A Ruse Is A Ruse Is A Ruse
A year ago, the woman who pet-sits for me began inviting herself over for dinner. We started going out about three times a week. I always paid for dinner. She never introduced me to her friends, wouldn't let me pick her up at her apartment, and wouldn't let me touch her. Even a genial "thank you" touch on the arm got a grim response. Her reason: She didn't want a relationship. I kept hoping this would change. Recently, I went on Facebook and saw that she's been in a relationship with another man. Her response? "Well, I'm not sleeping with him, so I can see whomever I want." After a long, demoralizing year, I ended things. Did I do right by getting out?
--Not A Game Player
Having regular dinners with somebody doesn't mean you're dating. I have dinner with my TV several nights a week, but that doesn't mean I should get "Samsung forever!" tattooed on my special place.
Consciously or subconsciously, this woman deceived you into thinking a relationship was possible -- but she had help. Yours. To understand how you got tripped up, let's take a look at self-deception -- through an evolutionary lens. Evolutionary researchers William von Hippel and Robert Trivers describe self-deception as a "failure to tell the self the whole truth" by excluding the parts that go poorly with our goals and our preferred view of ourselves. We do this through "information-processing biases that give priority to welcome over unwelcome information" -- or, in plain English: What we ignore the hell out of can't hurt us.
Seems crazy, huh -- that we would have evolved to have a faulty view of reality? However, von Hippel and Trivers contend that the ability to self-deceive evolved to help us be better at deceiving others -- keeping us from giving off the cues we do when we know we're putting out a big fibby. As Trivers explains in "The Folly of Fools": "We hide reality from our conscious minds the better to hide it from onlookers."
Knowing that we do this can help us remember to ask the right questions -- the ego-gnawing kind -- and drag the facts upstairs to consciousness and give them a long look. Nice as it is to glimpse the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel," it's wise to make sure it isn't just the one on the tip of the colonoscope.
"Invited herself over for dinner"? Seriously? Who does that?
Let's do some math:
3 dinners per week for a year. Probably at places fancier than Chili's, but a notch down from Chez Whitey, is my guess (with a few of those sprinkled in)
Apps. Drinks. Salads. Entree. Dessert (but no dessert, if you follow me):
$80- $100 bucks per dinner date, easily, 10-12 times per month. On the high end, that's $1,200 per month, $14,400 over the course of a year.
Even if they didn't always go out to dinner, 70% of that figure is still $10K. And he's STILL not getting laid?
With $10,000, he could have priced out quite a few willing escorts on Craigslist, scored an 8-ball or two (if he's into that sort of thing), definitely a dozen kegs, rented a couple of party boats for some long evenings, and probably had far more invigorating conversations with people who don't pet-sit for a living.
Jesus, almighty .... is this what "men" of the 21st Century dating world have morphed into? Meal subsidizers for dim-witted twat waffles?
Ian at April 5, 2017 4:55 AM
"Meal subsidizers for dim-witted twat waffles?
Ian at April 5, 2017 4:55 AM
LOL! Only bi-coastal males in big cities are this much a fool. (Who else has the money or the time?)
Robert Darr at April 5, 2017 5:52 AM
"Did I do right by getting out?"
Yes. She was using you for a meal ticket. (See Ian's post above for details.) Next question.
Cousin Dave at April 5, 2017 6:22 AM
Ahhh, yes. The professional dater. And lousy at it to boot.
Looks to me that if she'd thrown LR a bone or two, he'd still be happily supplying her meals. But she gave him NOTHING and he still coughed up. For a year, no less.
Wow.
railmeat at April 5, 2017 8:45 AM
I keep going back to Ian's first point: who just invites themselves over for dinner? I'm really having trouble wrapping my mind around that one.
I'm going to guess this one: she wasn't particularly nice to the wait staff. Demanding or potentially rude to them.
I R A Darth Aggie at April 5, 2017 1:09 PM
LW should read about Intellectual Whores... they're sort of the converse of when a man uses a woman purely for sex and offers her nothing emotional in return. Women use an IW for emotional/intellectual gratification, and give nothing physical in return.
See also "Nice Guy Syndrome".
jefe at April 5, 2017 5:48 PM
Loneliness is a horrible thing.
He is not totally a sap. Someone went out of their way to want to be with him. And if you currently have no one, that is a powerful thing.
At it's base, there is something of a transaction in any relationship and this guy is not wrong in thinking he should have gotten more from this woman than he actually got. Not necessarily sex. Respect. Affection. Loyalty of some kind. But he got nothing apparently. (One wonders how young and cute she was that she was so...privileged in her assumptions)
That being said, her attitude is not of a friend. It is (sorry ladies) that of a cat. As long as she hears the can opener, she is there. But don't you dare pet her when she doesn't want to be petted. Which is 'ever'.
Still a year was a LONG time and our guy wasn't a total sap, just most of one.
If he wants some warm affection which is not transactional, get a dog.
FIDO at April 6, 2017 4:20 AM
"Loneliness is a horrible thing."
It depends.
If the loneliness is a voluntary choice, you will experience ultimate freedom what life has to offer.
You no longer have to wear a mask and truly reveal yourself to you and find out who you are.
Buddha and Jesus all experienced the enlightenment in solitude.
We all die alone.
chang at April 6, 2017 6:14 AM
Dude. Get a new pet sitter
Mary at April 7, 2017 10:57 AM
Fido - the guy already had a dog, hence the pet sitter.
Yes, she probably did some leading him along, but the "fault" here was mostly his. My guess is that she was one or two ranks prettier than the women with whom LW is usually involved.
L. Beau Macaroni at April 8, 2017 1:05 PM
""Loneliness is a horrible thing."
It depends.
If the loneliness is a voluntary choice, you will experience ultimate freedom what life has to offer."
That isn't loneliness, that is solitude. Loneliness is solitude that you feel bad about. If you're satisfied with your solitude, you are not lonely.
Treadwell at April 12, 2017 1:42 PM
"Did I do right by getting out?"
Yes, but you should have gotten out much sooner. Like, after the 2nd or 3rd of these dinners.
Chalk this up as a big unpleasant learning experience. Most of us have to go through something like this, though not usually a whole year.
She got what she wanted, you got nothing. Figure out what you want (e.g. sex and/or relationship), and clarify to the other person in some way that that's what you want, and if it isn't forthcoming, get out ASAP.
Read "No More Mr Nice Guy". And "Get What You Want".
Lobster at April 20, 2017 8:49 AM
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