Satin Worshipper
My parents said they'd give my fiance and me money for a wedding or for a down payment on a home. They aren't wealthy, so my fiance and I would have to fund about half of the wedding, or possibly more. He doesn't care about a big wedding, and I agree that it would be fantastic to have money to put toward a home. Still, my friends are getting married and having these beautiful, lavish weddings, and I worry that I'd regret not having one, too.
--Bridechilla
Let's think this through. First, there's "We blew our friends away with the wedding of the century!!!" And then: "But, strangely, none of them showed up to our housewarming in our new tent beneath the overpass."
To understand your longing to get married in, say, the suburban Taj Mahal, with Beyonce as entertainment, it helps to understand that we are imperfectly rational. Our emotions are our first responders, and those still driving us today are often a mismatch with our modern world. They evolved to solve mating and survival problems in ancestral times. Back then, humans were probably around the same small band of 25 or 50 people all the time. This was a harsh world, entirely lacking in 7-Elevens and online listings of couches to surf.
This meant that reputation and status mattered -- in a life-or-death way. Take the drive for female status competition that's gnawing at you. It has a long history in both human and nonhuman primates (monkeys, gorillas, etc.). Primatologist and anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy explains, "Access to resources -- the key to successful gestation and lactation -- and the ability to protect one's family from members of one's own species are so nearly correlated with status that female status has become very nearly an end in itself."
Well, guess what: In our modern world, you have access to resources -- at the grocery store you drive to in your climate-controlled comfortable car. If there's a problem with lactation, you hit a number on your phone, and some nice nurse at your obstetrician's office gets right on it. And -- because you are not, say, a chimp -- if you need to protect your family from members of your own species, you dial 911.
Understanding how starkly mismatched our evolved emotions can be with our modern lives may put your longing to join the wed-spend olympiad into perspective. Ironically, you and your fiance might do more to signal that you're high-status through a sort of reverse conspicuous consumption -- for example, loudly and proudly throwing a backyard wedding with a barbecue lunch buffet...scooped onto the finest 250-count disposable Chinet $14.99 can buy. (Yes, you two are so comfortable with your place in the social world that you can throw an aggressively unlavish wedding.)
Your guests will cry just the same as you say "I do" in a dress you picked up for $9 at Goodwill. Best of all, after your frugally fabulous nuptials, you can go straight off on your honeymoon -- the two of you rather than the three of you: you, your husband, and the credit counselor.
If you really think that down the road you will regret not having an expensive Wedding Circus, Bridezilla, break your engagement immediately. Let your fiance, a man who has his priorities straight (woman is important, Wedding Circus is not), find a partner who is an adult and deserves him.
Thirty years ago, my fiance and I popped into City Hall in the morning with our two closest friends and got married. We had invited friends and relatives to our house for buffet dinner (made by me). No regrets about not spending an enormous amount of money (which we could have easily afforded). Not then, not now.
I think women want a big fancy wedding because that is the one day in their lives they feel beautiful. Bridezilla, if your fiance's love does not make you feel beautiful every day, you are marrying the wrong man.
Elizabeth at May 2, 2018 7:32 AM
I think you can still have a big (as in lots of people) wedding and cut back on costs. Make it a tea rather than a dinner, and then you only have to have cake and maybe some cookies and a few salty appetizer type things.
Or a cookout, you can generally feed a bunch of people fairly cheap on those.
Lots of Churches and towns have halls you can rent that aren't too costly, and if you set up a few tables with said appetizers and cake you don't have to rent tons of tables and linens like you would for a sit-down affair.
I'm all for lavish parties for those who can afford them, but not everyone can, so make it simpler and invite everyone you want and work from there.
NicoleK at May 2, 2018 7:45 AM
Elizabeth, I think people want big weddings because their parents want them and they have to serve as a combination of family reunion, business networking event for the parents, and fun with friends.
NicoleK at May 2, 2018 7:45 AM
What nikoleK said. Big doesn’t have to be “fancy.”
My husband and I are from religious/cultural communities where weddings are a community affair (the idea being that the community raised you, so they should be there). We had a guest list of just under 400 at the local reception. It was fun and loud and awesome, and feeding that many people ain’t cheap. But it was still a fraction of the cost of friends’ smaller weddings because we booked a veterans event hall, and had a local restaurant cater Indian food. My in-laws’ family friends are lounge singers and they played all night. Even so, if it put us in a bad financial position, we’d have skipped it.
LW ask yourself what you’re worried about “missing.” If you really want your community there, there are ways to make that happen without spending a fortune. If you want fancy things you can’t afford, maybe sit down and have a good think about your priorities in general.
sofar at May 2, 2018 8:06 AM
Oh and if your parents want certain things, they should pay for them. My in-laws wanted certain alcohol and my MIL was dead set on big centerpieces like they have back in the motherland. My mother wanted certain stuff too, so I said fine, buy it. It was their money, they spent it and it made them happy to have that stuff. And, for me, the wedding should make the parents happy, too. Don’t pay for things you don’t actually want. Make those who want that stuff pay for it.
sofar at May 2, 2018 8:17 AM
I was married over 20 years ago in the courthouse with only his brother and our best friend present. Our "reception" was held at a local Mexican restaurant where everyone purchased their own food and drinks and we had a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake. Everyone had a blast, no one was out a ton of money and planning was as easy as pie. Sure I missed out on a few of the traditions like having my dad walk me down the aisle, but I wouldn't change a thing. On our 25th anniversary we are planning a renewal ceremony/BBQ/Potluck to be held in my Gram's backyard with a Jump suited Elvis impersonator as the officiant :). My sister had a moderately big wedding (100 people) but I am just too practical to spend that much money on a party and a dress that I will wear once. I'm grateful that my husband was on the same page.
perkygoth at May 2, 2018 9:28 AM
Bridezilla, if your fiance's love does not make you feel beautiful every day, you are marrying the wrong man.
And odds are not becuase they is anything wrong with him
lujlp at May 3, 2018 12:40 AM
My wife and I spent a total of $4,000 on our wedding. We held it in my mom's back yard. We wore our Sunday best and didn't waste any money on outfits that we'd only wear once.
Every guest commented that it was the most beautiful and memorable wedding they attended. It's the emotional spirit of the thing that matters, not the frippery.
And the money we saved went for the down payment on a nice house, one that we've enjoyed living in for years.
tarran at May 3, 2018 8:52 AM
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