For Whom The Belle Tolls
I know my boyfriend's into me, and he's generally very loving, but I get far more compliments about how I look from guys I'm not dating. How do I get my boyfriend to let me know that he likes the view?
--Uncomplimented
There's a reason that the Miss World pageant lacks a mathematics category, in which contestants come out smiling and waving and then do one of the world's great unsolved math problems in their head: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we'll watch as Miss Uruguay proves that the 196-algorithm does not terminate when applied to the number 196."
Obviously, beauty isn't everything. In fact, according to research by economist Jeremy Greenwood, a smarty-pants, highly educated guy is more likely than ever (compared with, say, 1960) to require his bride-to-be to be similarly smarty-pants and highly educated. What hasn't changed is male sexual desire. Because it's intensely visual, it's reassuring for a woman to hear that the way she looks is driving a guy wild -- as opposed to driving him to pluck his eyes out with barbecue tongs.
Men like to know they're making a woman happy -- or at least how they might have some hope of that. So, put it in those terms: "Baby, you know what I'd love...?" rather than "Buddy, you know how you're failing me...?" (Gently remind him until he gets in the habit.) A positive approach like this tends to be the most effective, tempting as it may be to hint that noncompliance will lead to severe sanctions: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, if you ever want a blow job again, you'd better say something nice about my outfit."
Oh, shoot. When I first read this, I thought you were calling Jeremy Greenwood a smarty-pants, highly educated guy.
Fayd at June 21, 2016 5:00 PM
"Dear Amy, My boyfriend initiates sex with me all the time and wants to spend time with me constantly. But he doesn't tell me how pretty I am! What is wrong with HIM?"
Alas, I feel she is using the wrong pronoun.
Old authors cliché 'Show, don't tell.'
She is not content that he is pulling off her thong with his teeth. He also needs to give her aural sex.
Sigh.
FIDO at June 22, 2016 4:15 AM
I´m with FIDO. How come you need all this from bf? I have my gay hair/fashion guys for that appearance compliment stuff. So time with the guy is spent in hotter &/or more interesting endeavors than fishing for compliments.
zapf at June 22, 2016 5:42 AM
Wish we could give her boyfriend a heads-up. High maintenance ahead.
Bob in Texas at June 22, 2016 6:15 AM
Chronic insecurity is ultimately very unattractive. LW might want to deal with her fears before the boyfriend bails.
bkmale at June 22, 2016 7:03 AM
Nice to hear a "hey, you look nice." when you put effort into hair, clothes and make-up. I went out with a guy like hers so I get it. High maintenance has nothing to do with it. You guys ever put extra effort into shaving, hair trimming, clothes ect. and then feel good when your date says you look nice? Kind of made that extra effort worth while. If I was her, next date I'd go out no make-up, sweats and a ratty T- shirt. If he says anything, say you're low maintenance.
tmhell at June 25, 2016 5:41 PM
I love your column, especially the sarcasm. You often comment about how evolution has shaped human behavior, such as in cave society when the female mated with the caveman, Gronk, who brought home the bacon, or at least a slab of dino to eat. How did that evolve into modern society where the female mates with the best "provider" of diamond rings, big houses and BMWs. Just wondering.
Brad at November 28, 2016 1:31 PM
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