I'm a married lesbian. Yesterday on the phone, my wife invited her sister to spend the night (in our small one-bedroom apartment) without asking me. When I confronted her, saying it's OUR home, she said, "It's my sister!" Family's very important to her, and her sister didn't come, so I let it go. But what's the protocol with guests, specifically family?

--Feelings Ignored

To err is human -- as is the tendency to duck personal responsibility like it's a shoulder-fired missile.

We have a powerful drive to be consistent -- to have our actions match what we claim to stand for. We are also frequently inconsistent. Welcome to "cognitive dissonance," social psychologist Leon Festinger's term for the discomfort we feel when we hold two competing beliefs or attitudes or when our beliefs and our behaviors clash. An example of this (totally random!) would be the belief "I'm a loving, respectful, considerate spouse" and then the behavior "I just hauled off and told my sister our home is her hotel room -- without so much as a courtesy 'Hey, hon...?' to my wife."

Social psychologist Elliot Aronson, one of Festinger's former students, found that we manage our inconsistencies through "self-justification." This involves creating an explanation for our hypocritical attitudes or behavior that makes us look good: smart, honest, and 100% in the right.

So (again, super randomly!) an example of self-justification would be a spouse who's just acted like a singleton instead of a partner -- who excuses it with "Family is everything to me!" instead of conceding "Whoopsy...got a little impulsive on the phone and forgot to run Sis's visit by you." (Just a guess, but you probably wouldn't have been all "Sorry, but the couch is totally booked up with our unfolded laundry.")

As for your question -- "What's the protocol with guests, specifically family?" -- unfortunately, there's no set of numbered stone tablets to answer that. In fact, as with so many questions that come up in relationships, the process of answering -- not the actual answer -- is what really matters.

I see this constantly in my work as a volunteer mediator (doing free dispute resolution for Los Angeles residents in the LA City Attorney's office). Conflicts that turn ugly and escalate are typically the result of people pushing for "positions" without regard for "interests."

Positions are our goals -- the "what," as in what we want another person to do (or stop doing). So, your position might be "I want to be asked, even just as a formality, before you tell somebody they can stay over." Interests are the underlying motivations -- the "why": "I want to be treated with respect, like my feelings matter."

In my mediations, I've found that positions that are deeply important to a person can become far less do-or-die when you tend to their underlying interests. This starts with framing whatever happened in, uh, flame-retardant rather than inflammatory terms. You do this by expressing your feelings -- "I felt really humiliated when X happened'' -- instead of making accusations: "You did this, you relationship criminal!"

Hearing feelings (instead of blame) allows you to empathize with each other. (HINT: You should actively try to empathize -- and, in mediator lingo, "validate" feelings," meaning let the other person know that you get where they're coming from.) For example, in addressing this guest issue, you might've said to your wife, "I hear how important family is to you." Hearing that you understand eliminates the need for her to try to MAKE you -- meaning she can approach the conflict between you more like a loving partner than a "Thrones" swordsmistress, bent on turning the enemy into a human doily.

The beauty of dialing down from combat mode like this is that it enables you to engage in collaborative problem-solving -- for example, brainstorming together to come up with ideas for how things could work regarding overnight guests at your place.

And finally, a little real-worldism in approaching any disagreement: In the heat of the moment, most of us are about as able to speak calmly and listen with an open mind as we are to flap our wings and fly to the corner store. Following the lead of parents with tantrummy children, you could preplan to say "Hey, let's take a time out" when things get heated.

You could each briefly go off on your own (take a walk around the block, take a bath) and consider whether the other might maybe, POSSIBLY have a point. In this case, for example, you two are sharing a home, not running a hotel -- which is why you have a cat, not a concierge, and there's no engraved note informing guests that they will be socked with a credit card charge if they make off with your ratty bathrobe.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm so tired of these supposed magician multitaskers on their cellphones. The guy I'm dating and some of my friends don't seem to get how disrespectful it feels when they play around on their phone or text while I'm talking to them. Am I crazy to want eye contact and attention when I'm talking?

--Irritated

This smartphone multitasking thing probably goes further than anyone knows - like, I'm picturing a parishioner in the confessional and the priest in the adjoining booth on his phone, shopping for a new cassock: "Next-day delivery. Sweet!" Parishioner: "Um, father...did you hear me say I murdered three people and still have them in my trunk out back?"

Somebody came up with an annoyingly cute name -- phubbing (a mash of "phone" and "snubbing") -- for when someone ignores you in a social setting by being all up in their phone. Not surprisingly, research by social psychologist Varoth Chotpitayasunondh finds that phubbing comes off as a form of social ostracism -- allowing the snub-ee to experience that fun feeling some of us had in third grade when other kids diagnosed us with cooties and sentenced us to eat alone for the rest of elementary school.

Chotpitayasunondh's research suggests that being phubbed by friends and acquaintances threatens our fundamental need for "belongingness." Other research on phubbing's effects in romantic partnerships finds (again, not surprisingly!) that it erodes intimacy and makes for less-satisfying relationships and diminished personal well-being. Regarding phubbers' skewed priorities, the title of a study by communications prof James A. Roberts says it all: "My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone."

