I hate to be trite, but my wife and I are experiencing "lesbian bed death." We've been happily married for three years. I'm not sure why we're not having sex. Sure, we're both busy, but it's more a question of just not ever feeling the urge. I know sex is important for a relationship, and I'm worried. Is there a way to reboot our sex life?

--Bedfriends

It's understandably depressing if the only time there's heavy breathing in the bedroom is when you're re-enacting WrestleMania XXV -- that is, trying to get the duvet cover on.

This doesn't mean you should buy into the lesbo-bashing notion of "lesbian bed death" -- the myth that lesbian relationships, in particular, are where sex goes to die. The term traces back to a finding from social psychologist Phillip Blumstein and sociologist Pepper Schwartz, published in their 1983 book, "American Couples: Money, Work, Sex." Blumstein and Schwartz, reviewing results from their survey of 12,000 American couples, announced that lesbians in relationships "have sex less frequently by far than any other type of couple."

This single survey led to decades of sneering about lesbian relationships as the province of hot hand-holding. However, psychologist Suzanne Iasenza notes that a bunch of subsequent studies found that lesbians tend to be more sexually assertive and sexually satisfied than straight ladies -- as well as less orgasm-challenged. (Helps when you know your way around the ladyparts without needing a two-hour lecture and a female anatomy PowerPoint.)

The reality is, so-called lesbian bed death actually happens to heterosexual women -- once they get into relationships. In other words, the real issue is not being a lesbian but being a woman in a long-term partnership -- and the assumption that male sexual response, driven by spontaneously occurring lust, should be considered the norm for women.

Sex researcher Rosemary Basson, M.D., finds that when a relationship is brand-new or when women are apart from their partners for days or weeks, they're likely to experience the "spontaneous sexual hunger" that men tend to have. However, once a relationship has been going for a while, women's sexual desire becomes "responsive." It isn't gone. It's "triggerable" -- which is to say it's hibernating until somebody wakes it up with a little makey-outey.

This, however, brings us to another problem. Chances are, a reason that straight couples might have more sex is that men -- driven by that spontaneous lust -- are more likely to initiate. You and your wife need to initiate -- and maybe even schedule sex dates so initiating doesn't become yet another thing that falls off your to-do list. Eventually, when you light a bunch of candles to set the mood, your wife's response should be something a little more erotic than "You gotta be kidding me. Another squirrel fried on the power line?"

I'm addicted to my phone -- Twitter, Instagram, news, texts...you name it. My girlfriend feels disrespected and unheard when I look at it while she's talking, but I can't seem to stop. Please help me out before I lose the woman I love!

--Addicted

If your smartphone were actually smart, it would ping you to listen to your girlfriend before she's your ex-girlfriend trash-talking you in a bar.

Instead, smartphones and apps turn us into lab rats ferociously hitting the touch screen for another hit of techno-crack. They do this through what psychologists call "intermittent reinforcement" -- "rewards" that come randomly and unpredictably. Checking your phone sometimes "rewards" you with a new message or newsbit -- sometimes (or even often), but not always. When "rewards" come regularly and reliably -- like when a rat pushes a bar and gets a food pellet every time -- the rat chills out and only presses when, say, his stomach rings the dinner bell. Unpredictable rewards, on the other hand -- only sometimes getting a hit -- drive the little rats to pump the bar incessantly, sometimes even till the little fellers go claws up.

However, there is hope for you -- and your relationship -- thanks to research on habit formation (by psychologist Phillippa Lally, among others). Repeatedly behaving differently when your girlfriend's talking to you -- by turning your phone totally off and, if possible, relocating it to another room -- can change your default behavior (from robotically checking your phone to attentiveness to those important to you).

In time, you might expand your attentiveness into other areas of your life. A good test for whether it's okay to be all up in your phone is swapping in its low-tech counterpart. For example, when the highway patrolman strides over and taps on your car window, is that really the best time to pick up that Stephen King novel and read the end of Chapter 4?

I'm a 45-year-old single guy seeking a long-term relationship. My problem is that when I'm interacting with a woman I'm attracted to, my ability to read whether she's interested in me goes out the window. I suspect I've missed out on some great women because I couldn't read their signals quickly enough.

--Disappointed

Where you go wrong is in taking the hesitant approach to asking a woman out -- waiting for her to give you some unambiguous indication of interest (ideally, in large red letters on a lighted billboard pulled by a pair of rented elephants).

That said, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. The psychological operating system now driving you (and all of us) evolved to solve ancestral mating and survival problems, and what was adaptive back then can be maladaptive today.

