Going Scold Turkey
I have a bad temper, and I'm trying to change. Now when I'm mad, I leave the room to compose myself. Recently, my boyfriend said something that really upset me. Taking a break allowed me to calmly explain that he'd hurt my feelings. He apologized, and I could tell he truly felt bad -- much worse than if I had raged on him. Can you explain this?
--Formerly Volcanic
It's really smart to "take 10" when you're angry -- and not just because it takes that long to get the gasoline, pour it all over your boyfriend's Xbox, and light it on fire.
As I explained recently, screaming at a guy -- a verbal attack -- launches the same fight-or-flight defense system as trying to use the guy's face as a bar rag. And once a person's adrenaline gets let out of the gate, there's no coaxing it back. That's why "Braveheart" would be a Monty Python movie if the Scots, upon doing their battle cry, stopped, looked at one another, and then called to the English: "Say, luvvies...on second thought...shall we all put down these silly battle-axes, wash our faces, and chat out our differences o'er a cup o' tea?"
As for why your emotional makeover led your boyfriend to go more Mother Teresa than angry motherfucker, social psychologist C. Daniel Batson explains that we have two distinct emotional responses to perceiving another person in need. The first, "personal distress," leads us to have an "egoistic" motivation -- to focus on ourselves and how we can escape our own uncomfortable feelings. The other response is empathy -- or really, "empathic concern," which leads to an altruistic motivation: wanting to comfort the other person. You're more likely to elicit the empathic response when your boyfriend doesn't need to mount a defense -- that is, when you approach him with quiet hurt and disappointment instead of like a hornet with boobs and a purse.
Kudos to you for recognizing that having a feeling isn't reason to hop on it and ride it like a hoverboard. But in light of how gnarly-hard impulse control can be, what's most impressive are your adult timeouts -- putting space between having a feeling and acting on it. It is good for your boyfriend to believe he can always count on you -- but not to explode and take his hand off like black-market fireworks you bought with the possum jerky out of the trunk of some guy's car.
That urge to blow up with the least warning is a reptilian 'fight or flight' evolutionary holdover. It comes from the amygdala part of the brain. Gaining control of this sort of primal impulse is a challenge for anyone. I once threw away an important client for a perceived slight, when all I needed to do was ask "What did you mean by that?"
jefe at January 12, 2016 6:52 PM
I will add for the LW's benefit that the response she gave is also more likely to actually solve the problem in the future. If you scream at someone, you are forcing them to defend their existence, which makes them unlikely to want to see your viewpoint. I can guarantee you that, thanks to the way you handled it, your boyfriend is now thinking "What the hell possessed me to say that?", and he's more likely to catch himself in the future.
Cousin Dave at January 13, 2016 7:19 AM
LW, I commend you on your efforts to control your temper. It is most important you do so, not just in your relationship with your boyfriend, but in the future if you should have children.
I speak from experience that being screamed at as a child is a horrific and scarring thing. Your choice to control yourself so that you do not do so will prevent an abusive relationship that would cause immeasurable harm to any children you have.
You are doing the right thing, your time-outs are a great first step. I wish you luck.
Kat at January 15, 2016 1:21 PM
LW-- I will add that, just being aware of your anger issue is the first step to addressing it! Sociopaths/psychopaths generally refuse to admit the problem lies with themselves, and direct the blame to anyone or everyone around them, instead.
jefe at January 17, 2016 3:49 PM
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