The important thing to remember is that you have a choice in how you are treated -- whether you'll put up with having, oh, 46% of someone's attention. Your power in pushing for respectful treatment comes out of what I call the "walk away principle": how willing you are, when somebody refuses to give you the level of respect you want, to just say, "Well, I'll miss you!"

Figure out what sort of phone behavior works for you (for example, phone totally off and away when they're with you or, say, facedown on the table in case the babysitter or liver transplant team calls). Explain the issue by appealing to their empathy -- "it hurts my feelings when..." -- rather than attacking them. You might also feel less slighted if you remind yourself of the addictive pull of these electronic binkies. Frankly, we're lucky cellphones are a very recent invention. "Washington Falling Into the Delaware," anyone? Or maybe a little Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or...wait a minute! I think somebody just liked my Instagram post!"

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I've been in recovery from drugs for six years, and I had to set a boundary with an old friend who's abusing drugs again and lying to me and using me. I kept trying to help him, but all the lying and scamming was just too much. I finally blocked him on my phone -- as I knew I had to. So why do I feel so bad about it?

--Been There

A guy will insist he's clean, tell you he's finally just "high on life"-- a state which...hmmm...doesn't usually involve shouting matches with the curtains.

Your feelbad about saying no to any further convos with this guy actually has some ancient roots. Ancestral humans lived in a seriously harsh environment, so we evolved to cooperate -- to work together and help each other -- making it less likely we'd starve to death and/or get eaten by lions. But people don't always put out a memo listing their needs, so how do we know when to help? Well, welcome to the evolution of empathy, our tuning into others' emotions and "catching" what they're feeling (to some degree).

Unless you're a sociopath or a sex robot, empathy rises up automatically, as does its sister state, compassion. Compassion, as I define it in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," is "empathy with an action plan" -- motivating us to want to do something to help when we see a person suffering.

In other words, your emotional overlords have been pinging you, alerting you that somebody's in distress, and unfortunately, reason (as usual!) is late to the party. That's to be expected, because reason is what cognitive scientists call an "effortful process," in contrast with the automatic "Awww, poor you!" of empathy. Get reason out of bed and use it to remind yourself that you weren't helping this guy; you were enabling him -- "protecting (him) from the consequences of his behavior" (as they put it at HazeldonBettyFord.com). Sure, there may come a time when he's ready to "say no to drugs," but right now, he and drugs are having some very interesting conversations and may even start a podcast.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm not the best housekeeper or the tidiest person. I've got papers everywhere, dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, and an unmade bed. I have a very long-haired cat who leaves fur everywhere. I joke to men that "fighting entropy is a losing battle," but I'm starting to wonder whether my messy place is keeping me single. Obviously, if somebody's coming over, I'll make an attempt to clean up. But it occurred to me that maybe men see my place and think either I'm lax in my own personal hygiene (I'm not) or I'd be a bad girlfriend/wife.

When a guy you're dating wants to buy you something, it shouldn't be a vacuum.

That said, there's being dirty (that is, unclean) and there's being untidy, and they're two different things. In research looking at relationship deal breakers by evolutionary psychologist Peter K. Jonason and his colleagues, 63 percent of men named a "disheveled or unclean appearance" as the single biggest turnoff in a potential partner. However, it's important to note that this measure was about personal hygiene, and you apparently don't have mossy teeth or BO that sets off CDC scanners.

As for your apartment, the real problem comes if the place crosses over from cluttered to disgusting. To understand why, consider the apparent function of getting grossed out. Evolutionary psychologist Joshua Tybur explains that disgust seems to have evolved to help us avoid pathogens -- and the providers of their ground and air transportation, like boogers, vomit, dead bodies, and co-workers who like to celebrate "take your flu to work!" day. In light of this, priority areas to address would be the bathroom (especially the throne) and the kitchen. Also important would be policing the cat hair and rounding up any encrusted plates or week-old chow mein containers still loitering on surfaces.

Regarding whether you should also be spending more time tidying up -- that is, organizing mere clutter -- living life can be seen as a series of decisions you need to make about trade-offs. Economists explain this in terms of "opportunity costs" -- the benefits you have to sacrifice when you choose one option (one way to spend your time, energy, or money) over another.

For you, for example, time you spend tidying up is time you aren't spending going out and meeting men (or just lying on the couch smoking a doob and watching the Apple TV screen-saver images floating by). Now, maybe TV 'n' toke time sounds frivolous. However, time spent relaxing isn't unimportant. If you work like a beaten dog, your body and mind are likely to take note and hammer you into taking a pause -- through illness or depression.

To decide the level of cleaning and tidying you need to do, ask yourself how much of a luxury and how much of a necessity a boyfriend is to you. Depending on your answer -- because even just clutter could put some guys off -- you might decide that it's worth it to you to begin a daily cleaning routine, simply by picking up or wiping up 10 things every morning before you start your workday.

