Mommy Dreariest
I'm a woman in my early 40s, married for 12 years. I gave up my career as a dancer to be a mom. I can afford not to work, as my husband makes great money. However, my kids are now 12 and 13 and don't need me like they did when they were little. I feel as if I don't have any purpose in my life, and it's getting me down. I can't go back to dancing now. What do I do?
--At Loose Ends
Sure, your kids still need you, but mainly to drive them places and then (ideally) be kidnapped by Mexican drug cartel members, only to be miraculously released just when they need a ride home.
In fact, in these modern times, it can feel like much of your job as a mother could be done by a stern-voiced Uber driver. This is a problem. As social psychologist Todd Kashdan explains, "Years of research on the psychology of well-being have demonstrated that often human beings are happiest when they are engaged in" activities that bring meaning to their lives.
As I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," living meaningfully means being bigger than just yourself. It means making a difference -- making the world a better place because you were here. You do that by, for example, easing people's suffering -- and you don't have to be a hospice nurse to do that.
You can do as my wonderfully cranky Venice neighbor @MrsAbbotKinney does as an adult literacy volunteer -- teach people how to read. I always get a little misty-eyed when I see her tweets about taking one of the people she's tutored to apply for their first library card.
Because doing kind acts for others appears to boost general life satisfaction, doing volunteer work should lead you to feel more fulfilled. This is especially important in a world where daily hardships involve things like struggling to remember your new PIN to get milk delivered from the online supermarket -- as opposed to trekking through a snowstorm to the freezing-cold barn so you can get friendly with the down-there on a bitchy cow.
As far as going back to dancing: why not? I don't know what kind of dance the LW did, but there is such a thing as adult ballet. There's also (wait for it) ballroom. I started ballroom dancing at the age of 40, with no previous dance experience.
Cousin Dave at February 21, 2018 6:21 AM
For me, my list of things for which I say "If only I had the time.." gets longer every day. I expect to have a long list of things to do when I'm done working. My advice to LW is to remember all of the times she really wanted to do something but was unable because she was Mommy, and pick one of those. Accept that she might suck at it for a while (even if it is dance), but learn to enjoy doing it poorly!
bkmale at February 21, 2018 6:58 AM
I’d argue that your children need you just as much, but in different ways. Middle school is the time when your kids can really start to be led astray if you’re not paying attention. They might not need your help getting dressed any more, but they certainly need your guidance. It also seems like your afternoons are still pretty damn busy, with all of the ferrying around for extracurriculars. Maybe LW is really just feeling down because they’re not dependent on her any more?
So, LW really just needs to fill her day from drop-off until dismissal. Volunteering, as Amy suggests, is an excellent option. She could also consider any number of enrichment opportunities, including adult dance classes, if she’s in a city where that type of thing is offered. She could study something fun and artsy-fartsy, since she doesn’t need to make money. She could teach preschool dance classes. She could become more active at her childrens’ school.
One of the worst things she could could do is become a bored rich lady that creates drama for everyone around her because she has too much time on her hands.
ahw at February 21, 2018 8:08 AM
Echoing Cousin Dave, the ballroom/social dance community is full of folks 40+ who are “former” ballet, modern and even exotic dancers. LW’s training and dance fundamentals will serve her well (most of us non-former-dancers had to pick up the dancing ability as well as lead/follow technique).
Plus, so many options. She can join a performance troupe, she can compete (locally and abroad). She can learn to teach classes — and do that part-time for money or volunteer her skills at retirement homes and after-school programs. She can even drag her own kids to socials for some
extra family. They may complain but will be grateful when they see how impressive the opposite sex will find their skills in college.
sofar at February 21, 2018 11:10 AM
Maybe she doesn't need to work, but she could get a part-time job and donate the extra money to charities and causes she believes in. Support a local women's shelter, dog rescue, homeless vets--there are a lot of worthwhile things to do in the world.
Peg Y at February 22, 2018 9:42 PM
What keeps women away from exciting hobbies? When a man gets divorced, the usual advice is for him to go back to doing all the cool stuff he was doing before she told him "You can't do that anymore, because we're MAWWIED now." Stuff like riding motorcycles and teaching the young uns how to ride and repair them... stuff like playing in a band, or building model ships and airplanes. Three different women have tried to make me quit playing Civil War on weekends. Nowadays I do volunteer work, too: I help out on a WW-2 cargo ship that is now a history museum.
Most women don't seem to grow up with these outlets-- life for them outside of work and before kids seems to revolve around shopping and socializing. Whoopie.
jefe at February 23, 2018 4:45 PM
Any reason you can't be a dance teacher? Could you go to school to be a dance therapist? Could you do dance for toddlers, dance for old people, dance for fat people, dance for whatever target group is not likely to go professional? Could you do community theatre... lots of musicals are dance heavy and lots of old people in community theatre...
OMG Jefe why would they ask you to quit playing Civil War when they could be prancing about in hoop skirts and twirling parasols with you?! Do you do civil war balls? Civil war balls are the best. Soldier's joy rocks.
NicoleK at February 24, 2018 9:31 AM
The LW could take up Hula Dancing. My sisters in their '70s do it and have done so since they were about 10. Use Amy's link to Amazon and search for the book "Hula Sister" (written by one of my sisters) which will teach you the history and practice of Hula, and presto, you'll be on your way to the South Seas.
Just don't become an Uber driver with a bobble-head hula-dancing girl on your dash or you'll get accused of cultural appropriation by an SJW.
Jay J. Hector at March 2, 2018 4:52 PM
One, your kids still need you. Two, these are the good old days. I just had an old friend contact me; we are in our late fifties now and she has some serious back problems that have suddenly jumped into her life. She just about broke my heart when she talked about us in years not so long past, when we were just doing this and that and still raising our kids, and said, "I never stopped to think about how wonderful those years were while they were happening."
RigelDog at March 4, 2018 2:31 PM
Actually, you don't want to be an UberCab driver at all. Check out transportation economist Hubert Horan's analysis to see why that's basically being a criminal who works for free.
Luke at April 2, 2018 1:21 AM
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