Take how we evolved to be deeply concerned about safeguarding our reputation. Reputation is essentially our social report card -- others' evaluation of the sort of person we are. It matters today, of course, but not in the life-or-death way it often did in an ancestral environment, where -- per anthropologist Irven DeVore's estimate -- many people were with the same band of about 25 others for much of their life. Back then, if a guy got snubbed by a girl, it would be front-cave news; everybody would know and be laughing behind his back in short order.

Flash-forward to today. You're in a bar. Some woman you hit on spurns you. Well, that blows -- and more so if there are witnesses. But there are countless other bars -- which means you can erase the embarrassing stain on your social rap sheet simply by trotting down the block to the next happy hour.

Ultimately, recognizing the mismatch between our evolved emotions and modern life helps you understand when the emotions driving you are counterproductively outdated -- and basically stupid. In short, assuming that a woman you're chatting up isn't giving you a hate glare, ask her out. If she isn't interested, she'll let you know -- either right then, with some brushoff like "Actually, I have a boyfriend..." or later, when you phone her and hear: "Home Depot, lumber department. How may I direct your call?"

I just accompanied my best friend on this extremely stressful trip to put her mom into assisted living. My friend vapes, and I started vaping, too, after being off nicotine for years. I bought a vape, but I'm hiding it from my wife because she's so judgmental about it. I'm not ready to stop yet, but I feel awful hiding it.

--Hooked

What's worse than the crime? The cover-up -- when your wife asks "How was your day, honey?" and you just nod as vape smoke leaks out of your nostrils.

Your hiding your vaping is an "instrumental lie." This kind of deceit, explains deception researcher Bella DePaulo, is a self-serving lie used as an "instrument" to unfairly influence other people's behavior -- allowing the liar to get what they want, do what they want, or avoid punishment.

Chances are, the "punishment" you're avoiding is the rotten feelings you'd have in the wake of your wife's dismay that your old BFF, nicotine, is back. However, DePaulo's research on people duped by those close to them suggests that covering up the truth is ultimately more costly -- leading to far more and far longer-lasting feelbad.

It makes sense that the betrayal is the bigger deal because it socks the duped person right in the ego, telling them they were a sucker for being so trusting. In romantic situations, a duped person's notion of the relationship as a safe space -- a place where they can let their guard down -- gets shaken or shattered when reality turns out to be "reality" in a fake nose and glasses.

Telling the truth, on the other hand -- leaving your wife feeling disappointed, but not deceived -- sets the stage for a discussion instead of a prosecution. This allows your wife the emotional space to see the real you -- the you who broke down and started vaping while doing this emotionally grueling very kind deed. (What?! You aren't made of titanium?!) Compassion from your wife should mean more leeway for you to set the behavioral agenda -- to tell her that you want to stop but ask that she let you do it on your own timetable.

This isn't to say you should always be perfectly or immediately honest. For example, if you prefer your wife with longer hair, that's something she needs to know -- eventually. But at that moment when she walks in with an "edgy" new haircut, "Helloo, beautiful!" is actually the best policy -- as opposed to the more honest "Whoa! Stevie Wonder attack you with a pair of garden shears?"

I'm a man in my 60s. Looking back on my romantic life, I was always the guy women spent time with when their husband or boyfriend wasn't paying attention to them or while they waited for the right guy (status, power, money) to show up. I'm good-looking, but I realize from reading you that I never had enough "mate value," never mastering the essence of Cialdini's "scarcity principle." I'm a retired teacher. For 20-some years, I taught kids who had severe behavioral problems. While parents, grandparents, and school personnel appreciated what I did, it didn't hold much long-term interest for women. My wife left me for someone with much higher "mate value." I keep thinking that all of this could have been avoided if I had only chosen a profession with high-end "mate value."

--Alone

You were never going to be the guy for those women who pictured themselves spending lazy summer afternoons in Martha's Vineyard (as opposed to Martha's Laundromat).

However, your having a middlin'-bucks job instead of a megabucks one probably wasn't the root of your mate retention issues. It turns out that there's more to mate value than money and a "high-end" job. In fact, evolutionary psychologist David Buss did a massive cross-cultural survey looking at what men and women want in a partner, and kindness topped the list for each. (Yes, kindness -- which was pretty much your job description.) Intelligence was another list-topper.

What wasn't on the lists at all? A partner who is a pushover -- always available, never any pesky boundaries. Accordingly, you mention psychologist Robert Cialdini, whose "scarcity principle" I've referenced. Basically, we value -- and want -- what is out of reach and seems hard to get, not what seems hard to get rid of.

That "hard" truth might seem like reason for you to keep looking back with despair. However, within it is actually a message of hope -- an action plan. The reality is, you're in a better position than ever to land and keep a woman.

