Falling In Leave
My relationship ended recently, and I asked my ex not to contact me. But just as I'd start feeling a little less sad, I'd hear from him and fall apart. I've now blocked him on my phone and social media. This seems so immature. Why can't I be more grown up about this?
--Incommunicado
For you, breaking up but staying in contact makes a lot of sense -- about the same sort as trying to drop 20 pounds while working as a frosting taster.
Sure, there's this notion that you "should" be able to be friends with your ex. Some people can be -- eventually or even right away -- especially if they had a relationship that just fizzled out instead of the kind where you need a rowboat to make it to the kitchen through the river of your tears.
However -- not surprisingly -- clinical psychologists David Sbarra and Robert Emery find that "contact with one's former partner ... can stall the emotional adjustment process" by reactivating both love and painful emotions. For example, in their survey of people who'd recently gone through a breakup, "on days when participants reported having telephone or in-person contact with their former partner, they also reported more love and sadness."
It might help you to understand how adjusting to the new "no more him" thing works. In a serious relationship, your partner becomes a sort of emotional support animal -- the one you always turn to for affection, attention, and comforting. This habit of turning toward him gets written into your brain on a neural level, becoming increasingly automatic over time.
Post-breakup, you turn and -- oops -- there's no boo, only a faint dent in his side of the bed. Your job in healing is to get used to this change -- which you don't do by having him keep popping up, messing with your new belief that he's no longer available for emotional need-meeting.
That's why, in a situation like yours, breaking up with your boyfriend should work like breaking up with your couch. When the thing gets dropped off at the city dump, it stays there; you don't come out on your porch the next morning to it saying, "Hey, babe...was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd bring over some of your stuff -- 36 cents, a pen cap, and this hair elastic."
It has a lot to do with one's level of emotional investment. When my last romance dumped me (right before Christmas that year!), I took it badly, thinking she must not have felt very invested. Then I noticed her own behaviour-- she has some very strong feelings for me still. To this day she can't speak to me or even be in my presence. She happened to pull into a gas station as I was leaving, and she wouldn't get out until I was gone. I don't feel so bad now.
jefe at July 25, 2017 8:12 PM
LW, I think you are being "grown up" about this. You have the presence of mind to recognize what you need (no contact from your ex) and the strength to follow through (blocking him).
I'm friendly with one of my exes, but there are also exes I could NEVER be friends with.
I have lots of friends who are still hung up on relationships that ended years ago because they just can't do what needs to be done and cut contact.
sofar at July 26, 2017 8:32 AM
Don't hold yourself to some theoretical standard of relationship perfection. If remaining in contact is hurting you, stop doing that.
Cousin Dave at July 27, 2017 7:09 AM
She's not being immature. He is.
She specifically told her ex not to contact her. A respectful, mature adult would respect a person's desire to be left alone. It doesn't matter if he thinks her reasons are valid. They're her wishes, and he should respect them. Not decide to respect or ignore them based upon whether he thinks she's doing the right thing.
So, since he hasn't done as she asked, and it doesn't appear he's about to, she did absolutely the right thing.
Patrick at July 30, 2017 7:16 PM
She should flip and rotate the mattress 180 degrees. No dent.
Conventional advice to men is to delete contact info, pics, texts and emails - delete everything. (It's a good argument for never memorizing a phone number.) Block on social media, and don't peek.
Sounds like she was the dumpee; usually women who terminate the relationship transition 10x faster than men (who, 72 hours later, just remember the good times). But your column is not about that.
BuenaVista at July 31, 2017 6:18 AM
You are doing the right thing.
He sounds kind of sadistic to me, and your blocking him may help test that theory: if he tries other means to contact you, you will have your proof. This insight into his character should facilitate the healing process.
If he does not, you will be able to get over him quickly.
I think this is referred to as a win/win.
Kate at August 3, 2017 5:40 PM
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