Canine And A Half Weeks
My girlfriend sleeps with her two medium-sized dogs. They are, to quote her, her "babies." I see them more as her bodyguards. We don't live together, but even when I sleep over, which is a few times a week, she refuses to kick them out of the bed. She has a nice bed they could sleep on downstairs in a spare room, but she says she doesn't trust them down there.
--Second Fiddle
She doesn't trust them down there in the spare room? What will they do, get on the landline and make prank calls to Taiwan?
The truth is, a dog (or dogs) left alone in a room may, in short order, chew a $900 leather chair into a $900 pile of stuffing. People tend to see this as the dog's scheming attempt to show its owner who's boss. However, anthrozoologist and doggy behavior researcher John W.S. Bradshaw says the notion that dogs are engaged in this fight for dominance with humans just isn't supported by modern science. Unfortunately, widespread belief in this myth has led many to see (highly effective) reward-based dog training as coddling and instead opt for Stalinistic confrontation- and punishment-based training, which Bradshaw writes "may initially suppress (some unwanted) behavior but can then cause the dog to become depressed and withdrawn."
Chewing, Bradshaw explains, is actually a form of tension relief for a dog. Tension? Because the dog has a big project due at the office? Well, actually, we bred dogs to bond with us, so they evolved to find human contact very rewarding. And according to Bradshaw's research, many dogs experience serious "separation distress" when isolated from their owner -- which they often express in all sorts of decor-destroying ways. (Welcome to Bed Bath & Look, It's A Giant Dog Bone With Throw Pillows!)
Now, maybe you're thinking, "The girlfriend's two dogs have each other!" If only that counted in dog terms. Bradshaw references a study in which mutts in a kennel, separated from their usual canine kennel mates, didn't act out; however, those separated from their usual human caretakers freaked. As Bradshaw puts it, for a dog, the key pack member is "almost always a human."
As for the human conflict here, relationships researcher John Gottman explains that the answer to gridlock on an issue isn't solving the problem (which may be impossible) but being able to talk about it with humor, empathy, and affection. What's essential is that your feelings seem to be important to your girlfriend and that she at least considers possible compromises, like having the doggies in her bedroom but on beds on the floor. (It may take some training to get a bed dog to be a floor dog.) Ultimately, in the bedroom, the Reign of Terrier may not end, but on the upside, paw print place mats have yet to appear on the dining table, and your customary glass of merlot isn't being set next to a bowl of pasta primavera on the floor.
Dude (dudette): you're not the Alpha in this pack. You're going to have to settle for being second with crazy dog lady.
Look at her employment history, for instance. If she's had to leave work or make other concessions as if the dogs were children...
That's what they are.
Radwaste at July 12, 2016 8:39 PM
Dude (dudette): you're not the Alpha in this pack. You're going to have to settle for being second with crazy dog lady.
Forth actually, after her and the two dogs
lujlp at July 12, 2016 10:09 PM
If he had this man as a father he wouldn't have needed to write to Amy.
http://i.imgur.com/F7e6vFR.jpg
Ppen at July 13, 2016 12:29 AM
What, no evolutionary perspective from AA?
The dogs are her babies. In most societies, babies would sleep with their mothers until they were weaned, which was about age 3-4. Meanwhile dad sleeps off to the side to keep from rolling over and smothering the child.
Dogs evolved to take advantage of this maternal instinct and hijack it. (Not just for sleeping in the bed, but getting food and attention and all that jazz).
The problem is, the dogs will never stop being her babies, because unlike actual children they won't stop being dependant on her. So they'll be in her bed, forever. You have to either learn to be their adoptive dad, so you feel the same way, or leave.
You're not going to make headway by competing. As nearly any mom who comes first, the children or her husband, and she'll almost always say the kids. And that's when the dad is the father to the kids! If you're just some guy who's come along after the fact, you've got no chance.
Renee at July 13, 2016 8:20 AM
When I was married, our dogs would sleep on the bed between us, and often crowded her out by pushing against her while she slept. A year or two before we split up, she moved into the spare bedroom to get away from them. (No, privacy for late-night sexting with her boyfriend had nothing to do with it.)
Rex Little at July 13, 2016 9:01 AM
No offense LW but she's had them a lot longer than she's had you so why should you be alpha dog?
Your best hope is that as time goes by you replace them as her "baby" and they gradually get the boot to the floor. (Could happen.)
Bob in Texas at July 13, 2016 3:06 PM
"You're going to have to settle for being second"...
When the schooner "America" raced the Royal Yacht Squadron around the Isle of Wight, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert watched the finish. "America" was so far ahead that when Victoria asked Albert "Who is second?", he replied "There is no second, ma'am!"
This applies like crazy to dating single moms, as well. You're NOT "second'; there is no 'second'.
jefe at July 13, 2016 4:08 PM
Oh yeah... My Pirate Wench has a big black dog who enjoys her bed also, but when I'm over, he sleeps on the floor next to me.
jefe at July 13, 2016 4:10 PM
Funny title! 9 1/2 weeks has been one of my favorite movie for me.
It has the most raw and intense first eye contacts between two humans. Only a few blessed can experience this feeling in their life time. Without even saying hello, there are fire works exploding in your brain and body all thanks to evolution. That happens right after this conversation between the shopper and Elizabeth.
Chinatown Shopper: [after Elizabeth asks to pack chickens] What...what are you going to do with them? Eat them.
Elizabeth: We are planning for the proper burial.
[laughs]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfCzTSC1f2c
chang at July 14, 2016 7:50 AM
I started with really good intentions, with a dog bed on the floor beside me. I think that lasted one night. Fortunately, my husband is just as much of a softy as I am. We have 2 small dogs with us every night, and when we dog-sit my brother's lab, we add a third. It gets crowded, but we all manage to sleep. Fortunately, we agree on this. I don't know what I'd do if he suddenly said the dogs had to go.
Peggy Y at July 14, 2016 9:18 AM
I know a guy who no longer has sex with his girlfriend--period--because the dogs are ever-present and "get upset." He seems weirdly fine with it.
Insufficient Poison at July 14, 2016 10:44 AM
Two words: crate training. Dogs on the bed for sleeping, no problem, but dogs in the crate for sex. Otherwise, they are too likely to try to participate. :-P
Jeff at July 26, 2016 1:27 AM
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