You Flooze, You Lose
I'm a married lesbian in my 50s. I blew up my happy marriage by having an affair with somebody I didn't love and wasn't even that attracted to. Now my wife, whom I love very much, is divorcing me. Why did I cheat on her? I don't understand my own behavior.
--Lost
There are those special people you meet who end up changing your life -- though ideally not from happily married person to lonely middle-aged divorcee living in a mildewy studio.
There's a widespread assumption that "a happy marriage is insurance against infidelity," explained the late infidelity researcher Shirley Glass. Even she used to assume that. But, her research (and that of subsequent researchers) finds that even happily married people end up cheating -- for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they want better sex or even just different sex. Sometimes they want an ego shine. And sometimes they feel something's missing within them. But soul-searching is emotionally grubby, tedious work, so they first look for that missing something in the nearest hot person's underpants.
It seems inexplicable (and borderline crazy) that you risked everything you care about for somebody you find kind of meh -- until you look at this through the lens of "bounded rationality." And before anybody takes a lighter to hay on a pitchfork they plan to chase me with, I'm simply offering a possible explanation for such baffling behavior; I'm not excusing cheating.
"Bounded rationality" is the late Nobel Prize-winning cognitive scientist Herbert Simon's term for the constraints on our ability to make truly reasoned, rational decisions. These decision-making constraints include having a limited time to make a choice and limited cognitive ability, which keeps us from seeing the whole picture, with its rainbow of repercussions.
We can end up engaging in what psychologists call "framing," a sort of selecta-vision in which we make decisions based on whichever part of the picture happens to be in mental focus at the time. (Of course, we're more likely to focus on how fun it would be to have a little strange than how strange it would be to end up exiled to a motel when the wife finds out.)
For some people, behavior from their spouse that suggests "Ha-ha...crossed my fingers during that vows thing!" is simply a deal breaker. But say your wife still loves you and is mainly leaving because she feels she can't trust you. (A partner who inexplicably cheats is a partner there's no stopping from inexplicably cheating again.)
If you can explain -- though not excuse! -- your thinking (or nonthink) at the time, maybe your wife will agree to try couples therapy, at least for a few months. Bounded rationality aside, I suspect you're unlikely to cheat again, and especially not on what I call "The ER Model" for bad decisions: patients muttering, "This isn't how I thought the night would end" -- just before the doctor extracts the light saber-toting action figure from a place where, no, the sun does not shine but supplemental illumination is generally unnecessary.
You did it because you thought you could get away with it. That's all.
FIDO at January 24, 2018 2:58 PM
Eh, there are four reasons people cheat
1. Their partner cut off sex
2. Their partner cut off emotional intimacy
3. They have a psychological compulsion to have sex, like an addict seeks drugs
4. Because they are an asshole who thinks they can get away with it
Only reason number one justifies seeking sex outside a formerly monogamous relationship, and even then it requires a conversation before hand
lujlp at January 24, 2018 3:08 PM
It occurred to me that probably all the other advice columnists would say something like, "Since time has passed and you are still surprised by your behavior, you should talk to your physician to rule out underlying illness. Changes in behavior can often be the first symptoms of illness."
Shannon at January 24, 2018 8:06 PM
But according to the LW it wasn't a CHANGE in behavior, it was a one off aberration
lujlp at January 24, 2018 8:13 PM
Sounds to me like it might be a case of relationship expectations. Perhaps the LW had experienced all of her previous relationships blowing up, so one that didn't weirded her out. Hence, she did something that made it blow up, thereby meeting her subconscious expectations.
That sounds callous, and I don't mean it to be. My point is that we fall into expecting new relationships to work out like old ones did, because that's what we are accustomed to. If we grew up in a dysfunctional family or a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, then we expect future relationships to be dysfunctional also. When one isn't, we may subconsciously break something so that our expectation is met. In fact, we probably choose partners based on the likelihood that a relationship with that person will be the train wreck that we've come to expect.
Been there.
Cousin Dave at January 25, 2018 6:10 AM
Question: how did your soon-be-ex find out?
I ask because I'm wondering if you confessed your guilt to make yourself feel better at your ex-to-be's expense?
But look on the bright side, you'll soon understand the ol' song that tells us that it is cheaper to keep her.
https://youtu.be/IZ-w_IKGRFM
I R A Darth Aggie at January 25, 2018 10:01 AM
I wonder if this person might feel somehow unworthy and is given to self-sabotage.
Sometimes, self-loathing people are given to unconsciously messing up the good things in their lives.
Patrick at January 25, 2018 12:24 PM
"But, her research (and that of subsequent researchers) finds that even happily married people end up cheating -- for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they want better sex or even just different sex. Sometimes they want an ego shine. And sometimes they feel something's missing within them."
Check the hotel bar. The married slink around, convinced that instant gratification, missing from their marriage, is grounds to leave it to go hunting for sex. Just as they were shown by media how they are expected to behave with respect to the object of their desire, they have been shown their married partner is not to be trusted..
It's on TV. We should be like that, right?
Radwaste at January 25, 2018 5:15 PM
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