Err Of Mystery
I'm a 28-year-old guy, newly single after the end of my relationship from college, and all of my dates have been busts. I ask girls out, and they say yes, but I must be doing something wrong on first dates, because I can't seem to score a second one. Like, ever. They go out with me once, and goodbye. I'm a gentleman, enthusiastic, complimentary, affectionate. What could be the problem?
--Puzzled
There's a chance you're overdoing it in the Enthusiastic! Complimentary! Affectionate! department. (It's good to keep a woman guessing a little, but not, "Am I on a date, or is this guy trying to enroll me in a pyramid scheme?")
Consider "the principle of least interest," sociologist Willard Waller's term for how, in any relationship, the person who shows the least interest has the most power. Conversely, the person who comes on with all the subtle nonchalance of a "Cash For Gold!" sign spinner -- especially before they even know the other person -- has the aura of a needy suck-up.
Try something: Cool it on your next five dates. This doesn't mean acting catatonic. It just means waiting to see whether a woman actually is exciting and worth getting to know -- as opposed to being excited by her mere presence: "Wow -- to be out with a real woman! I usually just have candlelit dinners with a pillow with a wig on it!"
He didn't give you much to work with, but your answer was certainly good, even if it involved some guesswork. The word that sent up the red flag for me was "affectionate." Affectionate? On a first date? How affectionate can you be with someone you don't even know?
It's giving me this idea that he's all over his first date like Gomez on Morticia. "Tish! That's French!"
Patrick at September 22, 2015 7:40 PM
There's very little to work with here.
With that said, *most* first dates are busts. So if you've been going out on two dates a week, for a year, and *none* have resulted in second dates, yeah, you're probably doing something wrong. But if it's been 10 dates, that's actually pretty normal. (I'd guess around 10% of my first dates result in second dates, at least when when we met somewhere like Tinder or OKC.)
Also, you mentioned you're "newly single". Is it possible women are picking up on that and aren't super eager to be your rebound? It might be worth cooling it for a few months, getting over the ex, and then putting effort into dating.
Mahkara at September 23, 2015 12:38 PM
I met this guy and we hit it off initially,then we decided to leave and meet up at a pool hall to continue to get to know each other. He was all handsy and kept trying to kiss me. I don't like that, so I called it a night. Next thing you know he is texting constantly and trying to guilt me into spending more time with him. Tried to get me to forgo a concert to meet up. It became too much and I finally said that I wouldn't be interested in any future rendezvous. I told him he was a nice guy and a bit young for me and should date ladies more on his level. He said that sucks, and it always ends like that for him. I imagine he was only interested in finding someone to play with his pee pee, and acted too desperate about it.
Yolabubbles at September 24, 2015 5:21 PM
The emergency cell phone call she gets thirty minutes into the date is the giveaway.
jefe at September 25, 2015 1:48 PM
So you went out with a guy who was too handsy, and too needy, and rather than tell him the truth you told him he was a nice guy?
Ever think if the last woman he had acted like that with hadnt lied to him like you did, he wouldnt have acted like that with you?
lujlp at September 25, 2015 2:40 PM
Instead of putting all this effort into dates, find some meet-ups or social hobbies. Then you can meet women in an environment that's comfortable and less like a job interview. Even better, if nothing happens with women, you can still have a good time and make friends.
JT at September 27, 2015 3:39 PM
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