This advice is inspired by psychologist Karl Weick's insight into the motivational power of "small wins." Consider that being faced with massive, seemingly insurmountable problems -- like "end world hunger," "get the Israelis to hug it out with the Palestinians," and, in your case, "keep the apartment spotless" -- breeds dread in us ("aversive feelings," in psychologist-speak) and drains our motivation.

However, you could probably be kind of "yeah, okay" about doing 10 small tasks. (Some of these might be as minor as "pick up the sock that's spent the week vacationing on the living room floor.") Recasting the need to clean as a small set of daily tasks would yank away its power for dread production. In fact, chances are, through the "small win" of completing your daily 10, you'd end up feeling you accomplished something -- which other research finds seems to have motivating effects throughout the day.

Finally, there is another factor to consider: truth in cleanliness. If you're likely to fall back into your old ways (at least somewhat), your home should not be so spotless and organized that you appeal to the wrong guy -- the sort who measures so his decorative geode is in its rightful position on the coffee table. Should you attract a guy like that, it'd be best to confess to your sloberella-hood and give him time to see (and decide whether he can stomach) the real you. However, with guys with more moderate standards, by doing your daily 10, you should hit the mark -- giving them the impression that you're holding off on sex because you're done with hookups, not because you probably haven't washed your sheets since mid-2016.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm a straight single woman nearing 50. My best friends are a lesbian couple. I'm going to get some nonsurgical skin tightening on my face, and they got very judgmental about it: "We think you're beautiful as you are." Next, it was "What if it goes wrong?" and "Will you keep getting procedures till you don't look like you?" I ended up crying and then getting really angry. First of all, it's my face. Secondly, I don't think they understand the pressure on straight single women to look young and beautiful. Thirdly, I think my friends should support me in my decisions even if they don't agree with them. Am I wrong?

--Upset

I'm 55. Eventually, if a man catcalls me, I'll go over and give him a dollar.

So I do understand the desire for dermatological intervention -- in lieu of a little windup thingy behind your neck that you could crank to tighten the face flesh. That said, your friends probably feel they have a right (and maybe even a mandate) to tell you what to do -- probably because they're trying to look out for you. The problem is, criticizing people doesn't make them want to change; it makes them want to clobber the person doing the criticizing. And this seems to be the case whether that person is giving unsolicited advice to a friend or muttering "Dude...seriously on the 24-pack of doughnuts?" to that stout stranger in the supermarket.

This happens because our brain's threat response system is a little primitive. A central player in it is the amygdala -- a pair of lima bean-shaped neuron clusters -- which makes split-second decisions about whether we're in danger. Unfortunately, to your amygdala, an attack is an attack -- which is to say, a verbal attack triggers the same bodily responses as a physical attack. Your adrenaline surges, your heart pumps like crazy, and blood gets shunted away from your reasoning center and to your extremities. This gets you into the perfect bodily state to bolt or punch your attacker in the nose -- a state that's not exactly helpful for one's social survival.

Tell your busybody friends that it means a lot that they care about you, but that their context -- as two nesting lesbians -- is not your context as a single straight woman careening toward 50. Set a boundary: Explain that you want their advice on your appearance only if you ask for it. You could also ask them to be supportive of you -- even if they aren't on board with the steps you're taking -- simply on the grounds that you're trying to improve yourself and go after what you want. It's nice when your photo on a dating site makes some man reminisce about a classic beauty from his youth -- but not when it's his grandma's prized Hermes alligator clutch.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm a guy, and I've noticed that many women (at cafes, etc.) give me flirtatious looks, suggesting they're interested in me, yet they never approach me. Why don't they just come over and say hi and get my number and call me or message me?

--Annoyed

It isn't hard to get a woman to chase you. Just grab her purse and take off down the street.

However, as a dude, if you're looking for dates or a relationship, you should plan on doing the chasing rather than the waiting. "Males chase/females choose" evolved to be kind of a thing across species -- those in which the females get stuck with the greater share of child production and caretaking ("parental investment," in anthro terms). As evolutionary scientists Peter K. Jonason and Norman Li explain (in their research on playing hard to get), "the sex that bears the greater obligation to offspring is the more choosy sex (females in most species) and will put the opposite sex (usually males) through 'tests' for access."

Keep in mind that many men will have sex with a woman they aren't all that interested in simply because she pursues them. (In guy terms: "My wrist is tired. You'll do.") In line with this, Jonason and Li's research finds that women benefit from playing hard to get in a way men do not. A woman who refrains from pursuing a man "may increase her perceived value" in his eyes and motivate him to work harder to pursue her. "In contrast," they write, "men who limit their availability may pay heavier costs than women will through the loss of potential mating opportunities." As for what this means for you, waiting for women to ask for your digits and blow up your phone with calls and texts is a fantastic idea -- if your mail comes addressed to Chris Hemsworth, 26 Movie Star Avenue.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.