Simper Fi
There's always been an attraction between this guy and me. I've been thinking of testing the waters with him romantically, but he recently mentioned that he freaks out when women cry. He says he just has no idea what to do. Well, I'm an emotional person -- generally happy but also a big crier. Are we a bad match, or could I teach him to soothe me?
--Waterworks
Most men are comfortable dealing with any leaky item -- as long as it can be fixed with an adjustable wrench and a Phillips screwdriver.
If there's a decoder ring for human emotion, it's the female brain. Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen finds that men, generally speaking, just aren't as good as women at what's called "theory of mind" -- the ability to "infer what other people might be thinking or intending." He explains that women, from childhood on, tend to be the "empathizers" of the species, driven to identify others' "emotions and thoughts, and to respond with the appropriate emotions" (say, by hugging a teary-eyed person instead of treating them like a statue weeping blood).
In contrast with female "empathizers," Baron-Cohen describes men as the "systematizers" of the species. This is a fancy way of saying they're engineering-focused -- driven, from a young age, to identify how inanimate stuff works and "derive the underlying rules that govern the behavior of a system." However, these are "reliable" rules, like the law of gravity -- "What goes up must come down" -- nothing helpful for fathoming what the girlfriend's got swirling around in her head when she suddenly goes all funeralface.
Typically, women believe "If he loved me, he'd figure it out." Um, no. Not here in realityland. Assume most heterosexual men are sucky at emotional tea leaf reading. When you're in boohooville (or on your way), tell a man what you're feeling and how he could help -- for example, by just listening and rubbing your back. In time, this may help him avoid reacting to the welling of that very first tear by diving behind the couch and yelling, "Incoming! One o'clock! Alpha team, flank left!"
For a view from the other side -
What To Do When A Girl Starts Crying For No Reason:
Here are the rules for dealing with a spontaneously crying woman:
Don’t worry about why she is crying. It doesn’t matter if it was something you did, or if it had nothing to do with you, your reaction should be the same either way.
That reaction is warm, nonverbal reassurance. Don’t say a word. Odds are you will say something to worsen her erratic emotional state.
If you suspect that the cause of her tears is something you did, you should let her express those reasons on her own time. Don’t try and pry the reason from her.
Give her a glass of water or wine while she is crying. If she refuses the drink, don’t loiter questioningly. Simply put her drink down on the counter and go about enjoying your drink.
For the love of god, DON’T PLEAD WITH HER TO COMMUNICATE HER FEELINGS. This goes against everything that every women’s mag and self-help relationship book says, but the truth is that there’s nothing a woman despises more than a mealy-mouthed sensitive beta playing new age psychotherapist.
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/what-to-do-when-a-girl-starts-crying-for-no-reason/
Snoopy at January 17, 2018 4:39 AM
If the guy freaks out about a woman crying, there' a good chance that it's because he's had bad experiences with crying-as-manipulation. There are women around who can turn on the waterworks any time they want their significant other to feel guilty about something. My ex had that ability.
Cousin Dave at January 17, 2018 9:19 AM
"Typically, women believe "If he loved me, he'd figure it out.""
A woman once said to me (and I quote): "If you loved me you'd know what I'm thinking".
So we divorced, but only because I didn't love her enough to learn how to mind read. My fault.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 17, 2018 10:03 AM
Snoopy, that is excellent advice.
LW if you are reading the comments, maybe ask him why he is uncomfortable when women cry? Is it because he doesn't know what to do? Is it because he thinks they do it on purpose?
NicoleK at January 18, 2018 4:23 AM
I read Simon Baron-Cohen as Sasha Baron-Cohen.
NicoleK at January 18, 2018 4:24 AM
I suppose a lot would depend on how many times a day she cries and why. Does she lose it when the toast pops in the morning? When the waiter brings the water to the table at dinner?
Waterwork's boyfriend had the honesty and fortitude to "talk" to his potential new romantic interest about one of her habits that makes him extremely uncomfortable. The advice was he's SOL and should cater to and support the very behavior that he does not like. No word about her trying to control herself. I don't think that's a formula for success.
Perhaps, I'm wrong, but I don't think the way we express ourselves and our emotions is immutable. If they really want it to work, he should try to get over his emotional discomfort (as advised) and she should try not expressing her emotions with mute tears so often.
Joey at January 18, 2018 5:18 PM
"Is it because he thinks they do it on purpose?"
This. Read my comment above. In general, a crying woman makes me want to be far, far away. I trust my wife (who hardly ever cries) and a few other women that I know well, that if they cry, it's some genuinely felt emotion. Anyone else, and I assume it's manipulative until/unless proven otherwise.
Cousin Dave at January 18, 2018 6:20 PM
"Is it because he thinks they do it on purpose?"
Yes, of course it is. The way various emotions are expressed is learned. Live in a different culture and you will be surprised how differently sadness, embarrassment, joy, anger and sadness, for example are expressed.
Crying gets attention and makes others, both men and women, feel uncomfortable and gets attention. The casual crier knows this and uses it.
A cute young girl may be able to get away with tears for no reason for a short time, but picture a mature woman who cries all the time for no reason. No man or woman would tolerate such behavior or want to be around such a person.
Joey at January 18, 2018 8:03 PM
@Amy - the column titles aren't displaying properly. I just noticed the url is "Simper Fi", which is a pretty funny title, but the column is just titled "January 16, 2018".
Snoopy at January 21, 2018 11:15 AM
In Officer Training School, we were taught to "Offer her a Kleenex."
Ken_in_SC (@Ken_in_SC) at February 17, 2018 7:31 PM
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