Crime Of Compassion
I'm a 33-year-old guy on the dating scene, looking for a relationship. I'm pretty picky, so most of my dating isn't going past the three-week mark. My problem is that it seems mean to call a woman and tell her why I'm not interested, but it also seems mean to just ghost -- disappear on her without telling her why. What's a good and kind way to end things?
--Nice Dude
It's disappointing when a prospective relationship isn't working, but it's much worse when it just disappears. Can you imagine coming home one day and your stove is just...gone?
"Ghosting" somebody you've been dating -- vanishing forever, sans explanation -- cues what psychologists call the "Zeigarnik effect," which describes the mind's habit of annoying us (over and over and over) to get "closure" when we have unfinished business.
Some people "ghost" because they have all the conscience of a deer tick; others believe (or tell themselves) that it's kinder than laying out exactly why they're done. But consider that when moving on, you only need to communicate one essential thing: There will be no more of you in their future.
Should a woman press you for further info, stick to vague explanations -- "spark just wasn't there" -- instead of going into detail about, say, how her breath reminds you of a decomposing gerbil. Also to be avoided are explanations that give a woman hope that your vamoosage is temporary -- for example, telling her you have to end it with her because you still aren't over your ex. That can lead to a closure of sorts -- of the zipper on the tent she's pitched on the grassy area in the middle of your cul-de-sac. (Stalker? Um, she prefers "watchful urban camper.")
Everything Amy said...and don't be super-duper cuddly-wuddly apologetic about it just to spare yourself feelings of guilt. You can be kind, but the message must be clear on all channels. Your words, tone, and demeanor should match.
("I'm sooo sorry Elainnifer, but this isn't working out for me...I soooo wish it were, but...would a goodbye hug help?" is a lousy way to end it.)
If your words say IT'S OVER but your actions say THERE'S HOPE, STAY, you're just gas lighting her.
Wallawalla Wanda at April 6, 2018 8:42 AM
Should a woman press you for further info, stick to vague explanations -- "spark just wasn't there" -- instead of going into detail about, say, how her breath reminds you of a decomposing gerbil.
Yeah, the ol' "spark just wasn't there" -- and its kissin' (or kissin' off) cousin, "I just don't feel any chemistry" -- are classic lines. A woman I really fell for a number of years ago used the "no chemistry" one with me and, in addition to that, she did something I find very annoying (and haven't done with a woman when I've broken up with her): she sent an email to me where she went on and on about all my good qualities.
If you don't find someone attractive -- or, as in the example Amy used, you find something about them downright disgusting -- there's no point in telling them that. It's unnecessarily hurtful. I may have done this once or twice in my past, but I honestly don't recall ever telling a woman that I didn't find her attractive when I told her I didn't want to continue seeing her.
JD at April 7, 2018 1:28 PM
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