Wedding His Appetite
I have this disturbing pattern. I've dated three different guys, each of whom said he didn't want to get married, wasn't ready, whatever. But then, the next girl they met...BAM! Walking down the aisle. Why am I marriage boot camp but never the one the guy marries?
--Aisle Seat
It's depressing when the only place you're ever "registered" is at the DMV.
There's a reason you suspect your experience is a meaningful pattern, and it's the same reason people think they see the Virgin Mary in their toast. Our minds are meaning-making machines. We evolved to be deeply uncomfortable with uncertainty -- probably because an uncertain world is a more dangerous world. Say a man hands you some blue liquid in a glass. You're all, "Hmmm...should I drink that or take it home in case I ever need to dissolve a dead body in the bathtub?"
We figure out what things are by looking for patterns -- ways that the things match up to things we've encountered before. So, regarding that blue liquid, yes, Drano is blue, but it isn't sold in a martini glass and garnished with a tiny paper umbrella. Also, bartenders keep their job by having you pay your tab, not having you carried out in convulsions by a couple of EMS dudes.
Although our mind's tendency to recognize patterns helps us quickly identify threats and opportunities, it often does this too quickly and on too little evidence. Neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga and psychologist Daniel Kahneman each caution that our mind is so intent on having things be concrete that when we're faced with ambiguous or incomplete information, it will invent a tidy explanation to fill in the blanks. Your mind may be doing that now in seeing a meaningful pattern in guys sweeping you off your feet and then, like that annoying shopper who's just reached the register, their going: "Ooops...don't want this one. Gonna run and grab the other one. Sorrreeeeee!"
However, epidemiologist and stats ninja Sander Greenland reminded me that just because we're prone to see a pattern where there is none doesn't mean a particular pattern isn't meaningful (as opposed to occurring randomly -- by coincidence, like if you tossed a coin and got heads three times in a row).
One way you figure out whether something is due to coincidence or is a real effect is by having lots of examples of it. If you'd dated 10 men who'd left you to marry somebody else, it might say something. Might. But three? Greenland points out that in looking at what seems to be a pattern, "we tend to forget the times it didn't happen (like before we started noticing the claimed pattern)." Also, if you believe there's a pattern -- that you're a sort of fruit bin where men go to ripen -- maybe you start acting differently because of it, coloring your results. (Self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing: "Why try? He'll be outta here anyway.")
In short, maybe this is a meaningful pattern or maybe it is not. What you can explore is whether there are patterns in your behavior that could be tripping you up. There are three biggies that research suggests can be relationship killers.
Blatant Boy-Chasing: Men often claim they like it when women ask them out. However, research suggests that this may permanently lower a woman's worth in a man's eyes. Men value women who are hard to get, not those who eagerly pursue them -- sometimes with all the subtlety of a golden retriever chasing a hot dog down a hill.
Being Hard To Be Around: A review of research on personality by psychologist John M. Malouff finds three characteristics that are likely to eat away at a relationship: neuroticism (a psych term for being nervous, chronically distressed, and volatile), a lack of conscientiousness (being disorganized, unreliable, and lacking in self-control), and disagreeableness (being an unpleasant, egotistical, hostile and argumentative mofo).
The Undercooked Man: Behavioral science research supports the evolutionary theory that women -- even today -- prioritize male partners who can "invest" (a preference that men coevolved to expect). For example, marriage researchers Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe find that "men want to be financially 'set' before they marry." Career attainment and stability are likely a major part of this. So, unfortunately, a relationship with a man in transition can end up being a sort of FEMA tent on the road to permanent housing.
Ultimately, instead of deeming yourself death row for "happily ever after," try to choose wisely and be a valuable (rather than costly) partner. That's really your best bet for eventually walking down the aisle -- and not just to hear, "Do you take this woman ... till the last of your nine little lives do you part?"
Yeah, whatever. Like I've wondered here before, this still doesn't explain how three different women over the years decided to dump me right before Christmas.
I realize now that I was probably a rebound for a couple of them, but why Christmas?
jefe at June 27, 2017 8:26 PM
jefe...because Christmas is a time when FAMILIES all get together. These women probably didn't want to go any further with you, so they certainly didn't want to go along with you to any family gatherings should they get invited.
Jane at June 28, 2017 1:54 AM
This letter is kinda the plot of Olivia Goldsmith's "Dumping Billy." Every woman dumped by Billy marries the next man she dates.
Helena Handbasket at June 28, 2017 5:31 AM
I read something recently about how timing and life stages have a lot to do with whether a man is likely to marry. It was on Today.com, and the researcher was John Molloy. Basically it said that for most college-educated men, they are at a stage in life where they are most likely to commit between the ages of 28-33. Chances that a man will marry at all start to decline dramatically after 38. So, if LW is still in her 20s, she might consider dating guys a few years older than her.
Of course, it's entirely possible that there really is something wrong with her. She doesn't mention reasons for the breakups, so who knows?
Ahw at June 28, 2017 8:16 AM
Here's the story I mentioned; it's really interesting. (I started dating my husband when he was 29, and we got married when he was 32, FWIW.)
