Lord Of The Ringer
I had an affair with a married man, and we fell madly in love, and he left his wife for me. We've been happily married for many years, but recently, I found out that he's still in contact with his ex-wife. I got suspicious, bought a voice-activated recorder, and tapped our landline. Lo and behold, they're having hot phone sex while I'm visiting my elderly mother on Sundays! I can't believe he would disrespect me like this! Especially after all we've done (like moving across the country to get away from his psycho ex). I really love him, so I'm wondering whether I should confront him or just seethe in silence (because I know he won't go back to her). And honestly, I'm not even sure phone sex is really cheating.
--Shocked
Okay then. You'll just be having a nice big scoop of "What Comes Around Goes Around." Cup or cone? Nuts? Sprinkles?
As for your shock at his behavior -- "I can't believe he would disrespect me like this!" -- it's not like you two met while working at the ethics factory. People who cheat with you are cheaters, meaning that they can probably be counted on to cheat on you. We all know this. Yet there you are, not only suspending disbelief but driving it out to the desert and burying it in a shallow grave.
You're doing this not because you're dumb but because you're succumbing to a mental shortcut called "optimism bias" -- a belief, fueled by ego and wishful thinking, that bad things likely to happen to other people will pass over you like a flock of birds, not leaving so much as a souvenir dropping in your hair. Optimism bias is maintained with denial -- like your questioning whether phone sex is "really cheating." Um, if some behavior by your partner, done openly, is likely to cause you to burst into heaving sobs, chances are he's crossing the line: "Be right there, dear! Just talking dirty to my ex-wife."
As for your notion that you could just seethe in silence, wonderful idea -- except for how, as resentment builds, "head in the sand" starts to feel like "head in the blender." To stop giving in to optimism bias, give yourself a crack upside the head with how things actually are. Yes, you need to admit that your husband is cheating on you. Once you have your meet-and-greet with reality, let him know you're onto him and then sit down together to see what you have and whether it's fixable (and not just by making your elderly mom take the bus to your house so you can stand guard by the phone).
To figure things out, spend 12 hours straight in a hotel room together. Yes, really. No books, TV, phone calls, naps, or walks outside. You can sit silently -- or talk about anything regarding one or both of you. The late therapist Nathaniel Branden, who came up with this idea, called it an "experiment in intimacy." Branden explained that when all avenues of escape are closed off, a couple can experience real breakthroughs in communication. As opposed to what you've been experiencing -- real breakthroughs in communications devices: "Yeah, we have a very happy relationsh--...hold on, Katrina...sorry; that was just the tracking thingie telling me my husband's going south on Oak."
"Okay then. You'll just be having a nice big scoop of "What Comes Around Goes Around." Cup or cone? Nuts? Sprinkles?"
Nuff said.
wtf at September 8, 2015 8:19 PM
So there are TWO women chasing after this jackass, and they have been for years.
Pirate Jo at September 9, 2015 5:31 AM
So a guy who was flexible with his commitment to the previous incumbent turned out to be flexible with his commitment to you. I'm shocked, shocked...
MarkD at September 9, 2015 5:37 AM
I was fired from my job at the ethics factory for stealing on the job.
Anathema at September 9, 2015 7:23 AM
No, no, seethe in silence. Cuz that's SOOO effective at resolving conflict.
bkmale at September 9, 2015 8:02 AM
What a prize she's won!
ahw at September 9, 2015 9:34 AM
The Goddess writes: You're doing this not because you're dumb...
Well, actually, yes she is doing it because she's dumb.
Patrick at September 9, 2015 11:48 AM
Yes, if they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you~! You both deserve each other.
Jan at September 9, 2015 3:31 PM
There are three types of cheaters.
Those who have mismatched libidos and have permission to get some outside the marriage
Those who are in a relationship they dont want to be in but are too cowardly to have the conversation to break it off
Those who do it because they enjoy it
You knew your cheater was unethical, as were you. I have no sympathy for you
lujlp at September 9, 2015 10:30 PM
And honestly, I'm not even sure phone sex is really cheating.
It's only cheating if there's actual penetration with a mobile device.
JD at September 10, 2015 12:31 PM
I never liked phone sex.
It hurts.
When it rings, I can never get it out in time.
Patrick at September 10, 2015 4:20 PM
Of course he won't go back to her (ex-wife)! He'll leave the LW for someone new! I bet the ex-wife thought up until the time her husband left her that she was happily married also. But the good news is, if hubby leaves the LW, then after a number of years she can expect he'll be calling her for phone sex too. And his newest wife will be calling her a psycho.
tango at September 10, 2015 4:56 PM
You're probably right, tango. Then there will be THREE women wasting years of their lives chasing after this jackass.
Pirate Jo at September 11, 2015 4:39 AM
I had an affair with a married man, and we fell madly in love, and he left his wife for me...I found out that he's still in contact with his ex-wife...I can't believe he would disrespect me like this!...I'm wondering whether I should confront him or just seethe in silence...
Holy crud, LW, listen to yourself! Are you twelve? It's time to pull on your big girl panties and act like a mature woman, not some irresponsible middle schooler.
For further info, see the comments that came before this one.
Wallawallawanda at September 11, 2015 7:04 AM
I wonder whether people write in to Amy with problems like this because they know subconsciously they deserve to get chewed out. But with some practical advice to possibly fix the issue along with the dose of grow up and take a good hard look at yourself.
Tapping the phone. Ewww.
Plus, has the husband never heard of prepaid mobile phones? I mean seriously, if you're planning ahead enough to schedule your phone sex with your ex while your wife is away on Sundays, how hard could it be buy a second phone?
Ltw at September 11, 2015 6:04 PM
I suppose some genuinely believe, when dating a married person, that they're really just helping out someone trapped in the wrong relationship. But a part of me always has to question; Was there just a TINY bit if the thrill of tasting forbidden fruit there, a tiny bit of an ego boost for being the great person and she's(the wife) the psycho? To me, these are the things, in addition to optimism bias, that can blind one to certain realities, like that they're dating a cheater.
LG at September 12, 2015 11:24 AM
The person I'm wondering about is the ex-wife. This guy cheated on her and dumped her, and now she's having phone sex with him? How desperate is that?
Rex Little at September 13, 2015 9:57 AM
if you're planning ahead enough to schedule your phone sex with your ex while your wife is away on Sundays, how hard could it be buy a second phone?
Some very smart people seem to have a blind spot when it comes to cell phone privacy. There's a guy who's having an affair which consists mostly of texting. (How much is sexting, I don't know.) They exchange thousands of text messages a month, and have been doing this for three years. Problem is, he's on a family plan with his adult son, and the bill shows how many text messages he's sent and to whom. Last year his son got a look at the bill, and just as the whole family was about to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, he blew the whistle.
(I know all this because the woman he texts with is my soon-to-be-ex-wife.)
Rex Little at September 13, 2015 3:43 PM
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