Thinking Outside The Boobs
I'm a man who likes to girl-watch. I do this from behind very dark glasses, yet I still elicit scowls from women. Recently, I was at a help desk, and I availed myself of the view down the receptionist's top. She quickly covered up with a scarf. I'm puzzled, because there's no way she could've seen my eyes. What's going on here?
--Sunglasses
We all appreciate a nice view, but your eyes might be lingering a bit long in the wrong places if you hear stuff like "Sir...are you ready for my areolas to take your order?"
Hiding your boob recon behind pitch-dark shades doesn't help matters -- but not because we have some magical ability to know when someone is staring at us. Sure, people will swear that they can tell -- even if the starer is behind them or is behind dark glasses. However, unless they grew up someplace else -- like on Planet 34 -- they have no organ that would detect this. (Here on Earth, "eyes in the back of your head" is just a figure of speech -- save for any rare genetic accidents.)
Why might we think we know when we're being watched -- even by someone we can't see? Well, we may -- subconsciously -- be picking up on subtle reactions of people around us who can see the watcher. Neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux explains that our amygdala -- part of our brain's threat detection circuitry -- reacts beneath conscious awareness, messaging our body to get ready to run or rumble (that "fight or flight" thing). Among our body's responses, our little hairs stand on end. That's a creepy feeling -- leading us to whirl around to see what gives -- and whoa!...there's some dude angling to cavity-search us with his eyeballs.
We have a term for that "hairs standing on end" feeling, and it's "being creeped out" -- which is what women are experiencing when they can't see what your eyes are up to behind those dark glasses. Evolutionary social psychologist Frank McAndrew published the first study on the nature of "creepiness." He explains that the feeling that something is "creepy" is a self-protective response to "ambiguity" -- our being unsure of whether we're facing a threat. We err on the side of assuming that we are -- and in rushes the palace guard to barricade the cleavage with a scarf.
This woman you stared at was at the "help" desk, and no, that isn't short for "Help yourself to a nice long look down my boobage." Close-range staring at a captive audience like that is particularly creepy -- as in, it's rude. Again, the sunglasses don't change that; they make it worse. If you're going to girl-watch, do it in wide-open spaces, like on the street or in a mall, so you don't make women feel like sitting ducks in pushup bras. You might also take off those spy glasses and engage with one of these ladies. If you get something going with a woman, gazing admiringly at her will seem like a form of flattery -- as opposed to a sign that your mom reset the Net Nanny to block all those "filthy" webcam sites.
At the risk of sounding like a creeper, I would advise this guy to stop turning his face toward the women he's looking at. His head should appear to be looking in another direction while peering through the sides of his hidden eyes.
Fayd at November 1, 2016 5:28 PM
What's going on here is that we know people like you use shades to gawk at women "secretly." And while you might think you're being subtle, obviously you're not.
What's going on is that you're being a creepy fucker, and it's time to stop. If you need to leer unabashedly at women somewhere other than the internet, go to a strip club.
The Original Kit at November 1, 2016 8:26 PM
Or it could be that the women simply see you looking at them out of the corners of their eyes. A person's field of vision is actually quite wide. Many is the time when I've looked at a woman from what seems a safe vantage, only to have her turn around and look right at me. Believe me, they know. They almost always know.
mpetrie98 at November 1, 2016 8:43 PM
This guy is such a creep, he writes to ask advice on how to be a creep!!
Jan at November 1, 2016 10:59 PM
Hmm. You are wearing dark glasses, but you can probably sneeze right down her cleavage. How DID she know?
Seinfeld has the rule of cleavage. You glimpse, you peek, you glance quickly. You don't stare at it like a moron staring down the sun.
Two related points: If you are going to be a creeper, you are going to ruin it for the rest of us who DON'T creep out the women but DO enjoy the view. So lighten up Francis! Let the ladies feel safe in their displays.
Speaking of displays...ladies...this pious hyperventilating is unbecoming. Any girl above 16 knows if she lets the Girls out to breath and enjoy the sunshine, she is taking a chance for Ray Ban Dan here to play Kink Leer.
So like a guy who walks around with a 12 inch lime green Mohawk telling me 'what are you looking at', a woman with her neckline down around her navel asking me the same question well, the answer is the same: I'm looking at you!
If you put on a display, you are highly disingenuous to be aghast that you get spectators provided they behave decorously (no, this guy probably isn't).
FIDO at November 1, 2016 11:54 PM
Man, it's almost like women are like, you know, actual people and not just complete idiots, who don't notice when you creepily stare at their boobs. Who knew.
Jesper at November 2, 2016 12:14 AM
Just tell 'em "I appreciate your efforts to attract other ladies with the make-up, tight skirts, and open cleavage. I really do."
Bob in Texas at November 2, 2016 6:04 AM
"What's going on here is that we know people like you use shades to gawk at women 'secretly.'"
Yeah, LW is not nearly as subtle as he thinks he is. Dark glasses indoors = dead giveaway. And I'm sure his other body language made it painfully obvious that he was staring.
Let me tell you the secret of girl watching, from someone who has had a lot of practice at it. You have to learn the art of the glance. You glance, there's a nice view, you appreciate it for just a moment, and then you move on. Do not let your eyes linger. It's rude and everyone will know what you are doing. Women who dress to be attractive do like to be appreciated (well, most of them), but it has to be subtle. What I used to do at the beach: Bring a book. Read for a few minutes. Look up and glance around. Ponder the ocean for a minute, glance around again, and then return to the book. Repeat every few minutes. And don't just look at the girls. Check out what people are doing in general, including the guys.