He also points out that in the middle-aged crowd, a man who has already been married before is a better bet than one who has never been married.
http://www.today.com/health/reason-why-men-marry-some-women-not-others-t74671
ahw at June 28, 2017 8:34 AM
Jefe, maybe you at least pick women nice enough to not let you buy them an Xmas present, or maybe you're Hard to Be Around. Hostile, argumentative, volatile, like you usually are around here
Mary at June 28, 2017 11:50 AM
@ahw
What I loved most about the article is that it specifically calls out red flags that a man will never marry you and doesn't mince words in telling women who WANT to get married to "run" and "move on immediately" if they encounter such red flags.
This is refreshingly opposite to the common (stupid) advice to "give someone a chance, he's a good guy" or "give him more time."
sofar at June 28, 2017 11:59 AM
Speaking of seeing patterns, whenever I've moved to a new city, the local football team wins the next Super Bowl. It happened in 1988 with the Washington Redskins, in 19996 with the Dallas Cowboys and in 1998 with the Denver Broncos. So, my moving to a new area seems to bring a Super Bowl victory to the local team the next year.
T. J. Patriarch at June 28, 2017 12:41 PM
@sofar: I also found it interesting that he says men who see marriage as a bad deal (monetarily) for them, tend to be losers. (Ok, ok, he didn't actually say "losers".) Makes me think of how you rarely see "no trespassing" signs tacked up all over the wall surrounding a mansion, but you sure do see them at the lot lines in trailer parks.
ahw at June 28, 2017 1:06 PM
"Neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga and psychologist Daniel Kahneman each caution that our mind is so intent on having things be concrete that when we're faced with ambiguous or incomplete information, it will invent a tidy explanation to fill in the blanks."
Hence, religion.
"Speaking of seeing patterns, whenever I've moved to a new city, the local football team wins the next Super Bowl."
Cleveland wants you. It wants you bad.
Radwaste at June 28, 2017 4:02 PM
Dots demand to be connected. In fact, new dots can be manufactured out of nothing, in order to allow for connecting the originals.
Here's a conundrum: After backstory, couple married 45 years retires to near enough to their mutual alma mater so they can go do big formal and little casual reunion sorts of things.
Wife sees women greet her hubby with big smiles and big hugs and wanting to talk to him.
Yeah, he's a good guy, and all that, but it seemed excessive after, say, twenty years since the last reunion,or going on half a century.
In common, half a dozen of these women dated or worked with hubby in campus employment or in clubs or activities. They all married shortly after graduating. They all got divorced shortly after that and never remarried.
Wife is wondering if something....something....poison pill....something.
No idea how many women are in the group hubby knew in class, work, clubs, activities, etc. But it would have to be large for six of them to be just random.
But three...not necessarily a pattern, but certainly sufficient to merit introspection. It's not as if the guy in question went on to other relationships. He went on to wed. Odd.
Richard Aubrey at June 28, 2017 7:18 PM
Oddly enough, I've been reading Molloy's book on the topic. Found it at the Goodwill, and I've thought well of his other books.
I knew when I got involved with my husband 27years ago that he wouldn't be ready for commitment quickly: I was 31, he was 24 and fresh out of an engagement gone wrong. But after about 18 months, I said to him, "How long is it going to take you to realize that I'm the best darned thing to ever happen to you." Obviously, he agreed.
Dana at June 28, 2017 9:12 PM
http://www.today.com/health/reason-why-men-marry-some-women-not-others-t74671
I'm not sure awh, the first thing that stood out to me in this article was the woman in charge of this project claimed the results of three hundred and one peoples work was horribly sexist because the one guy involved in that project was the one to give it to her to read
Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in her analytical abilities
lujlp at June 28, 2017 10:23 PM
@T.J.Patriarch, could you move to San Francisco, please?
cp_deb at June 29, 2017 8:55 AM
Another possibility that Amy should think about...
Desperate "cool girl" syndrome, ie, "What? You only want to get blow jobs and you don't want a commitment? Oh yeah, I am TOTALLY cool with that I don't want a commitment either, I am not like those OTHER girls who are way too clingy, I'm totally ok and happy with this relationship as it is".
Do you have it?
NicoleK at June 29, 2017 10:12 AM
whenever I've moved to a new city, the local football team wins the next Super Bowl.
T.J. Patriarch: We have a great standard of living and a great job market in Minneapolis! With global warming, the winters have moderated! Come on over - we'd welcome you with open arms!
Sincerely,
Waiting since 1977
Grey Ghost at June 30, 2017 5:56 AM
Wow! I'm getting offers to move to Cleveland, San Francisco and Minneapolis. It's great having the power to influence the Super Bowl based on where I move to.
T. J. Patriarch at June 30, 2017 6:36 PM
I had something similar happen to me years ago. It was three times in a row where a women I was dating broke up with and started dating someone who they pretty quickly married. In my group of friends this was known as being a "good luck Chuck" and it happened to several of my friends (perhaps not right in a row).
@ahw linked to an interesting article. I think there are good thoughts but I wonder how specifically it it can be taken. From what I can see his ages seem a bit off -- I would guess this to local influenced. There also seem to some missing things. I know a lot of people who got married at 27-28 and all those that I can think had been a couple at 25. And where I lived in my 20s, most people didn't regularly go the singles bar.
For my odd patterns. One year in high school every time I got my hair cut it snowed the next day from Nov-May and I lived in area that didn't get much snow.
The Former Banker at July 4, 2017 9:49 AM
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