Hi, Money, I'm Home!
My boyfriend is going to a dinner out of town to get an award for a film he made, and he didn't invite me. When I told him I felt excluded, he said that he was embarrassed because his parents are paying for his flight and he has to stay with a friend. I get it; he does wonderful work, but he's still struggling financially. Still, if the tables were turned -- if I were getting an award -- I would at least tell him I wish he could come.
--Upset
There are a lot of things Martin Scorsese has been known to say, but one of them is not, "I want you by my side at this festival, and I only have to dig through the trash for 8,234 more cans to make that happen."
It isn't surprising that your boyfriend -- as a man -- is more sensitive about being...as they say...brokeahontas than you would be if the (awards dinner) tables were turned. As I frequently explain, men and women aren't just physically different; they evolved to have corresponding psychological differences. A biggie comes out of how there was a far greater potential cost to an ancestral woman from any sex act (pregnancy and a kid to feed) compared with the cost to a man: "Gee, that was a whole teaspoonful of sperm!"
So female psychology evolved to push women to look for "providers" -- men with access to resources and a willingness to share them. That's why women go for guys who show signs of wealth, like a temperature-controlled nursery for their sports cars. Wealth is a cue to the all-important ability to bring home the bison. But in ancestral times, we couldn't hang on to stuff -- including food -- because we didn't have refrigerators, let alone houses to keep them in. There was just the meat you could eat before it went bad and your man's ability to hunt it down. So what does it for a lot of women is potential -- signs that a man could soon be, uh, dragging home tasty dead animals (probably shrink-wrapped, unless their guy is good with a crossbow).
You seem to be one of those women. (You get that they don't give out film awards to just any doof who shoots a cat video on their iPhone.) If you do believe in your boyfriend, tell him -- regularly, in detail. If he gets that you're proud of him and that you'd be happier eating hot dogs on a bench with him than dining with some corporate drone at Le Whatever, he's less likely to feel he's failing you by being undercapitalized. This should help him be more inclusive in the future -- at least emotionally -- when that "historic location" where he'll be staying is the sagging love seat where his buddy lost his virginity in 1992.
Also I would assume this is a networking event for him, as he is hopefully on his way up. It is very distracting and much less flexible when trying to push into a decent position to have somebody hanging on to you, he likely wants to use his parents´ investiment well.
zapf at April 20, 2016 6:59 AM
@Zapf:
I . . . kind of agree? But I've actually found that having a sparkly, super social, industry-savvy partner at a network event can be a big plus. And of course having a sulky, uninvolved, clingy one can be a minus. Probably neither here nor there for this situation, but my husband actually drags me to art-world mixer things because I'm more social than he is, and have helped him impress folks, make connections, etc.
Anathema at April 20, 2016 7:22 AM
Can she pay her own way without breaking their budget? Maybe spring for a hotel room instead of crashing on someone's couch? Did he even give her the opportunity to gracefully bow out because of the financial issues, or did he just assume that she wouldn't go, and leave her feeling dissed? Does he take her to local events? Or does she have a reason to feel left out?
Lots of questions, I can't really form an opinion either way.
Kat at April 20, 2016 10:41 AM
"But I've actually found that having a sparkly, super social, industry-savvy partner at a network event can be a big plus. "
"Industry-savvy" is a key there, though. I don't see anything in the letter about whether LW is in the film industry or knows anything about it. I travel a fair amount for work, and my wife usually declines to go on these trips. She knows what's probably going to happen, and she has no interest in sitting at dinner and listening to me and a bunch of other people having an in-depth discussion of, say, radars. When the trip revolves around work and the spouse is not knowledgeable about that line of work, the spouse often winds up feeling excluded.
Cousin Dave at April 21, 2016 7:50 AM
Maybe I'm being a bit harsh but why didn't this come up in a "Guess what happened to me Honey!" conversation which would been followed up w/general chitchat at some point. ("Damn, can you believe how much air fare costs?")
Guess that's expecting too much from people that probably text more than they converse.
Too me this is a red flag event. Wanting to share a big event but explaining why that's a problem should be a no-brainer.
BECAUSE it was not brought up until after travel arrangements are made strikes me as a "Why would you assume I would invite you? We just sleep together." situation.
Bob in Texas at April 21, 2016 7:53 AM
Maybe I'm being a bit harsh but why didn't this come up in a "Guess what happened to me Honey!" conversation which would been followed up w/general chitchat at some point.
Christ, this, THIS right here is why I generally despise people with every fiber of my being.
Why the fuck should anyone have to fake a cheerful self congratulatory jerk fest in order to tiptoe into a discussion about how much our fiances suck (as though we both didnt know) and thats why you need to insist on not going (as though you could) all so you can feel as though I care for you (as though spending all me free time and resources with you means jack shit)
FUCKING CHRIST, mother fucking children need less coddling than god damn adults these days, makes me want to stab people in the fucking face
lujlp at April 21, 2016 11:21 AM
He is a boyfriend, not a fiancee or spouse. How often do they see each other? Are they living together?
Honestly that is the issue with our modern relationships, who knows what the terms mean. Boyfriend could mean anything from we are common law married and have been for decades with five kids and a shared accountant to we sleep with each other once a month when we both are feeling drunk and horny. As Kat said, not enough information.
Ben at April 21, 2016 6:44 PM
I got my last deer with a crossbow. They taste better than with a rifle.
Simon Kenton at April 23, 2016 4:52 PM
I love my husband more than anyone. He is charismatic and extroverted. He remembers names and faces. Everyone loves him. He's a major social asset.
I still don't want him with me at professional engagements. He doesn't work in my industry, and it's a distraction.
Insufficient Poison at April 24, 2016 8:45 AM
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