Who Will Stop The Wane?
I'm happily married. My wife is beautiful. She used to put a lot of effort into her appearance, but she now wears sweats and T-shirts everywhere and she never wears makeup or does her hair. I felt really bad about this on our recent date night, when she just put her hair in a ponytail and wore a slouchy army jacket. I want her to keep making an effort to put herself together for me. How can I offer her constructive criticism without making her mad?
--Bummed
You come up behind a ragged, disheveled person standing on the corner and put a dollar in the Starbucks cup they're holding -- and then you realize your error: "Oops! Hi, honey!"
I suspect the term "constructive criticism" was coined by someone who went through life without ever encountering another human being. As I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," here in the real world, "criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." That's because our ancient fight-or-flight system is a little one-note -- juicing us to respond to a verbal attack as if it were an attack by some dude running at us with a bloody spear.
So, though it isn't unreasonable to want your wife to make an effort on date night, you should focus on what you do want to see rather than what you don't. For example: "Honey, you're so beautiful, and when it's date night, it would make me so happy if you did your hair and wore a dress. And I'll wear whatever you want." And to get her to make more of an effort day to day: "I love you so much, and I want to be sure we keep the romance alive." Make clear that you aren't expecting her to do the dishes in an evening dress and a tiara. You'd just be thrilled if, from time to time, the thigh-highs could be fishnets instead of, well, hip waders.
Gawd, this is so typical. Back in my military days, there were plenty of (civilian) young women working in administrative jobs. One observed a pattern:
Attractive young woman, well-cared for, dresses nicely, super friendly. Then, suddenly, she's coming to work in sweats, doesn't even bother to brush her hair, starts to gain weight. Yep: She caught some poor sucker, and thinks she doesn't have to try any more.
Which just shows how shallow the women were, and how stupid the men who got suckered into marrying them. And equally explains why many of those marriages didn't last all that long.
a_random_guy at December 7, 2017 4:47 AM
Attractive young woman, well-cared for, dresses nicely, super friendly. Then, suddenly, she's coming to work in sweats, doesn't even bother to brush her hair, starts to gain weight. Yep: She caught some poor sucker, and thinks she doesn't have to try any more.
Or she's being hit on, hard, by a co-worker or superior, and is trying very hard to drive him off. I've seen that happen, too.
Grey Ghost at December 7, 2017 5:57 AM
Bring up old memories of date nights that went well. "Remember the time you wore that black dress and we went to ... and then we ... . I would love to do that again."
Dr. Laura's book, "The proper care and feeding of husbands" had a chapter on what she called the "Frump Syndrome." Very accurate.
Curtis at December 7, 2017 9:19 AM
'tis the season for diamonds and Coach too. Though I know how frustratingly inefficient it can feel to throw good money at hints that go unheeded. Somewhere there is an entire drawer of Victoria's Secret - bought and paid for but never worn.
smurfy at December 7, 2017 11:21 AM
Is LW dressing up on date night? My husband is extremely casual, but if he sees me dressing up for a dinner, he'll usually throw on some nice shoes and blazer.
If LW is dressing up and it's not inspiring his wife to follow suit, maybe propose dressing up to go out as a fun experience. I know some couples who do Dapper Days or dress-up days. That way it becomes less, "Hey you're turning me off by being a slob" and more, "Hey let's do this fun thing together."
sofar at December 8, 2017 10:22 AM
Double date and go to a swank place.
She will actually be on record for her appearance and have high status witnesses.
She obviously doesn't care how YOU see her anymore. She has the ring and the legal hammer if you get out of line. Why SHOULD she?
I would also start dressing up constantly. No hanging around in your jeans. Pennyloafers, nice slacks, buttoned shirts, fresh clothes.
If she still doesn't care how she looks in comparison, you've done all you can.
FIDO at December 10, 2017 5:26 AM
Yes, grey ghost. "A random guy," you have no idea what it's like to be a woman.
Mar at December 11, 2017 12:03 AM
"you have no idea what it's like to be a woman."
And they don't need to be women to understand. We're all judged on our appearance, like it or not.
Twas ever thus.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at December 11, 2017 4:38 PM
I look pretty frumpy most of the time. I am a SAHM to a 4-year-old and a 10-month-old. I spend most of my day covered in bodily fluids and food. I'm not dressing up for that. But I'll still dress up for date night, even if it's just a movie. Maybe asking her to dress up all the time is a bit much, but date nights should be doable.
MonicaP at December 11, 2017 6:11 PM
"Yes, grey ghost. "A random guy," you have no idea what it's like to be a woman."
Bull. And it's amazing that this card would be thrown about public appearances - as if nobody can see.
I can show you this at any military base, which is what a_random_guy was talking about. Just go to the base exchange and count couples, and you WILL see a rule: fit sailor, fat wife.
Not my opinion. Go look. And it was that way 35 years ago, too.
People who relax get sloppy, but that belly's not more attractive just because somebody is being polite about it.
Radwaste at December 12, 2017 5:34 PM
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