Remaining Chased
I have a history of terrible relationships that end in awful heartbreak. The advice I keep getting is to date down -- get together with a man who is less attractive than I am and who likes me a little more than I like him. I was kind of into the idea of equality on all levels, but maybe I'm wrong.
--Rethinking Woman
After you've had your heart broken, it's tempting to opt for romantic safety measures. For example, a garden gnome could be an ideal partner -- because few women will fight you for your 18-inch "Man of Resin" and because his stubby little legs are molded together, making it impossible for him to run away.
There's a name for this "dating down" thing you're contemplating: "the principle of least interest." This is sociologist Willard Waller's term -- from his observations of dating dynamics between college students -- describing how whichever partner is the least emotionally attached is in a position to "exploit" the other.
Now, you aren't looking to clean out a guy's bank account or make him scrub the baseboards with Barbie's toothbrush. Regardless, you're likely to have more power in any relationship -- and be less likely to be the exploitee -- if your response to a guy's "I love you SO much!" involves polite gratitude or pointing skyward: "Look! A UFO!"
The problem is, how do you engineer this sort of situation? Only "swiping right" on men you have the lukewarmies for? Only accepting dates from men you don't entirely respect? Of course, even an "I'm just not that into you" strategy like this isn't foolproof, because what anthropologists call "mate value" can shift -- like when the mouth-breathing nerdy loser becomes the mouth-breathing but unexpectedly sexy startup multigazillionaire.
Tempting as it is to look for hacks to avoid heartbreak, it's probably more helpful to look at whether there was anything you could've -- and should've -- done differently in your past relationships. (Were there red flags you spotted and then dropped off at Goodwill with the weird tablecloth from your aunt?)
Beyond any willful blindness on your part, the reality is, relationships sometimes end in heartbreak. It's just the price of getting together with a man you love and lust after -- as opposed to one you approached with "You know, I've always kinda pitied you and found you borderline sexually repellant. Whaddya say we get a beer?"
If you can’t find the red flags/patterns yourself, LW, ask a trusted, honest friend if they notice any patterns in the people who have broken your heart. Or if they’ve noticed anything YOU do in relationships that seems unhealthy.
Tell them to give it to you straight.
sofar at April 18, 2018 11:36 AM
Amy you need to start getting pics of these people who find attractiveness such a burden that we might judge their claims for ourselves.
What sofar said - look for patterns, or make a friend honest enough to tell you the truth rather than being an everlasting cheerleader
lujlp at April 18, 2018 9:15 PM
Also, don't do that to someone. If you aren't really attracted to them, don't get into a relationship with them, because then you'll be the jerk later breaking their heart.
I think it's unfair to get entangled with someone and let them believe that they are your cup of tea just to find out later that you settled. Do you want to be settled for?
(I know, there are always things you have to 'just accept' about someone because no one is perfect, but this is a bit too much.)
Great little poem from Dorothy Parker:
Once, when I was young and true,
Someone left me sad;
Broke my brittle heart in two,
And that was very bad.
Love is for unlucky folk,
Love is but a curse;
Once there was a heart I broke,
And that, I think, is worse.
Peg Y at April 19, 2018 11:40 AM
Yeah, as much as I would agree that your friends alert you to any unhealthy dating behaviors on your part, I question trusting the judgement of friends who think the solution to your heartbreak problems is...just to date someone less attractive?
Better, reevaluate your priorities in what you look for in a fellow.
What matters most to you? His face? His car? His wallet? His bulge? Don't get me wrong, those things are nice, but a guy can score A+ on all those things and still be an utter turd.
The two of you should treat each other well.
Maybe instead of looking for a Boyfriend, perhaps consider looking for a friend (who happens to be male) and maybe friendship can develop into something more.
Anonymous at April 20, 2018 2:59 PM
If you have guy friends I would ask them. My experience is that women read women better and men read men better. I got into a relationship with a woman that had Borderline Personality Disorder. It was a nightmare. Years later I met a really attractive gal that used to work with one of my sisters at a different job. She would strike up a conversation with me every time I had to visit her new place of work. I was on the verge of asking her out as she seemed friendly, was very attractive and seemed interested. I decided to call my sister and ask her what she thought of me asking her out. She said "Absolutely not!" She went on to describe similar behavior of the nightmare Borderline Personality Disorder gal. She saved me from a huge problem!
Dave M. at April 24, 2018 2:29 PM
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