their lead, put this behind you psychologically by doing it physically: Write down what happened. Burn the paper in a dish. Maybe do a little ceremony. And then scatter the ashes as you would those from Fluffy's urn.

And, finally, have a little compassion for yourself. Okay, so it's best not to follow up "Will you marry me?" with "Uh...take-back!" But you were young and probably immature, and you realized that you'd gotten yourself in over your head. And to your credit, you had the guts to admit that you weren't ready, unlike all the people who come to the realization that they aren't but go through with the wedding anyway. ("Who'll join me in a toast to 'miserably ever after!'?")

A good male friend (going back 20 years) is a great guy -- fiercely ethical and very kind -- and is irate about the jerks I've been out with recently. He has two guy friends he thinks I'd like. Is it safe to assume that they'll be cool/respectful because this is coming through our mutual friend? (I figure it can't be worse than truly blind dating online.)

--Jerk Magnet

A friend who cares about you wouldn't knowingly put you together with jerks -- which would be like recommending a prospective tenant to his landlord with "He just wants a quiet, safe place..." and neglecting to mention "...where he can pursue his hobby of balcony chicken farming."

And the good news is that a good guy is likely to have friends "of a feather." Studies by psychologist J. Philippe Rushton suggest that we have a genetically driven preference for both mates and friends who are similar to us -- especially in age, ethnicity, and educational level but also in opinions and attitudes. So, if this guy likes and respects women, there's a good chance his friends do, too. But a "good chance" is not the same thing as an "ironclad guarantee." In other words, go in with your eyes wide open, because it's still largely a gamble; it's just less likely that your friend will be all "Found the perfect guy for you. We all call him 'B' -- because it's easier than saying 'Beelzebub.'"

I'm a 28-year-old woman in a relationship with a really great guy. The problem is, it started as a hookup, and I faked my orgasm. I didn't announce I was having one, but I, um, made certain noises. I was enjoying myself, but I just didn't feel one coming, and I didn't want him to feel bad. Now that we're "a thing," I can't keep faking, but I'm not sure how to tell him.

--Unsatisfied

There are a number of reasons women fake orgasms, like that the guy is taking FOREVER. The woman's thinking, "What is this, the slow train to Siberia? No, the bus. The slow bus. Over the back roads. With a day trip to Latvia. Hey, driver! This is my stop. Stop the bus, please! I know...maybe this'll work": "Aahhhh-aaaaah-AAAAAAAH!"

Movies -- and not just the dirty ones -- also lead to orgasm fakery, giving us distorted expectations of how orgasms look and sound and how quickly they happen for a woman, even in casual sex with a stranger. (Welcome to the toilet stall or car hood insta-gasm!)

Back here in real life, research by sociologist Elizabeth A. Armstrong finds that, on average, in a first or second hookup involving intercourse, a woman has only a 35 percent chance of getting to the big finish (compared with a 75 percent chance if she's having sex in a relationship). A woman's chances do increase the more she hooks up with a particular bedfella. But often, until a hookup becomes a regular thing, a man will have his cake, and, yes, a woman will have hers, too, but somebody clears the plate before she gets to the frosting.

The value of practice isn't exactly surprising, considering that even for a guy trying his bestest, hooking up with a new girl can be like driving a rental car: You hit what you think is the turn signal, and -- oops! -- there go the windshield wipers and the car alarm. Of course, it doesn't help that a woman tends to feel awkward detailing her sexual needs to a man she barely knows: "Hold on -- let me pull out the 41-page manual."

As you've discovered, the problem comes when Hookup Guy becomes Boyfriend Guy and is under the impression that he's providing happy endings and not the never-ending middle. The right time to correct this is as soon as possible (though not while you're in bed). Explain why you love sex with him and then confess: You faked it the first time and didn't quite know how to roll back from that.

Pledge that in the future you'll only cheer when your team is winning, and tell him that the next time you're in bed, you'll show him what works for you. (Basically, guide him like you would a fireman: "This way! No, over here! HURRY!!!") After a few test runs, he should feel secure that if you're screaming during sex it's because he's truly showing you a good time -- or because you rolled over on a Hot Wheels truck his nephew left in his bed.

You recently printed a letter from a woman who had decided to stop dating so she could make better choices about men. I also decided to do this, though I haven't had her trouble in sticking to my plan. The thing is, since I stopped dating, I have been deluged with suitors. Coincidence? Or do men sense when you've packed away your desperation?

