A Brief History Of Tame
I'm a 45-year-old single guy seeking a long-term relationship. My problem is that when I'm interacting with a woman I'm attracted to, my ability to read whether she's interested in me goes out the window. I suspect I've missed out on some great women because I couldn't read their signals quickly enough.
--Disappointed
Where you go wrong is in taking the hesitant approach to asking a woman out -- waiting for her to give you some unambiguous indication of interest (ideally, in large red letters on a lighted billboard pulled by a pair of rented elephants).
That said, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. The psychological operating system now driving you (and all of us) evolved to solve ancestral mating and survival problems, and what was adaptive back then can be maladaptive today.
Take how we evolved to be deeply concerned about safeguarding our reputation. Reputation is essentially our social report card -- others' evaluation of the sort of person we are. It matters today, of course, but not in the life-or-death way it often did in an ancestral environment, where -- per anthropologist Irven DeVore's estimate -- many people were with the same band of about 25 others for much of their life. Back then, if a guy got snubbed by a girl, it would be front-cave news; everybody would know and be laughing behind his back in short order.
Flash-forward to today. You're in a bar. Some woman you hit on spurns you. Well, that blows -- and more so if there are witnesses. But there are countless other bars -- which means you can erase the embarrassing stain on your social rap sheet simply by trotting down the block to the next happy hour.
Ultimately, recognizing the mismatch between our evolved emotions and modern life helps you understand when the emotions driving you are counterproductively outdated -- and basically stupid. In short, assuming that a woman you're chatting up isn't giving you a hate glare, ask her out. If she isn't interested, she'll let you know -- either right then, with some brushoff like "Actually, I have a boyfriend..." or later, when you phone her and hear: "Home Depot, lumber department. How may I direct your call?"
There's a whole world outside bars, where you don't "hit on" women. It's work, class, activities, clubs, field projects. Go long enough in this field, presuming they're sufficiently co-ed, and women will hit on you, presuming you're reasonably personable and confident in whatever it is you're doing.
You can make the approach if you wish, but it's usually not considered sporting to act as if the soup kitchen is a dating service. So let some time go by.
Problem is telling the difference between a pleasantry and an IOI. I figured--much too late--that women, especially attractive women, have to keep their interpersonal effervescence under control lest they be seen as saying the field is clear, come aboard, when they really meant that was a good move on the....midfielder/generator/trespasser/schedule/comment. So if she seems pretty lively about it, she's likely expecting you to figure she's out of her caution envelope. For a reason.
Richard Aubrey at May 22, 2018 5:32 PM
This is good advice. As a short, thin, balding young man, I made a point of asking out anyone I thought was pretty.
Even on a short time-table, something as simple as "Hey, I noticed you across the room and I'd be kicking myself if I didn't take a chance and ask you out" works way more often than you'd expect.
Honestly. Women are bored. A lot of them will go out with you at least once just on the off-chance that they might not hang out eating cereal on a Saturday night.
Some jerk at May 23, 2018 6:48 AM
Remember one thing. What makes a person sexy in another's eyes is what's between their ears! If you're reasonably intelligent and have a good sense of humor, I'm sure a LOT of women would take you up on an offer to go out!
Jan at May 23, 2018 8:52 AM
> What makes a person sexy in another's eyes is what's between
> their ears
That's why the most popular porn videos are where bookwormy chicks are having intelligent and fun discussions.
Snoopy at May 24, 2018 3:42 AM
The easy beginning is if you're in an interesting conversation, ask if she wants to continue it over coffee. This gives you an "out" to save face, as coffee is casual enough that friends can do it. She might even say, "Yes I'll ask if my boy friend wants to join us", in which case you know you've struck out but hey, maybe you've met a friend and maybe SHE has single friends.
If nothing like that happens and you have a good rapport over coffee, ask her out to dinner.
NicoleK at May 25, 2018 10:27 PM
As we see from Morgan Freeman and other of the MeToo targets, there is some life changing/career ruining results still.
Joe J at May 26, 2018 7:16 AM
Jan; What makes a person sexy in another's eyes is what's between their ears!
That's certainly can be part of sexy, but not all of it. In my opinion, the less physically attractive a woman is, the less likely she is to care how physically attractive a guy is (not because she doesn't find hot guys attractive, but because she realizes they're out of her league.)
Women who are attractive or very attractive are not going to only care about a guy's intellect and/or sense of humor. If they're going to get naked with a guy, they're going to want him to be physically attractive.
One way in which attractive women and attractive men differ, of course, is that attractive women are more willing to "trade down" on male attractiveness if the guy is wealthy.
JD at May 28, 2018 9:42 AM
I suspect I've missed out on some great women because I couldn't read their signals quickly enough.
Or you couldn't read their signals because their signals were intentionally ambiguous.
Intentionally ambiguous signals allow women to save face. If a woman gives very clear signals to a guy, and he shows he's not interested, she knows that she's been rejected. If she gives ambiguous signals, and a guy responds positively, great, she's been accepted. But if he doesn't respond positively, then she can tell herself that she wasn't actually rejected. He was just bad at reading her signals.
JD at May 28, 2018 9:53 AM
A Brief History Of Tame
Another wonderful title. The wordplay & references in your titles always makes me laugh.
JD at May 28, 2018 10:02 AM
> I suspect I've missed out on some great women
> because I couldn't read their signals quickly
> enough.
> Or you couldn't read their signals because their
> signals were intentionally ambiguous.
> Intentionally ambiguous signals allow women to
> save face. If a woman gives very clear signals
> to a guy, and he shows he's not interested, she
> knows that she's been rejected. If she gives
> ambiguous signals, and a guy responds
> positively, great, she's been accepted. But if
> he doesn't respond positively, then she can tell
> herself that she wasn't actually rejected. He
> was just bad at reading her signals.
A woman who wants to fuck you will find a way to fuck you
Snoopy at May 29, 2018 12:09 PM
@Snoopy: You have seen Tristan Taormino's Crash Pad series, right? Oh my god, so many hot nerdy types of ever gender combo doing filthy and depraved things. Srsly, check them out with your favorite glasses-wearing freakazoid.
I mean that's not even getting into the whole thing where there's a tiny, tiny chance that the people one chooses to bang in real life, let alone date, are fractionally different than those one might watch in porn. Just don't tell my boyfriends, the 12 sweaty tattooed Russian guys.
Anathema at May 31, 2018 5:58 PM
Snoopy: A woman who wants to fuck you will find a way to fuck you
Better stated as: A woman who wants to fuck a guy will very likely find some guy to fuck.
A woman who wants to fuck a particular guy will not necessarily find a way to fuck him.
JD at June 2, 2018 7:58 AM
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