Head Over Heals
My boyfriend broke up with me last month. We still talk and text almost every day. We're still connected on social media. We've even had dinner twice. I feel better that he's still in my life, even just as a friend, though we don't work as a couple. Is this healthy, or am I prolonging some sort of grief I'm going to have to feel down the road?
--Clinging
Your approach to a breakup is like having your dog die and then, instead of burying it, having it taxidermied and taking it out for "walks" in a little red wagon.
Note the helpful key word -- "break" -- in breakup. It suggests that when someone tells you "It's over!" the thing you say isn't "Okey-dokey! See you tomorrow for lunch!" As painful as it is to stare into a boyfriend-shaped void in your life, continued contact is the land of false hopes -- fooling you into thinking that nothing's really changed (save for your relationship status on Facebook).
In fact, research by social psychologist David Sbarra finds that contact offline after a breakup amps up feelings of both love and sadness, stalling the healing process. Staying in touch online -- or just snooping on your ex's social media doings -- appears to be even worse. For example, social psychologist Tara Marshall found that "engaging in surveillance of the ex-partner's Facebook page inhibited postbreakup adjustment and growth above and beyond offline contact."
This makes sense -- as your brain needs to be retrained to stop pointing you toward your now-ex-boyfriend whenever you need love, attention, or comforting. Tell your ex you need a real break, and stick to it. Block him on social media. Drawbridge up. No contact of any kind -- no matter how much you long to hear, "Hey, whatcha up to tonight? How 'bout I come over and slow down your healing process?"
I don't know about this one, Amy. Isn't it possible that these two are just so adjusted to the fact that they don't work as lovers, that they can continue to see each other as friends? It doesn't sound like she's agonizing over this at all.
Patrick at February 15, 2018 8:42 PM
Agree with Patrick. I think this is one of those areas where individuals vary greatly, and studies of statistical averages tell you diddley-squat about any one particular person.
Rex Little at February 16, 2018 10:24 AM
She wouldn't have written Amy if it wasn't a problem. It's a problem.
Mary at February 16, 2018 5:57 PM
Yes, it's a problem, but what problem, exactly? Is continued contact with her ex interfering with the healing process in ways she hasn't acknowledged to herself? Or has she read a pop-psychology article which said she ought to avoid him at all costs, and it's made her doubt her own instincts which say the opposite?
Rex Little at February 17, 2018 8:23 AM
Be friends later, when you have really truly moved on. Wait until you've had another relationship. A serious one.
NicoleK at February 24, 2018 9:23 AM
Be friends later, when you have really truly moved on. Wait until you've had another relationship. A serious one.
The problem, Little, is if there's even the tiny voice in the back of her head wanting to get together it will prevent her from forming new relationships and moving on. Also, prospective lovers will be put off by her hanging out with such a recent break-up, limiting her options.
NicoleK at February 24, 2018 9:25 AM
and now for our segment Advice From A Country Music Song
I think it's time to take a heart break, out late
Solo on a Saturday night
Going out without a plus one, I'm done
Falling over pickup lines
I'm single for the summer, I won't rebound
One lover to another, or be tied down
I'm sleeping like a queen in a California king I made (I made, I made)
I think it's time to take a heart break
I think it's time to take a heart break
It's just a little phase, give me a little space
You might see through it, but I'm putting on a poker face
Give a love a rest, between my ex, and my next
tmitsss at March 9, 2018 1:45 PM
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