--Crowded

Men, like all of us, are most attracted to what's somewhat out of reach. Had Rapunzel been sitting behind an unlocked window on the first floor, she would have been just another chick with a hairbrush.

Value is actually a relative thing. A lack of supply -- something being (or seeming) rare and hard to get -- tends to increase demand (as in, desirability). Consider the pricing of different sorts of rocks, and why you see Jared ads for expensive diamond rings and not expensive princess-cut gray speckled pebbles: "Just $5,901.76, for this lovely bit of roadside gravel!"

Understanding the value of scarcity can help you transform how you act with men -- and, in turn, how they treat you. There's this mistaken notion that you have to feel secure before you can act that way. Actually, you can simply act more secure -- though it won't feel "natural" at first -- and you should find that men respond to you as if you are more secure. Combine that with a mindset of "I hope I like them" instead of "I hope they like me" and you should find yourself coolly considering prospective suitors -- as opposed to answering the door to a confused pizza delivery guy with "I cleared a drawer for you. Pick a toothbrush."

Last week, my girlfriend was all annoyed about something (something relatively unimportant). I'm normally not a bad listener, but I was getting stressed out just hearing about this. I blurted out, "Calm down!" and she really flipped, yelling, "DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" It took me forever (and lots of "I'm sorrrreeee"s) to get her to mellow out. I mentioned this incident to a friend, and he said, "Man, don't you know? You never say that to a woman!" Please explain.

--Mr. Doghouse

There are times you may want to tell a woman to calm down, like when you lack live electrical wire to chew on or are curious as to how the nurses would react if you walked into the ER with your head under your arm.

Many people believe the myth that the typical man is about as emotionally sensitive as the typical hammer. However, neuroscientist Tor Wager looked at the findings from 65 brain imaging studies and found that -- overall -- men's brains weren't any less responsive to emotional stimuli than women's. However, Wager's study and others did find sex differences, like that women seem more likely to experience negative emotions -- fear, anxiety, and depression. Women also seem to be more emotionally expressive -- verbally and in writing -- and better at processing emotions, so they're less likely to end up feeling dragged out back and beaten up by them.

But for men, when women get emotional, and especially when they veer off into rantville, emotion processing can play out something like this. Woman: "Knock-knock." Man: "Who's there?" Woman (upset): "Feelings!" (Silence. More silence.) Woman: "Hello? Hello?! I know you're in there! I can hear the TV!"

To a man, an irate woman's sharing of her emotional drama can be a bit like her sharing her Drano-tini. Relationships researcher John Gottman explains that men can become physiologically overwhelmed from stressful conversation alone, getting "flooded" with stress hormones and feeling physically ill and desperate to withdraw.

This happens through a "misattribution of arousal," which means that your brain subconsciously (and instantaneously) puts mere talk that has a stressful vibe into the wrong bin -- the "fight or flight" bin that alerts you, "Run from that tiger!" In response, adrenaline surges, your heart races, sweat beads up, and parts of your brain and body that aren't vital for bolting the hell out of there shut down. Yes, that's a "Sorry, we're closed!" sign on your digestive tract, and -- oopsy! -- there's another on your brain's higher reasoning center (which makes sense, considering you're supposed to be dashing away from the tiger, not parsing whether you have ill-will toward its mother-in-law).

The thing is, running away -- as your body has primed you to do -- would metabolize the stress hormones. But when you just sit there, the stress hormones just sit there, pooling, poisoning you, leading to sickening feelings. The natural impulse is to take shelter from the adrenaline storm -- to escape and go off and recover -- but this is hard to explain in any articulate and emotionally sensitive way in the moment, as your ability to reason is on sabbatical. So, in lieu of ducking under the nearest couch like the cat, you do it verbally, telling her, "Calm down!"

Of course, the problem here wasn't that she needed to calm down, but that you did. So when you laid that on her, she probably heard, "I'm not just going to ignore your feelings; I'm going to dismiss them." (This always goes over so well with women.)

Explaining the sex differences in emotion processing might help you both keep in mind that a man isn't just a woman with a different set of funparts. For example, for her, venting her feelings may simply be a way of managing them. Chances are, she just needs you to be listening (or at least appear to be while playing "Minecraft" in your head).

