Getting More Exorcise
I went through a horrible divorce several years ago. Our marriage got very ugly, and I was mainly at fault. I've since worked very hard to get my life together and become a better person, but this past Saturday night, out of the blue, I got a slew of angry, abusive texts from my ex-husband. Some of these texts: "I have a new wife & she's younger than u & treats me way better." "My career is going great. I bet ur more of a mess than ever." "Ur a sociopath. I hope u die." He also texted me an aerial shot of his new house and pool. A while back, I tried to apologize to him on the phone, but he was, to put it nicely, not interested. Is there a way to stop all this ugliness? (P.S. The new me stopped the old me from sending back snarky texts.)
--Changed Person
Nothing says "I'm over you" like a Saturday night text blitz of hate and real estate.
When life sends you hate, it's tempting to make haterade: "Luv the pool. Will b over 2nite to swim with adolfo, my 24-yr-old underwear model boyfriend." But the snarky low blow will just keep the ugly flying. Consider that anger comes out of hurt -- from feeling that we've been treated unfairly -- and try a counterintuitive approach: calling up a little compassion. Compassion gets confused with empathy, the ability to put yourself in somebody else's shoes. But compassion is empathy plus an action plan -- dialing in to the hurt that the person is feeling and then wanting to do something to make things better (rather than just taking the spectator approach: "Woo, is he ever having a crummy life!").
Compassion is the gateway to accountability -- taking responsibility for the harm you caused. You do that by admitting what you did and apologizing for it and then trying to make good in the best way you can. Sure, you tried to apologize to him before, but on the phone. The phone is easy. It's the medium of prank calls and "30 minutes or less or your pizza is free!"
Referencing the work of apology researcher Aaron Lazare, M.D., I explain in my book "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" that a meaningful apology is a "costly apology" -- one that requires the person doing the apologizing to invest time and effort, take a hit to their ego by admitting wrongdoing, and maybe even spend money. (On that last one, that's if you, say, broke someone's vase, as opposed to their ability to trust women, which is a little harder to put a dollar amount on.)
A "costly apology" starts with a full jerktopsy -- your dissection of three things: 1. Why what you did was wrong; 2. What it must mean to the person you wronged; and 3. How things could have (and should have) been different. Laying out these details -- first for yourself and then for the person you harmed -- helps them see that you understand what you did and that you aren't all "yeah, whatever, bro" about its effects on them. By making a meaningful effort to clean up the damage you did to their dignity -- their feeling that they're worthy of care and respect -- you may allow them to stop clinging to what you did and maybe even forgive you (putting an end to the fun game of "I'll claw your back; you claw mine").
Send your apology to your ex in a letter -- one that is detailed and thoughtful, reflects self-knowledge and healthy humility, and expresses remorse. He may or may not accept your apology, believe you've changed, or change his attitude toward you. But apologizing is the right thing to do and, ultimately, something you need to do for you. Getting in the habit of being accountable makes you a better romantic partner, a better friend, and a better person (and probably a person who sleeps better, as you tend to do when your conscience isn't yoo-hooing you with 3 a.m. wake-up calls).
Sometimes you can't entirely do right by the person you hurt (like when anything beyond a letter of apology would be unwanted and/or require body armor). Unfortunately, there's no "undo" command in life, and a working time machine is probably at least 50 years behind my tragically nonexistent flying car. So when you find yourself still owing, it's good to do something for somebody -- maybe some sort of volunteer or philanthropic work -- with the explicit purpose of making up for the harm you did. And then, when the confused homeless guy wonders why you're giving him not just the bag of groceries but the car you loaded it into, you can mumble, "Um...let's just say marriage wasn't my strong suit."
Hmmmmm. I'm familiar with the flip side to this, the apologies that I really, really do not care to hear at this point. I don't actively stir a hatred for my ex, just don't want anything to do with him at all. Any contact at all leads to crap at some point. The fact that he's sending you raging texts, to me, screams that he is not over what happened and he aint actually in that great of a place in his life. If he were, he wouldn't be dwelling on you. If all he wants is to win an argument instead of accept graciously that you are repentant, then my vote, after that last sincere apology by whatever means you want, is to then block him if he cannot handle this turnaround in you. Block him good.
gooseegg at October 13, 2015 5:55 PM
Well, there are two sides to this.
Yes, she says she was a jerk and for some women to admit they were a big jerk means that she was probably in the Jerk-lympics and aiming for a medal until they canceled the triathlon due to raining affidavits.
But he might ALSO be a big bitter person who can't let go. We don't know how long they have been separated.
It takes at least 2 years (from my limited experience) to suddenly prove you have turned around as a person and that is with reasonable amounts of ability to SHOW change.
She is not able to do that. And one letter or phone call will not show that, though it's a start.
She has been able to daily see herself changing and moving on. What does he have to see? One phone call: grace on the cheap. He isn't there to see this 'growth'.
Is it any wonder he is skeptical?
So it might not only be her fault (some men cling to hate for a long time) but it's also not fair for her to assume HE knows she is changed. He isn't there. He still sees that same shrew he knows and loathes.
