Requiem For A Scream
I'm a 28-year-old woman in a relationship with a really great guy. The problem is, it started as a hookup, and I faked my orgasm. I didn't announce I was having one, but I, um, made certain noises. I was enjoying myself, but I just didn't feel one coming, and I didn't want him to feel bad. Now that we're "a thing," I can't keep faking, but I'm not sure how to tell him.
--Unsatisfied
There are a number of reasons women fake orgasms, like that the guy is taking FOREVER. The woman's thinking, "What is this, the slow train to Siberia? No, the bus. The slow bus. Over the back roads. With a day trip to Latvia. Hey, driver! This is my stop. Stop the bus, please! I know...maybe this'll work": "Aahhhh-aaaaah-AAAAAAAH!"
Movies -- and not just the dirty ones -- also lead to orgasm fakery, giving us distorted expectations of how orgasms look and sound and how quickly they happen for a woman, even in casual sex with a stranger. (Welcome to the toilet stall or car hood insta-gasm!)
Back here in real life, research by sociologist Elizabeth A. Armstrong finds that, on average, in a first or second hookup involving intercourse, a woman has only a 35 percent chance of getting to the big finish (compared with a 75 percent chance if she's having sex in a relationship). A woman's chances do increase the more she hooks up with a particular bedfella. But often, until a hookup becomes a regular thing, a man will have his cake, and, yes, a woman will have hers, too, but somebody clears the plate before she gets to the frosting.
The value of practice isn't exactly surprising, considering that even for a guy trying his bestest, hooking up with a new girl can be like driving a rental car: You hit what you think is the turn signal, and -- oops! -- there go the windshield wipers and the car alarm. Of course, it doesn't help that a woman tends to feel awkward detailing her sexual needs to a man she barely knows: "Hold on -- let me pull out the 41-page manual."
As you've discovered, the problem comes when Hookup Guy becomes Boyfriend Guy and is under the impression that he's providing happy endings and not the never-ending middle. The right time to correct this is as soon as possible (though not while you're in bed). Explain why you love sex with him and then confess: You faked it the first time and didn't quite know how to roll back from that.
Pledge that in the future you'll only cheer when your team is winning, and tell him that the next time you're in bed, you'll show him what works for you. (Basically, guide him like you would a fireman: "This way! No, over here! HURRY!!!") After a few test runs, he should feel secure that if you're screaming during sex it's because he's truly showing you a good time -- or because you rolled over on a Hot Wheels truck his nephew left in his bed.
Obviously, I'm probably the last person on this blog who should give advice on pleasuring women, but I was under the impression that women generally take much longer to attain orgasm than men. With this in mind, shouldn't she be appreciative of the fact that her man is taking his time?
This isn't a challenge to Amy's advice. This is one topic I can only stay clear of. Just curious.
Patrick at August 18, 2015 9:52 PM
Well, there's taking your time and taking your time. I once dated a lovely person for whom, for whatever reason, it just took about 45 minutes or so for him to get there--and that was 45 minutes of non-stop jackhammer action. He did actually make sure I got mine first, but that was still . . . a marathon. (Apparently that's just the way his body was wired--he took the same amount of time in solo sessions). If he hadn't taken the first 20 or so to be sure I was good and happy, and had just jumped straight to the 45 minutes of porno-style pounding, I wouldn't have be saying "Oh what a lovely person to take so long for my pleasure" vs. "for crimeny's sake, really?".
I appreciate a good, vigorous roll in the hay as much as the next gal, but duration alone does not an awesome experience make. You still need to pay a little tiny bit of attention to what the lady actually enjoys.
Anathema at August 19, 2015 6:44 AM
I appreciate a good, vigorous roll in the hay as much as the next gal, but duration alone does not an awesome experience make. You still need to pay a little tiny bit of attention to what the lady actually enjoys.
Posted by: Anathema at August 19, 2015 6:44 AM
Yes, this. The clitoris based on what I have read, is kind of like a mini penis. If you know how to stimulate it correctly, orgasm in a typical woman can be just as quick as a man.
However it is also very sensitive, and too much direct stimulation can be painful.
Unfortunately for most women since the vagina is a little distance away from the clitoris, the indirect stimulation of regular intercourse. is often not enough.
Isab at August 19, 2015 9:06 AM
Thanks for your input, ladies. At the very least, LW's boyfriend has half the battle down. Imagine if he was also a short-timer also not really good at pleasing her.
Amy's advice is probably spot on. At least, he wants to please her. Not like some guys, who are out for their own gratification and no one else's.
Patrick at August 19, 2015 11:23 AM
I had a guy who just had lousy technique. He would finally hit the right place etc and I would say there...right there and the he would speed up or go a little to this way or that way. Oy. For the record, I have been told by those who did know what they are doing that I am very easy to please (and good for the ego), but this guy coulda had Garmin and he wouldn't find it
Thankfully when his true colors came out and highly critical (you did this too much today...you weren't enough that today) and I saw his other bad qualities he was easy to dump since he couldn't get me off..
I always wonder if my friends who "don't enjoy sex" are married lousy lovers. Sad they don't get help.
CatherineM at August 19, 2015 5:12 PM
The best sex I ever had was with a woman who told me, in explicit detail, from the first time, what she wanted.
Unfortunately, my current girlfriend can't tell me what would do it for her, because she doesn't know herself. And at my age, I'm pretty much like Anathema's guy.
Rex Little at August 19, 2015 11:03 PM
Patrick - I'd like to throw out that women are different. There are some who take *forever*. There are some who can get there from thinking alone. There are some who need clitoral stimulation, some who can't come from that at all.
We're a confusing, difficult gender!
In general, women take longer than men. But...it can depend a lot on the person. Throw in that if a woman can't come vaginally and all you're doing is, well...jackhammering...and it can get pretty tedious. The best thing to do really is to explain your wants/needs/desires.
Mahkara at August 21, 2015 2:54 PM
As a guy, I say this: "I'm in it to get off". If the woman wants to get off, fine. Get off. But her primary job is to get me off. End of story.
Paul A'Barge at August 23, 2015 7:06 PM
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