Splendor In The Gracias
For two years, I've been in the best relationship of my life, after years of really bad ones. I'm thinking that maybe the key to a happy relationship is having two people who think they aren't good enough for each other. Not that we feel that in a pathetic way. We each just feel really grateful and lucky to be with the other person, and it makes a difference in how we treat each other. Thoughts?
--Happy At Last
Sometimes the thing we tell ourselves is love is really "the thing I got into because I was scared I'd die alone -- surrounded by empty single-serving zinfandel bottles -- and get discovered 10 years later, mummified, on my couch."
What seems key this time around -- in how happy you two are -- is the gratitude you feel. Gratitude for your partner comes out of noticing the sweet, thoughtful things they do -- like taking out the trash without needing to be "asked" at gunpoint.
However, what you're grateful for isn't so much the garbage relocation as what it shows -- what social psychologist Kaska Kubacka describes as your partner's "responsiveness to (your) needs." This, in turn, tells you that your happiness is important to them, which tells you that they value you and the relationship. Awww.
Seeing that you're loved and cared for like this motivates you to do sweet, loving things for your partner. Which motivates them...which motivates you... (Think of it as love on the Ping-Pong model.) This helps create and maintain the kind of relationship where, when your partner blurts out "I love you so much!" your inclination is to respond in kind -- instead of turning around to see who the hell they're talking to.
IMO In long term relationships you're generally with the person you think you deserve and you treat them accordingly.
I get LW isn't trying to sound pathetic but I hate the whole "aren't good enough for each other" trope people who have had a history of shitty relationships often prattle on about when they finally stumble into a good relationship.
That to me isn't good advice for other people who have a tendency for shitty relationships. People who have a tendency for shitty relationships rarely feel "good enough" in any relationship period and they are often grateful. Even narcissists feel "lucky" when their partner is a positive superficial reflection of themselves.
Personally my belief is your long term partner is a reflection of what is going on internally and what you personally feel is excusable behavior.
Ppen at March 29, 2017 1:33 AM
I think Heinlein had it about right:
"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
railmeat at March 29, 2017 10:39 AM
I get LW isn't trying to sound pathetic but I hate the whole "aren't good enough for each other" trope people who have had a history of shitty relationships often prattle on about when they finally stumble into a good relationship.
I guess it depends on how you frame it and, as you said, your own mental health/self-esteem.
I agree, an "I am not worthy" attitude isn't healthy. But a "Wow I can't believe I got this lucky to find this awesome person who feels the same way about me, and I need to make sure I never take this person for granted" attitude can be.
Related:
My husband and I say "thank you" a million times a day to each other, and my sister makes fun of us for it. "Thanks for handling those dishes." "Thanks for following up with the bank about that weird charge." "Thanks for taking the garbage out." "Thanks for putting the leftovers in the tupperware." "I noticed you made the bed this morning -- thanks!" Yes, we are adults and SHOULD be doing this stuff automatically and dividing it up relatively equally, but it's nice when all the mundane chores you do are noticed.
sofar at March 29, 2017 1:03 PM
I think sofar nailed it.
We (speaking broadly) are probably pretty bitchy to our SO when we are irritated, tired, hungry, and etc., so being appreciative, loving, touchy, as much as possible says "I'm sorry and I love you.".
That's always needed because of so few that they can hear it from.
AFA LW goes she should find someone that looks at her that way well after "lust" fades and then marry him. (Being non-PC here.)
Bob in Texas at March 29, 2017 4:05 PM
We (speaking broadly) are probably pretty bitchy to our SO when we are irritated, tired, hungry, and etc., so being appreciative, loving, touchy, as much as possible says "I'm sorry and I love you.".
Totally. Long-term relationships are full of deeply unromantic things, and that's natural. It's the couples who find a way to balance that out with affection and appreciation that stay happy.
sofar at March 30, 2017 8:10 AM
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