Man On The Flake
This guy asked me out and suggested we meet up after his dentist appointment. He said he'd call around 2 p.m. Well, at 9:30 p.m., I got a "Hey" text from him and didn't respond. A friend said I shouldn't write him off so fast. Am I being too harsh?
--Dependability Fan
Individual bits of behavior are like cockroaches. You might see just one lonely roach twerking atop the toaster oven, but its presence suggests a whole colony of the buggers...gluing sequins to their exoskeletons and practicing their moonwalk behind the baseboard.
No, you can't always judge someone by a single thing they do, but this guy's one-word text -- seven hours after he said he'd call -- speaks volumes: "Holy moly, wouldya look at the time. It's 9:30, and I could use some sex."
How a person behaves is driven by their personality traits, which social psychologist Brent Roberts describes as habitual patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behavior that are relatively consistent across time and situations. Granted, there are occasions when impulse gets the best of us, and we'll say something like, "That wasn't really me." But, at least in some way, it really was, because even impulsivity is part of personality.
A person can resolve to act more conscientiously, but personality has a strong genetic basis, so they're unlikely to be as motivated to be conscientious as someone whose genes make them feel icky when they aren't. In other words, you were probably wise in nixing this guy, who couldn't even be bothered to fake respect for your feelings by supplementing that "Hey" with "Carjacked!" "Carried off by a raptor!" or "Still high on anesthesia in my blanket fort, having a tea party with G.I. Joe and my dog, Steve."
People are generally on their best behavior when they're first interested in someone. So, either this is his best behavior, or he's not that interested in you. Although he was interested enough to ask you out, so I'm going with the former.
Either way, you were smart to not respond.
sofar at August 9, 2017 7:40 AM
I think it's a good rule that if someone stands you up on the first few dates, you can safely assume that such is their general behavior.
Cousin Dave at August 9, 2017 8:24 AM
Am I being too harsh?
No, common courtesy doesn't sound like an unreasonable expectation for a first date.
A friend said I shouldn't write him off so fast.
Makes me wonder if the friend is one of those "if you really knew him, you'd see beyond his drunken, unemployed, recidivist exterior" types. LW barely knows this chap. How can you possibly bother giving a second chance to someone who mindlessly pissed away his first one?
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at August 9, 2017 12:07 PM
My Mother, who was a very wise woman, always said, "You must start off as you mean to go on". (Obviously this man did.) It is great advice that has certainly enabled me to sort the real men from the also-rans. The best indicator of future behaviour is present behaviour, so Ms Dependability Fan did right.
Via. at August 10, 2017 12:19 PM
I've got to wonder what the friend is thinking. "Hey" is not appropriate after that long (actually, after 20 minutes it's not appropriate). There needs to be a few sentences, including an apology, and an offer to make it up... otherwise, imaging how it goes...
Two years later, he is 5 hours late to their wedding, shows up says "Hey!" and wonders why nobody is there, the bride has mascara marks down her face, and her mother starts walking toward him with the ceremonial cake knife in hand.
Shannon at August 11, 2017 7:45 AM
Leave a comment