Insecurity Blanket
I'm extremely insecure about my looks, though objectively, I know I'm pretty. I constantly ask my boyfriend for reassurance. He gives it to me but feels bad that I feel this way. Now I'm worrying that I'm making such a good case for what's wrong with me that he'll start believing me. Possible?
--Bag Over Head
One oft-overlooked beauty secret is to avoid constantly giving a guy the idea that you might actually be ugly.
People will sneer that it's "shallow" to care about how you look, and they're probably right -- if it's all you care about. However, research confirms what most of us recognize about the especially eye-pleasing among us: They get all sorts of benefits -- everything from social perks to job opportunities to discounts when they act like dirtbags (with judges assigning them lesser fines and a lower rate of bail for misdemeanors).
As a woman, being babe-alicious is a pretty vital tool for landing and maintaining a relationship, because the features that men -- across cultures -- evolved to consider beautiful are actually health and fertility indicators. So, for example, full lips and an hourglass bod are basically evolution's bumper sticker: "Your genes passed on here!"
Not surprisingly, psychologist Tracy Vaillaincourt, who researches competition among women, explains that women attack other women "principally on appearance and sexual fidelity" because men prioritize these qualities in their partners. One way women chip away at the competition is by trash-talking another woman's looks to a man -- suggesting he really could do better. That's what you're doing -- but to yourself. It's the relationship version of "Ewww, you're not really gonna eat that, are you?" (And you're the fricasseed crickets.)
Beyond that, constantly begging a romantic partner for reassurance -- while being kind of a black hole for it -- can be toxic to a relationship. Also, the fact that your need for reassurance seems bottomless suggests it's not your exterior but your interior that's in need of work. Get cracking on that, and try to remember that your boyfriend is with you for a reason -- and it probably isn't that your mom and grandma are crouched behind your sofa, holding him at gunpoint.
The more we try to tell a woman she's pretty, the more she dwells on what she thinks isn't. The answer is to quit telling her.
jefe at May 9, 2017 8:50 PM
"Now I'm worrying that I'm making such a good case for what's wrong with me that he'll start believing me. Possible?"
Laughable. Guys have eyes, and trust them over their ears with the question 'Is she beautiful?'
Nothing she says will make him think her more or less pretty.
However, what it will do is prove to him that she is needy or crazy. Neither of which is attractive.
Joe J at May 9, 2017 11:16 PM
I came to realize some years ago that (1) most women have body issues, and (2) as a man, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Compliment her, offer reassurance. After that, it's up to her.
Cousin Dave at May 10, 2017 7:18 AM
"Show me a smoking hot woman in a relationship and I will show you the man who is probably already tired of her shit."
Madam, I do not think you need to worry about your looks. Your looks are your looks and while he may start to take them for granted, I don't think the looks will be the biggest problem at the end of the day.
FIDO at May 10, 2017 9:58 AM
Beyond that, constantly begging a romantic partner for reassurance -- while being kind of a black hole for it -- can be toxic to a relationship.
Yes, this. LW just stop. It won't feel "good" to stop asking for reassurance. It won't fix anything about you right away. But just know that it's unattractive and annoying as hell to your significant other. Fixing self-esteem takes time, but you can fix the "annoying the living hell out of your partner" issue immediately by just stopping.
I had a friend who would ask me constantly if she looked fat. And I'd have to come up with creative ways to dodge the question without her accusing me of lying. I dreaded being around her and eventually realized I didn't HAVE to be around her, and now I'm not. Your boyfriend may start to feel the same way.
sofar at May 10, 2017 10:00 AM
Is she still in High School? That's it? No health problems. No bill problems. No job problems? I suggest counseling. It's needed for her future health when her youth flees for the hills.
Bob in Texas at May 11, 2017 2:30 PM
I am in a similar situation. I have to be happy with myself. I realize that I have low self-esteem issues. If getting in better shape will help with that, that's on me and no one else. I have to realize that my body hasn't changed since I started dating my boyfriend. He was attracted to me when we started dating and he is still attracted to me. I try not to constantly obtain reassurance from him. I realize that insecurity is a turn off. However, you have a right to ask for what you need from your partner. I am learning (after an almost 30 year dysfunctional marriage) that I deserve to get what I need, to trust and to love myself. There is nothing wrong with my boyfriend telling me I look good, I'm sexy. You have to let your significant other know that you are still interested and you have to keep communication going. My boyfriend, the new love in my life, deserves to have a strong, confident partner.
Becky at May 18, 2017 12:54 PM
@"I had a friend who would ask me constantly if she looked fat"
I've heard this question both from women who are a perfectly healthy and attractive weight (in which case it's just low self-esteem), and women who are actually overweight. Instead of asking a man, women should just be honest with themselves ... there are objective ways of measuring that sort of thing ... and if you're genuinely overweight or you're not happy with your weight, lose some weight and get in shape. Maybe the overweight women want reassurance when really they need someone who is honest with them. Most men just don't like it, and that's reality, but most men will be too polite to tell you. But if you're talking about a few pounds overweight, you're fine (I had a really sexy low-self-esteem gf who would constantly stress about being 'fat' when she was like 3 or 4 pounds over ideal weight).
When I met my wife she was slightly overweight and I told her if she wants to be with me she must lose some weight. She did, and she has kept it off to this day.
Lobster at May 29, 2017 4:24 AM
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