Trading What's-His-Faces
I'm a 34-year-old woman who's been in a yearlong relationship with a wonderful man. I've caught myself several times almost calling him by my ex's name. Surely, this means something, but what? I loathe my ex and regret spending seven long years with him. Still, could I have unresolved feelings for him?
--Disturbed
It's like when you pour orange juice on your cereal instead of milk, which surely only happens because you've been having sex dreams about fruit salad.
If your near name slips are a sign of anything, it's probably that you need a snack and a nap. Your brain is an energy hog, so it likes to cut corners where it can, especially when you're tired. Basically, like your web browser, it's big on autofill. In researcher-speak, this means it makes "retrieval errors" -- reaching into the right file drawer but just grabbing any old name and then going, "Yeah, whatever...good enough."
Research by psychological anthropologist Alan Page Fiske finds that the biggest predictors for name swapping are the same "mode of relationship" -- like here, where both names are from the boyfriend zone -- and being "of the same gender." Boringly reassuring, I hope. There's also a boringly simple fix -- from memory researcher David Balota: asking and answering the question "What is my current boyfriend's name?" using "spaced retrieval." This means setting a timer for, say, 15 seconds and then 45 seconds and then two minutes so you're recalling the name on demand (as opposed to just reciting it over and over again).
You might also try to see these near errors as a sign of the rich tapestry of our bustling modern lives, or some bullshit like that. At least that's what I tried to tell myself last week when I got off the phone with "Love you!" and heard back, "Um, yes, ma'am. Thank you for choosing AT&T."
I think he has become such a "fixture" in LW's life that he becomes "no name" or "pick one of two" when things get hurried.
Probably a good thing but not intuitively so.
Bob in Texas at June 7, 2016 5:37 PM
I grew up with a lot of siblings, and Mom would regularly get tongue-tied trying to call us by our actual names. This sounds similar.
jefe at June 7, 2016 9:20 PM
@Jefe: I grew up with a lot of siblings, and Mom would regularly get tongue-tied trying to call us by our actual names.
Oh, I still do that with my kids, usually ending up with "You! Who are you?"
As for the LW, I'd go with Miss Alkon's advice. It doesn't sound like anything to worry about.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at June 8, 2016 6:13 AM
"Surely, this means something..."
No, LW, it doesn't. Even though you are a special little snowflake, that does not give your every thought, word, or deed the super-duper-amazing gravitas you might think. It's just a simple human foible, sheesh, get over yourself.
bkmale at June 8, 2016 6:50 AM
Yeah, my mom sometimes calls me by my brother's name, and vice versa. She's been doing it for a long time. I think it started when we were both out of the house and she wasn't seeing either of us on a daily basis. I know she doesn't mean anything by it; it's just a slip of the tongue.
Cousin Dave at June 8, 2016 7:20 AM
Yeah sometimes I call my grandson by my dog's name...the dog is there everyday, my grandson isn't. I've even had to catch myself when speaking to my SO - I've started to call him by my deceased husband's name, and I'm pretty sure there have been times when I didn't catch myself...awkward! It happens, and it's certainly not something anyone should lose sleep over. I've even done the "Ok, love you" when hanging up to one of my bosses.
Silly story about my former MIL, the granddaughters on that side of the family are named (in order of birth): Terrin, Deeandra, Alexandra, Erica, Andrea, Veronica, Amelia, and Anna. My poor MIL would go through almost the entire list before she would lose it and start swearing at them in Spanish, because she knew they knew which kid she was talking to. She passed away about 9 years ago, it's still one of my kids' favorite memories about her.
sara at June 8, 2016 11:06 AM
It could be worse. Do you scream the ex's name during, er, intimate moments?
Related: I have called a dear lady friend's boyfriend by the wrong name several times, having been used to the previous guy over the years. That's awkward, too.
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Hey - isn't "awkward" the most appropriate word not classed onomatopoeia?
Radwaste at June 8, 2016 2:31 PM
Rad, after I had to look up the meaning of onomatopoeia, I would agree.
sara at June 8, 2016 3:32 PM
With my gf, I always have to remember that she picks names at random. Especially her daughter and sister get mixed up and basically, when she uses a name starting with M, you have to guess which it is by context (both their names start with M). I will call my kids by each others names every now and then and my gf has called me by her ex-husbands name. My kids call me mom when they come back from spending a week at their mothers. All in all, I'd say it's not a big deal at all.
(Oh, it's cows, to those of you sitting out there desperately trying to post a comment)
Jesper at June 8, 2016 11:05 PM
@Jesper
Odd..around here, we get our milk from telephone poles.
Arathael at June 9, 2016 9:57 PM
As others have pointed out, it's common for people to mix up names. But I don't think that's actually what the problem is for this particular LW. I'll go out on a limb and guess that "could I have unresolved feelings for him?" really means "Yes, I do, and I hate that. What can I do about it?"
Rex Little at June 10, 2016 11:04 AM
I mix up names all the time,(I've called a list of names including the dogs until I hit the right one before) so to get around it, I call my kids Baby and my husband Love. No embarressing slip-ups!
Kat at June 10, 2016 12:04 PM
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