FIDO at October 13, 2015 10:59 PM
My take: First of all, I commend the LW for working to improve herself as a person. Bravo, and I'm not being sarcastic. Second: What is your motivation for wanting to send an apology? You need to ask yourself if you're doing it out of some hope of reconciling in some fashion with him. If so, that's the wrong reason. If you're doing it because it's what you think you need to do in order to become a better person, then go ahead -- but have no expectations for the outcome.
Composing and sending the letter should be its own reward. Be prepared for the possibility that you will get another blast of anger in return. If so, and assuming you don't have children with the ex, then it's time to go no-contact: block him from your phone and email (get a different phone number and email address if necessary), delete his contact info from your phone, and proceed to live your life as if he doesn't exist anymore. And if you get threats: (1) notify the police, and (2) check into what it takes to get a concealed-carry permit where you live. Remember, a restraining order is only a piece of paper, and pieces of paper do not stop bullets.
Cousin Dave at October 14, 2015 6:28 AM
How sad. If someone had treated me very badly in the past, I would never want to see or hear from them again. I certainly wouldn't contact them, even to let them know how well I was doing or let them know I hoped they died. I have had an ex boyfriend from long ago try to reach out to me through social media, and I have always just ignored him and blocked his profile. (I also sent word through mutual friends that I had not interest whatsoever in catching up or being friends.)
I'd guess that the ex was exceptionally drunk, and that he's not doing anywhere near as well as he claims. I also don't think that there's anything the LW can do to make it better. By all means, write a letter of apology... then avoid him. That includes blocking him on social media, if possible. He's obviously not over whatever happened, despite his younger wife and his house with a pool.
I also concur with Cousin Dave that LW should consider her personal safety. This is someone with a simmering anger that has lasted years. Maybe it's nothing but a one-time drunken text, but who knows?
ahw at October 14, 2015 8:10 AM
Has anyone ever un-rung a bell?
You think and say you're a better person. Sure. You are going to die "mainly at fault" in this relationship. Unless you can change the past. Why should he care enough to not bin your carefully composed letter of apology, unread? I would.
He's over you, except for angry, abusive texts, which means he's not. I tend to stay far away from people with control issues, but you might be lucky. Maybe he's just verbally abusive.
Sometimes there is no solution. Move on.
MarkD at October 14, 2015 9:46 AM
I'd add that he's certainly not under any obligation to forgive you, or stop hating you. By your own admission, you've done a lot wrong, and your conscience isn't his concern. But do be careful.
ahw at October 14, 2015 10:45 AM
She should write him the long heartfelt letter that she wouldn't have bothered to write if he hadn't texted her about his fabulous new life.
What's that famous non-apology? "I'm sorry you feel that way." Yeah, that should do it. Throw that in there for good measure.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 14, 2015 12:39 PM
I've got a better idea - just ignore him. Unless you have children together, you don't need to have any contact with each other. So don't respond, don't write any letters, don't call, don't text, don't email, don't send smoke signals, and if he texts you again, block his number.
Erica at October 14, 2015 2:18 PM
If he's acting like this, I truly wonder how much of the blame she really should accept that things went bad in their relationship. He couldn't have been Prince Charming when they were together, only to start secreting toxin out his pores when they divorced. If he's acting like a total dickhead now, chances are that's what he always was.
I hope LW can accept responsibility only for her contribution and not accept blame for his.
Patrick at October 14, 2015 4:43 PM
Big difference here if they have kids or any other reason why they still interact, (same town, many mutual friends, alimony etc) Divorces can be ugly and change people. So I wouldn't assume from one drunk text that this guy is violent.
When apologizing also remember that sure it may help you, but will it help the other person or opening up old wounds and hurt them again.
Joe J at October 14, 2015 7:17 PM
If he's acting like this, I truly wonder how much of the blame she really should accept that things went bad in their relationship.
Me too. Abusers often convince their victims to accept unearned blame.
Amy usually corresponds with an LW and gets more background than we see in the column. Did this LW go into detail about why she believes she was mainly at fault?
Rex Little at October 15, 2015 6:33 AM
What if the LW wrote that apology letter for herself and didn't send it? Because it's to help her move on. It won't change the situation between her and her ex.
JT at October 15, 2015 12:02 PM
Alkon why are they still in contact?
Ppen at October 15, 2015 1:21 PM
We're only getting one side of the story but sounds like he's still hurting and consumed with anger.
Great job, Amy, in outlining what constitutes a true apology. So many people seem to think simply saying they're sorry wipes the slate clean.
If the LW does write her ex a letter of apology - hopefully it will be a sincere effort and contain all of the elements outlined above - if it's just to make herself feel better or has the potential to be even more hurtful - she shouldn't send it.
Kat at October 19, 2015 2:42 PM
I think he probably partially just needs to get it out of his system .. I suspect he may feel at least slightly better after unloading like that. I would apologize again though (once, properly, but not over and over), and whatever you do, don't antagonize him and draw him into a new round of hurt. If you hurt someone, well, a hurt person is the result .. own it.
Lobster at October 21, 2015 4:41 PM
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