It's pretty common to bash the men's dating gurus, but they have a lot to offer about the psychology that makes a relationship tick, or crash, as the case may be. Too bad, there's nothing like it for women-- I've found their lessons to be a huge healing resource, especially after one failure that made me feel scarred for life. Understanding WHY her relationships tanked, and being able to predict them, is vastly better than pretending she never met the guys. That understanding is going to be the foundation for her 'hardiness'.

A lot of people seem to have this fear of dying alone. Are they more concerned about the way they die than the way they live? I prefer to spend most of my time alone already - I don't imagine I'll feel much differently during the last five minutes.

Yeah, the "die alone" bit caught my attention too. If having a partner/hostage for the end days is a primary motivation for her to pursue a relationship, small wonder they all end badly. A very selfish ideal IMO. My experience tells me that I've got to give as much (and often more) than what I get to help a relationship succeed. She may want to consider what she is willing to bring to the table before trying again.

Agree, bkmale. Maybe this gal is just happier being alone, but for some reason feels she "shouldn't be." Relationships can be a pain, and then it's another pain when you have to go through a break-up, and if you aren't the needy type, well, maybe this is simply a matter of personal preference and not an indication that something is "wrong" with her.

When people say she is "closed off," so what? Is that a bad thing to be? To whom?

I find that when people say you are "lazy" or "cynical" or "closed off" or that you "lack ambition," it's usually because you are not doing something they want you to do. Someone who wants her to be vulnerable, when she isn't, will say she is closed off. Maybe the appropriate response is, "Blow me."

Maybe the LW is simply happier the way she is, and she should celebrate that, not beat herself up over it.

"Maybe this gal is just happier being alone, but for some reason feels she 'shouldn't be.' "

Your point is taken in general; I'm a bit like that myself. But the LW doesn't seem to be happy about it; otherwise she wouldn't be writing to an advice columnist. It sounds like it's more than just not seeking a lot of social relationships; she's actively rejecting them. And there's definitely a fear driving that. Arranging your entire life around fears sucks.

When you have something that just crushes your spirit, I get that, especially if it's something that keeps happening. I went through an unbroken string of disappointments with women; I've mentioned here previously that at one point I was calling myself The King of Being Stood Up. I went to some classes (at a local Catholic church; I'm not Catholic, but they accept everyone), and the two basic things I learned were:

1. Women are human beings, with everything that that implies, good and bad. And some women are better than others. Separate the wheat from the chaff.
2. I went into relationships expecting a bad outcome, because that was the outcome that I was accustomed to. Not surprisingly, I made choices that usually ensured the outcome that I expected.

It's tough getting "over" someone and it takes time to heal.

Depending on your age/needs you could easily wind up deciding that a permanent relationship is no longer "necessary" for your long-term needs. A group of good friends might suffice.

It does sound like LW has decided that her identity is incomplete w/o a significant other so in that case her fear is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. Again, some good friends would be a big help.

I wish them well on this journey.

Well, sign me up for noticing the "die alone," as well. I don't see that as a terrible thing. In fact, it's what we're all going to do. Someone can hold your hand on your deathbed, but he's not going with you. That is a journey you will ultimately take by yourself.

Another thing I noticed and somewhat resent is when you talked about "a desire to engage with people and life (rather than detach and isolate yourself)."

When did isolation get such a bad rep? It's what your boyfriend does, Amy. It's what I do.

I like my space. I think isolation is great. I'm very productive, and am turning out some useful things.

I can engage with people when I go to the gym, if I want to. Or not.

Yeah, I don't want to die alone either, but after 49 years on this planet full of people doing shitty things to each other (and sometimes to me), dying alone is looking more and more like the way to go.

@"and if you aren't the needy type, well, maybe this is simply a matter of personal preference"

I think the so-called 'needy type' is a myth ... everyone needs a certain amount of affection, interaction etc. Someone who isn't "needy" is simply someone who is (by and large, for the most part) actually getting those needs met already (e.g. be it through family or friends, or through their pets, or Church, or a combination of the above). Whether someone is "needy" is a consequence of their situation, it's not a "type".

I recall reading an advice letter from a woman complaining her boyfriends tended to be 'needy'. Yet, and with no self-awareness, she described how she largely ignored them - paid them little attention, gave them no affection etc. Basically, she was getting all her emotional needs met (because the boyfriends gave her attention and affection), but she wasn't reciprocating this. Yet in her mind, they were 'needy'. No, they were just being neglected. She couldn't connect the dots. You have to be loving and giving in a relationship; everyone requires a certain minimum level of care. I've been in relationships where the women were loving and affectionate and I wasn't 'needy' at all. I've been in a relationship where the woman basically ignored me and by the end of it I had become this 'needy' person ... it's the situation, not a personality type. People who don't 'need' their primary partner tend to be people who simply have a greater broader support network (partly through luck - e.g. a more supportive family they're born into - and partly the social situations they create). I'm guessing this is easier for women because men are naturally more caring of women than vice versa, as men are the more caring gender.

Lobster, everyone might need a certain amount of affection and interaction, but not everyone needs the SAME amount of affection and interaction.

"Needy" is anyone who keeps asking you to do something you don't want to do. "Lazy" is anyone who won't do what you think they should be doing.

At the end of the day it's all about finding people who don't annoy you.

1. www.youtube.com/watch?v=64PWxzW5vZU

2. www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLcIAJsaF3o