Mute Emergency
I'm a single guy, and I just never know how to start conversations with girls. I have a sense of humor, but I'm bad at coming up with funny lines on the fly. I've thought of using a "line," but if I were a girl, hearing one would just make me annoyed. Do you have any advice on good conversation starters?
--Speechless
There's a reason the line from that chick flick is "You had me at hello" and not "You had me at 'Those jugs yours?'"
Granted, it's better if you can be funny when hitting on girls. Evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller believes "humor production ability" is a "hard-to-fake" sign of intelligence in a potential partner. Research by Miller and others suggests he's right -- finding correlations between humor and "verbal creativity" and intelligence. But note "hard-to-fake." Trying to be funny when you aren't all that funny is about as successful a tactic as trying to remove someone's appendix when you aren't really a doctor.
However, even if you aren't naturally funny, what you can be is genuine. To do this, just say something -- perhaps about something in the environment. Ask about that book she's carrying or whether she's survived the vegan Reuben. Maybe comment on the attire of the two armed men running out of the place with a bag of money. Just saying something is basically like opening a tiny door to see whether anything's behind it. If a woman finds you attractive, she'll pick up and respond -- and probably not by announcing that if you were the last man on earth, she'd develop a sexual attraction to trees.
Does LW have trouble starting conversations with strangers in general? Or just "girls?"
In my experience, the men who are good at talking to women are just good at talking to everyone.
So, if LW has trouble talking to all humans, he should work on talking to all humans. If he has trouble talking to "girls," he should just talk to girls like he talks to all humans.
His instincts are good that "lines" will get him nowhere.
And Amy's advice is solid. Plenty of people aren't funny in high-pressure situations. Being genuine is a lot easier.
sofar at July 19, 2017 12:25 PM
Hard to fake...but some of us make that extra effort.
FIDO at July 19, 2017 1:04 PM
Didn't Amy have a 'go to' anecdote about some nerdy Nobel winner who made it his mission to talk to 10 girls a day?
A large part of this is 'comfort' and 'intimidation'. Women tend to be great fakers...they always seem to have it together to clueless men.
I wasn't fully comfortable speaking to women either...and then I started working with a lot of them in enforced circumstances.
Familiarity bred, not contempt, but well, familiarity. It allowed me to be genuine.
So I would suggest working with a lot of women. Preferably not in a porn movie because there are few opportunities to have conversations deeper than 'Oh baby!"
FIDO at July 19, 2017 1:09 PM
Then there are the unfortunate souls who think they're funny but are decidedly NOT.
Funny people are funny without trying. It's a regular part of interaction for them. If, before speaking to a woman, you're telling yourself "I should be funny now", you probably don't have the knack and should just be your real unfunny self instead.
Treadwell at July 19, 2017 8:10 PM
If LW can convince himself that he's already taken, that he's not in the market, or in some other way that he has nothing at stake in these interactions, his chances go up dramatically. I found myself much more able to interact effectively with women after I got married, at which time it did me no good in the, um, evolutionary sense. :)
Grey Ghost at July 20, 2017 5:26 AM
If you use a line you have to use it tongue-in-cheek as a joke. Back to the humor thing.
NicoleK at July 23, 2017 11:41 AM
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