As I often explain, there are sex differences in what men and women prioritize in a partner, with men valuing looks far more than women do. (Youth and beauty are evolution's version of a billboard advertising health and fertility.) This means that women's mate value is higher when they're, say, in their early 20s. And that's why 22-year-old guys find 22-year-old women seriously hot -- as do the grandpas of those 22-year-old dudes.

Meanwhile, a 22-year-old guy is essentially gum under the tire of a 32-year-old guy's Mercedes. Because women prioritize status and resources in a male partner, men's mate value tends to increase as they get older and more accomplished. Cruelly, women's mate value declines with age. On a more positive note, what also tends to go is the notion some younger women have that massive character flaws can be outweighed by a massive mansion. Women with a thing for bad boys may likewise come to see the excitement in a man who pays the bills the boring way -- through online banking instead of online identity theft.

In short, there are plenty of women who'd want a guy like you -- providing you mend your ways. Going back to that "scarcity principle," what needs to become scarce is your willingness to be a convenient option instead of a priority. Though this has been your default state -- for decades -- it doesn't have to remain that way. As I explain in my new "science-help" book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence," "your feelings are not the boss of you. It's not what you feel; it's what you do."

In fact, by repeatedly acting assertively, you'll actually rewire your brain. This isn't to say the old rollover kitty behaviors go away. Unfortunately, there's no giant neural eraser that comes around once a week like the trash guys the city sends to your neighborhood. What happens is that you transform your default behavior -- how you behave when you react automatically -- to acting like a man instead of like the male friend who braids women's hair while they're waiting for the guy they are having sex with.

As for the practical steps to becoming the new bold you: Figure out what seems fair and right, and then say "no" to everything outside that box. (Generosity is good. Generosity that knows no bounds is a ladyboner killer.) Assert yourself even when you're scared to do it. Sure, you'll feel uncomfortable, especially the first few times. However, you should slowly begin to do better with the ladies -- and maybe even find love, despite it being clear that the only fur you'd ever get a woman would come with the rest of the hamster or the cat.

I'm a 57-year-old lesbian, and I'm only attracted to much younger women (very early 20s). We're obviously in very different places in our lives, and these "relationships" don't last very long. I also get a lot of grief from my friends. I can't change whom I'm attracted to, but I would like a long-term relationship.

--Seeking

Your previous girlfriend probably remembers prom like it was yesterday -- because, for her, it kinda was.

Making matters worse, millennials and post-millennials (generally speaking) are the most overprotected, overparented generations ever -- to the point where university administrators probably have stern talks with at least a few parents: "Your son is a freshman in college. You can't be sneaking into the dining hall to cut his food for him."

Sure, there are probably some precociously mature 20-somethings out there. However, it usually takes a chunk of life experience -- and relationship experience -- for a person to grow into who they are and figure out what they want in a partner. So, as a 57-year-old woman, you're probably as well-paired with the average 22-year-old as you are with the average head of lettuce or desk lamp.

But say -- one day while you're cruising the aisles at Forever 21 -- you find the 20-something lady Socrates. There's still a problem, and it's the way society sneers at a big age gap between partners. The thumbs-downing comes both from a couple's "own social networks" and from "society at large," finds social psychologist Justin Lehmiller. However, "perceived marginalization by one's social network" appears to be most damaging -- "significantly" predicting breakups.

Granted, it's possible that you have some rigid age cutoff in the regions of your brain that do the "hot or not?" calculations. If that's the case, simply finding a woman who's young-looking is a no-go. (When she starts to get those little laugh lines around the eyes, will you put her out on the curb with that aging TV from the guest room?)

But ask yourself whether you simply prefer the springier chickens and are actually just afraid of the emotional risks (as well as the emotional adulthood) required in being with somebody closer to your age. That's something you can work to correct. Ultimately, if you want a relationship, the answer to your "Hey, babe...where have you been all my life?" shouldn't be "Um...waiting for my parents to meet so I could do the fun stuff fetuses do, like kickboxing in the womb and giving my mom gestational diabetes."

I'm a 36-year-old single woman. I've noticed that the more I like a guy the more nervous I get and the louder, more irreverent, and more inappropriate I become. I'm actually a really sweet girl. How can I stop doing this?

--Unintentionally Brash

Your cocktail party conversation shouldn't translate to "I mean, come on...do I really seem like a danger to myself and society?!"

To calm down so you can talk like a person instead of a scary person, it helps to understand -- as I explain in my new "science-help" book, "Unf*ckology" -- that "emotions aren't just thinky things." They have a basis in the body. For example, in the case of fear, your heart pounds, you breathe faster, and adrenaline surges -- whether what you're afraid of is physical death or just, say, dying onstage while giving a talk -- as you watch 43 people simultaneously yawn and pull out their phone.