Staring, in general, is rude. Few women will object to a glance, because doing so comes across as princess-y.
Cousin Dave at November 2, 2016 7:10 AM
Women say they like dominant confident men. So I bet there just like in martial arts there's something called "intent".
A loser who believe he's a loser "looks" at a lady in a certain way. This "look" deserves contempt because it is not appreciative just a visual "rape" of an object.
A confident man (pretty sure Bill C. is one as others w/power or wealth) "looks" at a woman in an entirely different manner. This "look" is one of appreciation, perhaps anticipation, and perhaps "frisky" and flirty.
Two different worlds. Men can and do choose which one they are. It makes a difference.
Bob in Texas at November 2, 2016 9:00 AM
LW needs to stare at the boobs and then say "Nice shoes", just to confuse his "prey". Best tshirt I ever saw on a nicely endowed woman had the phrase "My eyes are up higher" printed across the chest. I saw that, looked at her and we both started laughing.
mer at November 2, 2016 10:23 AM
You are being too obvious. Stop. You're being rude and invasive.
NicoleK at November 2, 2016 12:26 PM
Dear FIDO: Your faith in humanity is admirable, but in fact creepy guys don't just creep on those slutty little tarts who dare to wear a boat-neck in the summer and expose their sexy, sexy clavicles. Those bitches obviously deserve what they get.
But really, creepers gonna creep no matter what. I bet ladies in burkas get comments like "hey mama, nice eye slit." I was once followed down the street by a carful of guys hooting, hollering, and asking "how much, baby?" on my way back from the store in a long baggy wool coat, sweats, Ugg boots, my least flattering glasses, and a very cranky expression. Carrying a gallon of milk. I have no idea what kind of janky-ass prostitute they thought I was.
I'm also pretty sure that if all women of the world took your advice and left the house only in Mao-style pyjamas or voluminous mumuus to avoid your being icky to them, that wouldn't make you happy either. I already cover up in long, shapeless dresses and baggy coats when going to meet friends at a club, and only change, in the bathroom, when I'm sure I won't be made miserable by guys trying to ruin my night by leering, grabbing, etc. Do you really want to make it even worse?
Anathema at November 2, 2016 2:00 PM
Sunglasses: there is an entire genre called "pornography" marketed specifically to people like you. Please avail yourself of it and leave women in real life alone.
zapf at November 2, 2016 2:56 PM
"I do this from behind very dark glasses, yet I still elicit scowls from women."
Dude. It's you, not sunglasses. A guy who knows how to behave can look at whatever mere moments after arriving at the scene, and he doesn't have to be godlike to do so.
Radwaste at November 2, 2016 4:17 PM
How does he see the mirrors on his shoes with shades on?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at November 3, 2016 8:55 AM
Anathema,
Might I suggest that the guys harassing you were using something called 'irony'?
Creepers gonna creep. You can't cure a cunt, nor is it my responsibility to fix them though I can yell at them for being ruining it for the rest of us who have some self control
FIDO at November 3, 2016 10:50 AM
If memory serves, and it was a long time ago, i made a lot of progress, so to speak, through my herculean efforts to talk to the eyes. I wasn't perfect, but nobody ever objected, changed posture, covered up.
Still, a good many outfits on women, especially in warmer weather, say, in effect, you can see this but not that, even though the that is optically available with some effort.
So do men need to validate by obviously seeing the this while not creeping by avoiding the that?
A professor mentioned, at the beginning of the current campus craziness, that a student came into her office and said, "I've just suffered a mini-rape." She was wearing a short skirt and those white nurse-type stockings and some guy said "nice legs". Okay, prepare the stake and those bundles of wood whose name we can't say.
But what if the woman in question had crossed the campus and was convinced nobody'd looked twice?
If memory serves, it's best to have the woman thinking, "I'll show him. What am I, chopped liver?'
But obvious creeping is lame. Get a sex robot or something you can handle.
Richard Aubrey at November 4, 2016 6:58 PM
So, to all you girls who detest being creeped, try this!
When you have a creep staring at your boobs, look him up and down like a side of beef. Make it glaringly obvious. Focus on his package and snicker. Whisper in your friends ear while looking directly at him. Laugh uproariously. Point.
Guarantee he leaves the vicinity in under a minute.
wtf at November 7, 2016 11:41 AM
But under no circumstances may you fail to validate an attractive woman's sexuality.
This is confusing.
Richard Aubrey at November 7, 2016 5:34 PM
Until I finally had breast reduction surgery every guy stared at my chest all. the. time. I HATED it. And it didn't matter what I wore, including huge baggy sweatshirts with food stains. So don't tell ME you're appreciating the view or that she was flaunting them out there for you, because maybe she wasn't. Maybe she was just wearing a top she liked, and she has boobs because, guess what, as a woman she has boobs, not because she wants your leers and "appreciation." You are a creep.
jackie o at November 8, 2016 4:42 PM
IME, talking to the eyes is better than flashing a Platinum MasterCard.
Richard Aubrey at November 11, 2016 8:49 PM
When men "appreciate" a woman like that, there is a loss of blood to the brain. He thinks he's being sly and not-obvious, but clearly, he is wrong.
Perhaps he forgot to speak or respond when she said something. Perhaps there's a bit of drool on his chin. Maybe he has his head in an awkward angle for entirely too long. Or perhaps he was doing too good of an imitation of a statue. People who aren't just "enjoying the view" have something else to do. They check their phone/watch, glance around, ask questions, look at the monitor/brochure that was just pointed out. Probably, he is very, very obvious.
Shannon at November 14, 2016 5:01 PM
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