The next time she's "all het up" about something, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you aren't under attack; you're just somebody's boyfriend. Should you start feeling emotionally swamped, take Gottman's advice: "Let your [partner] know that you're feeling flooded and need to take a break. The break should last at least 20 minutes, since it will be that long before your body calms down."

Going for a run wouldn't be a bad idea. However, in the spirit of better male/female communication, you need to tell your girlfriend your plan. No, you can't just flash her a look of panic and bolt out the door -- though being chased down the street by an enraged woman clutching your renaissance faire crossbow should do wonders in diminishing that nasty adrenaline buildup.

I'm trying to take a break from dating and work on myself because I keep ending up with really jerky guys. I'm an extrovert -- very social and outgoing -- and I find it hard to just chill by myself. I get bored and lonely. I want to pick better guys, but I hate being alone on a Saturday night with a phone that doesn't ring.

--Conflicted

There's nothing like that thrill of finally getting a text on some Saturday night -- and then realizing it's just your grandma playing with her new iPhone.

Trying to embrace solitude sounds so adult and profound and good: "Yes, I'll just be staying home making popcorn and watching TV with my existential crisis." But as great as it is that you're trying to retool your man-picking practices, this home alone thing might not be the best idea for an extrovert -- a person who thrives on human contact, along with novelty and excitement. That's how the psych literature defines an extrovert, but simply put, you're a party animal -- the sort who hurries to join in all the fun, as opposed to an introvert like my boyfriend, who, upon arriving at a party, will ask: "Do we really have to go inside?"

There's a lot of inconclusive research on introversion and extroversion that's breathlessly reported as conclusive. However, what seems clear is that extroversion isn't just a preference; it's a biologically driven personality trait -- a consistent pattern of behavior that appears to come out of your brain's being far more "sensation-seeking" than an introvert's. Studies by psychologist Richard Depue and others suggest that extroverts get a "reward system" buzz from socializing that introverts don't and then have memories from it pop up like little infomercial pitchmen, urging, "Call now! Go after that buzz again!"

And while introverts' brains are easily overloaded by stimuli -- stuff going on around them -- extroverts' brains are far less sensitive to it, so they tend to need more of it. More people, more hubbub, more new and exciting experiences -- to the point where a hot date with the accusatory stare of the cat can tempt an extrovertess to do something arrest-worthy just to shake things up and maybe get grabbed by a man.

In other words, think of your brain as a pet tiger that needs to be fed -- with people and excitement. An important point to note is neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz's finding that unpredictable rewards seem to be the most satisfying for the brain -- maybe even three or four times as buzzy as those we see coming. Consider that your attraction may not be to bad guys so much as to the unpredictability and excitement they provide.

You can get your excitement -- and the social mosh pit you long for -- by spending weekend nights with like-minded friends. Trade off with them on planning the evening's activity, and surprise one another with what it will be: Repo man ride-along? Cattle rustling? Danger tag (trying to outrun muggers)? Feeding your need for adventure should help you hold out for a man who's exciting in a new way: in how he does what he says he will and even shows up on time -- and not just by telephone from Mexico to tell you how to wire him bail money.

I'm an attractive woman with "bitchy resting face." Friends tell me to smile more so men will find me more approachable. I do notice that men like the happy, ditsy girls. It's only in fashion magazines that the "ideal" girls are scowling.

--Frownie

Of course the girls in fashion magazines are scowling. They're in wildly uncomfortable shoes, and they haven't had a hamburger since childhood.

The thing is, happy resting face can come with problems of its own. Social psychologist Antonia Abbey found that men can misread a woman's mere friendliness "as a sexual come-on." This seems especially true of smiling -- to the point where 12 female Safeway workers filed grievances over the supermarket chain's "smile-and-make-eye-contact" rule, which had led a number of male customers to believe these women wanted to bag more than their beer and Cheerios.

So, conversely, yes, you may be missing opportunities with guys who mistake your "I want to have sex with you" scowl for an "I'd like you to go drown yourself" scowl. But really, all you need to do is be conscious of the power of a smile and, when you like a guy, look right at him and turn it on -- kind of like flashing your brights. You're basically putting a sign on the door -- "Open for business! Come on in!" -- correcting the message sent by your default glare: "Closed for renovations. And there's a vagrant living in the hallway who may stab you."