The Silent Scram
I was dating this girl for about three weeks, but I just wasn't really feeling it, so I "ghosted" -- stopped asking her out and just didn't respond to her texts. Some of my friends said I was mean to "ghost," but honestly, I think it's a lot kinder than telling somebody you're not into them. Why have an uncomfortable conversation when you can just slip out and everybody is spared?
--Faded Away
Why take 45 seconds to text a girl that it's over when you can make her obsess about you for two months straight, stalk you on Instagram, and bore her friends catatonic with "Is his phone broken? Is my phone broken? Did he see that drunken Facebook post? Should I have waxed my moustache?"
Wordlessly disappearing on somebody you've spent more than a couple of hours with at a coffee bar is a kick in their dignity -- telling them they aren't even important enough for you to tell them they aren't important. It also makes a person go unnecessarily berserko, due to what's called the "Zeigarnik effect." Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik observed that unfinished business causes administrative problems for our mind -- leaving it in a "state of tension" and causing it to annoy us (over and over) to get "closure" on whatever's been interrupted and left incomplete.
This isn't to say you owe a woman a detailed rundown on your feelings; you just need to tell her that you're done. Ideally, open with something complimentary, and then bring down the ax: "Not working for me." "Not feeling it." That sort of thing. She'll cry, she'll eat some cake, and she'll move on. Ultimately, if you want to be kind, a breakup should feel more like ripping off a Band-Aid than hysterically searching for your car for four hours in a multi-level parking structure.
It would actually be funny if the people who plan to "ghost" never get any texts or calls from the person they want to stop dating.
Fayd at March 22, 2016 4:41 PM
Going *poof*, or 'ghosting' is pretty much de rigeur anymore. For every man who has done this to a woman, I'll bet twenty women have done it to him.
It's why I feel no shame when I do it... and she doesn't give a fig, either.
jefe at March 22, 2016 5:16 PM
His friends are right. There is nothing kind about "ghosting."
He writes, "Some of my friends said I was mean to 'ghost,' but honestly, I think it's a lot kinder than telling somebody you're not into them."
On the contrary, breaking it off lets them know immediately that the relationship is over. And they can immediately get on with their lives with the understanding that he is no longer going to be a part of it. Ghosting leaves them wondering, probably for days, what's going on before they realize that they were dumped.
And ghosting does tell the person that you're not into them. That's the conclusion they'll eventually draw, so either way, you're saying that you're not into them.
Frankly, it sounds like this guy is trying to rationalize taking the coward's way out. On the positive side, at least his former girlfriend can console herself with the realization that she lost a wimp who's afraid of confrontation. Bullet dodged.
Patrick at March 22, 2016 6:39 PM
Meh. I am with jefe with this. How many times has a guy been given a fake phone number by a woman or lead on so he could continue buying them drinks, just for them to 'ghost' out the back door? Were these women taking 'the coward's way out'? Of course they were and no, the fact they did not share more than a few hours together does not exonerate women who do this. These women want to avoid drama...well, right back at you!
Does this exonerate the guy? No. It is still a crappy thing to do to a person, but I can't find it in me to shed too many tears.
FIDO at March 23, 2016 8:02 AM
This hilarious song kind of sums it up, while also name-checking Millard Fillmore, Hashimoto's Syndrome, and Back to the Future. (Some sweary words, if that sort of thing distresses anyone).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr8HKRTavM0
Anathema at March 23, 2016 8:03 AM
I've done both and have been 'wrong' on both so I just ghosted after that unless there had been some "couple" stuff assumed.
It's bad when you assume "we need to talk" when you don't, and it's bad when after a couple of dates she thinks you're a couple when you're not.
Also I assume (from the previous post) that sex has been exchanged and that would change things unless specific words are stated or I know the lady's history.
Bob in Texas at March 23, 2016 8:26 AM
"By their works shall ye know them" - jefe and FIDO are apparently a$sholes, like LW.
"Kinder to me,"is what he means.
If it's "de rigueur" these days to be an a$shole, count me out. You don't have to be a milquetoast to be a decent human being.
Grey Ghost at April 1, 2016 6:47 AM
"Meh. I am with jefe with this. How many times has a guy been given a fake phone number by a woman or lead on so he could continue buying them drinks, just for them to 'ghost' out the back door? Were these women taking 'the coward's way out'? Of course they were and no, the fact they did not share more than a few hours together does not exonerate women who do this. These women want to avoid drama...well, right back at you!"
Yeah...but in this case, the woman gave him her actual number and, ya know, spent actual, real time with him. So...why does she "deserve" to be ghosted? It's far less stressful to be told clearly when someone isn't into you than to be left hanging.
BBB at April 23, 2016 4:26 PM
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