Knight Of The Living Dead
When my husband comes home from a stressful day at work, he likes to play shoot-'em-up games on his phone. He says it relaxes him. I'd like to connect and talk before he goes into his mental man cave. Also, when he's into a game, it's annoying even to ask what he wants for dinner. Your advice?
--Gaming Widow
A stressed-out woman wants to talk about her feelings; a stressed-out man wants to gun down 87 slobbering zombies on his phone in hopes that his feelings get bored with him and go away.
It turns out that in dealing with emotional stress, men and women have some different neurochemical overlords.
If men's had a name, it would be The Earl of Overkill, which is to say men tend to react neurochemically to social stress as they would to being chased through the woods by a maniac with a crossbow.
First, there's a surge of epinephrine and norepinephrine, neuromessengers (aka neurotransmitters) that are the bandleaders of the brain's "fight or flight" reaction. These kick off survival-promoting changes in the body, like the heart beating faster, the release of the energy-mobilizing stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, and blood coursing to the arms and legs (all the better to punch or run!).
Meanwhile, systems not needed to fight back or scram -- like digestion and higher reasoning -- get powered down. Yep. That's right. Higher reasoning goes all lights out; nobody's home. So trying to "connect and talk" with a stressed-out man is like trying to have an existential debate with a vacant warehouse.
It's even worse from the man's end. He's gotten chemically and otherwise physiologically mobilized to bolt or do battle. But when there's no crossbow-wielding dude to run from -- just a bunch of social stress -- there's no use for all of these bodily resources that have been mustered up.
Psychologist John Gottman calls the effect from this "flooding," explaining that men feel very physically uncomfortable and get extremely frustrated that their access to the brain's departments of insight and witty bits is blocked. Not surprisingly, what makes them feel better is mentally checking out until these uncomfortable feelings go away -- uh, in lieu of access to a zookeeper's tranq gun to shoot themselves in the thigh.
Unfortunately, the thing that makes men feel better is in direct conflict with what works for women. Psychologist Shelley Taylor finds that women's reaction to emotional stress is mediated by oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that facilitates emotional bonding. This leads to what she calls a "tend and befriend" response: self-soothing through caring for and emotionally engaging with others. In other words, women tend to deal with emotional stress monsters by gabbing them down to size.
But, good news. You can have what you need if you just wait for your husband to have what he needs: time to calm down and reset so his brain's higher reasoning center is no longer in "Hello, my name is Cinderblock!" mode. Decide together how much time that needs to be -- half an hour, maybe? After that, he should put down the flamethrower and "advance to the next level": spoken-word communication, and not just the sort where you ask him, "Is that 'mmmph' to steak or 'mmmph' you just ended World War III and saved the galaxy from Nazi zombies?"
I guess that I am an atypical woman. I have a finely tuned flight or fight response. My husband likes to talk things out but I can't until I have calmed down.
I used to run for a Mike or so when stressed. Those endorphins did me good. Now I tune out by getting on my phone and leaving comments.
Jen at September 19, 2017 9:11 PM
It isn't directly said that she needs to de-stress: she just seems to want to be the priority in his life over actually feeling better.
Perhaps something was left out. But this seems a case for her to get what SHE wants, she needs to take a powder and let him get what HE needs first.
Hopefully she will accept this.
FIDO at September 20, 2017 5:28 AM
Women always want what they can't have...
bkmale at September 20, 2017 6:50 AM
I agree that there's no indication that she is stressed and, if she's not, she should let him have some time...
but there are some hints that maybe this is more than a stupid annoyance. If he's so in tune with his gaming she can't ask what he wants for dinner - then perhaps it's a bit much. It would not be unreasonable to ask him to clue her in before hand (or agree that she gets to pick if he's gaming). Then she won't have to stress over disappointing or whatnot.
Is she being unreasonable to want to talk first? Yes... unless the issue is he never resurfaces once he engages in the zombie death match.
There is, however, loads of room for compromise in all this. It probably just takes some talking about when it's not actually happening.
Shannon at September 20, 2017 9:46 AM
Good Lord I hate this particular stereotype--which was put forth by that religious Mars/Venus hack John Gray decades ago and has since been roundly debunked.
This is an introvert/extrovert thing. No more, no less.
I am an introvert and cannot *stand* being babbled at any time of day. My exes are all extroverts who would pounce on me and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk...just constant noise. Bad enough to have to be "on" at work, but at home? Can I have some peace and quiet? Please?
SophieK at September 20, 2017 10:17 PM
In addition, I have had my DNA run and all my oxytocin receptors, the "empathy" genes, are switched on.
So there goes the theory that women need to talk to feel close and be soothed! I feel most connected to a friend or partner when we are in the same room or house but being *quiet.*
Rare are the people who do not need to fill blessed peace and quiet with random mouth sounds.
SophieK at September 20, 2017 10:22 PM
So if she allows him to de-stress, she has to stay stressed until he's done before she can de-stress. And vice-versa. Try trading off - you know, doing it equally.
And if he can't be bothered by asking what he wants for dinner, make what you want, LW. If he doesn't like it, he can make his own damn dinner.
Grey Ghost at September 21, 2017 7:26 AM
When men are stressed they need to stop whatever de-stressing methods work for them - games, sports, beer, exercise - and focus on what the woman wants until their stupid male feelings just go away.
And take turns, guys! When you're stressed, shut up and take care of the woman. When she's stressed, shut up and take care of the woman!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at September 21, 2017 2:44 PM
I am an introvert and cannot *stand* being babbled at any time of day. My exes are all extroverts who would pounce on me and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk...just constant noise. Bad enough to have to be "on" at work, but at home? Can I have some peace and quiet? Please? -SophieK
I used to wonder if dating a deaf girl would solve this problem.
It did not
lujlp at September 21, 2017 10:16 PM
Good Lord I hate this particular stereotype--which was put forth by that religious Mars/Venus hack John Gray decades ago and has since been roundly debunked.
I love people who like to put themselves out as superior with demeaning little sneers like this. Sophie, perhaps read the research instead of just pulling comments out of your ass.
There's quite a difference between the work of John Gray and John Gottman (whose research partner, sometimes, has been neuroscientist Robert Levenson).
Here's neuroscientist Tor Wager on differences in male/female emotional responses. There are women who are introverts, but in general, women seem to be better at dealing with emotions.
http://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2015/08/emotion-sicknes.html
Amy Alkon at September 23, 2017 7:52 AM
Invest in the Sims. Addictive and relaxing. And if your husband pisses you off you can make a Sims version of him that you can control, or make bad things happen to!
NicoleK at October 28, 2017 12:02 PM
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