The human brain is a marvel, but we can take advantage of how it's also about as easily tricked as my dog. Take that bodily reaction of fear -- pounding heart and all -- which also happens to be the bodily reaction of being excited. Research by Harvard Business School's Alison Wood Brooks finds that you can "reappraise" your fear as excitement -- by repeatedly saying aloud to yourself, "I am excited" (to talk with some guy, for example) -- and actually shift yourself from a "'threat' mind-set" to an "'opportunity' mind-set."

Also, assuming the current weather isn't "nuclear holocaust with a chance of rain," some dude you're flirting with probably isn't the last man on the continent. Keeping that in mind, reframe your interaction as a mere opportunity for something to happen with him -- and an opportunity to figure out whether it's a good idea.

You do that not by selling yourself like it's 4:56 p.m. on Sunday at a yard sale but by asking him about himself. Counterintuitively, you'll probably be at your most attractive by leaving a man guessing about you -- as opposed to leaping to conclusions, like that you were the little girl who beheaded all the other little girls' Barbies.

My parents said they'd give my fiance and me money for a wedding or for a down payment on a home. They aren't wealthy, so my fiance and I would have to fund about half of the wedding, or possibly more. He doesn't care about a big wedding, and I agree that it would be fantastic to have money to put toward a home. Still, my friends are getting married and having these beautiful, lavish weddings, and I worry that I'd regret not having one, too.

--Bridechilla

Let's think this through. First, there's "We blew our friends away with the wedding of the century!!!" And then: "But, strangely, none of them showed up to our housewarming in our new tent beneath the overpass."

To understand your longing to get married in, say, the suburban Taj Mahal, with Beyonce as entertainment, it helps to understand that we are imperfectly rational. Our emotions are our first responders, and those still driving us today are often a mismatch with our modern world. They evolved to solve mating and survival problems in ancestral times. Back then, humans were probably around the same small band of 25 or 50 people all the time. This was a harsh world, entirely lacking in 7-Elevens and online listings of couches to surf.

This meant that reputation and status mattered -- in a life-or-death way. Take the drive for female status competition that's gnawing at you. It has a long history in both human and nonhuman primates (monkeys, gorillas, etc.). Primatologist and anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy explains, "Access to resources -- the key to successful gestation and lactation -- and the ability to protect one's family from members of one's own species are so nearly correlated with status that female status has become very nearly an end in itself."

Well, guess what: In our modern world, you have access to resources -- at the grocery store you drive to in your climate-controlled comfortable car. If there's a problem with lactation, you hit a number on your phone, and some nice nurse at your obstetrician's office gets right on it. And -- because you are not, say, a chimp -- if you need to protect your family from members of your own species, you dial 911.

Understanding how starkly mismatched our evolved emotions can be with our modern lives may put your longing to join the wed-spend olympiad into perspective. Ironically, you and your fiance might do more to signal that you're high-status through a sort of reverse conspicuous consumption -- for example, loudly and proudly throwing a backyard wedding with a barbecue lunch buffet...scooped onto the finest 250-count disposable Chinet $14.99 can buy. (Yes, you two are so comfortable with your place in the social world that you can throw an aggressively unlavish wedding.)

Your guests will cry just the same as you say "I do" in a dress you picked up for $9 at Goodwill. Best of all, after your frugally fabulous nuptials, you can go straight off on your honeymoon -- the two of you rather than the three of you: you, your husband, and the credit counselor.

I'm a single woman struggling with maintaining boundaries. I find myself going along in the moment with things men do or want -- saying "sure, that's cool" even when it's not. I'm pretty assertive in other areas, so it's confusing that I'd be such a wimp with men.

--Yes Woman

Guys love a woman who says yes -- until they're done doing whatever she said yes to.

It isn't surprising that you're inconsistently assertive. There's this myth of the self as a single, stable entity -- like one of those Easter Island statues (but with lip gloss and an iPhone). However, evolutionary psychologist Lee A. Kirkpatrick and his colleagues find that our self-evaluations (and the behavior that follows) evolved to be "domain-specific" -- different in different areas of our lives.

"Situational variables" matter -- like the value to us of a potential relationship. So you might march around like some warrior princess of the work world yet want a boyfriend so badly that you show guys you're dating that there's no amount of backward that's too far for you to bend over.

The good news is, your emotions are not your factory foreman. You will not be fired and end up sleeping on cardboard in a doorway if you refuse to obey them. Reflect on possible boundary-challenging scenarios and preplan what you'll say -- and then just say it. State your limits, despite any inner squeals of protest from your fears (those jerks). Expect this to feel scary and uncomfortable, but do it anyway. In time, you should see that it's self-respect, not compliance, that earns you respect from others -- leading them to want you for more than...um...temporary erection relief.