It wouldn't bother me, but then ST:TMP was a big moment in my life.

I know nothing about wigs, but my suggestion is to shave it all off and get a nice wig. That would probably be better than odd hair patterns and a wig/toupee thingy.

Maybe I missed it, but she doesn't make clear if she's casual dating or looking for a long term relationship.

I think done right, no one on a casual date would have an issue with it, just the opposite. And as for long term relationships, the issue for me would revolve more around other health issues.

All bald or under a wig is probably much less a showstopper than some of the way over tatted over pierced over fed treasures I see walking around.

Hey, um, you didn't say where she lives.

Orthodox Jewish women traditionally cover their hair. Since hats are now out of fashion, many of them opt for falls or full wigs.

There are lots of very natural, comfortable options out there. There is no reason to feel isolated - or to take a step like shaving that may make you feel like a freak (ask yourself: would I be considering shaving my hair if I didn't have this problem? If the answer is "no" then it's letting your disease define you...)

Black girls have a whole culture based around weaves and wigs. Most black girls wear some type of hair piece. Don't limit yourself, there is a whole culture based around this!

It sounds like you have what my mother has. At this point she has almost no hair and it is not an indicator of any other health issues. I don't know what your hairloss is like. My mothers was bald patches, that would then partially grow back in as a grey and new patches would form.

My guess is you should shave your head. From what to do from there is up to your personality. If most the thinning is on the sides you might be able to shave them and leave the top long.

I have generally noticed the shorter styles of wigs look better than the long ones. You should get multiple identical wigs - they won't be perfectly identical - so your hair won't seem to perfectly the same from day to day. Oh, and good wigs are expensive.

The other option is to go bald or wear blatantly fake wigs. I knew a girl who did that just to be edgey and cool. She was very artsy. The two I remember her with the most was a neon pink one and a purple one (which at first glance you might think someone actually died their hair purple for).

If you walk around with the bald spots I would guess many people will assume you have some other illness or are getting chemo or something. If you look "normal"/good while walking around, I doubt most guys will have a problem with it once you explain it.

Hot bod > bald head. Wigs are sexy. Next.

If it were me and budget allowed I'd shave it all off and fet a nice, realistic wig and several fun/crazy ones like different colors and such. Make it part of my new signature style to wear wigs.

Shave it, sweetie! I lost my hair during chemo when I was 33, at first I felt horrible as my mane disappeared. Then I went to class given by a local salon for cancer survivors on how to use wigs, scarves, hats and such to make ourselves feel pretty again.(opperative word there is feel, we never stopped being beautiful, just felt that way)
Long story even longer, I went the extra step of volunteering to be the first to have my head shaved rather than look a straggly mess. I did my best "Nyuck nyuck nyuck" when it was done( Curly rules!) and felt a hundred times better.
Then I went on vacay. I'm a gamer chick, so I went to a gaming convention. I had several funky, fun wigs with me, but I ended up not wearing them because my wonderful best friend got our entire group together and had her head shaved to raise money for cancer research in the hotel lobby. Don't remember how much she got in donations, but her gesture was priceless to me.
Hair is temporary, love is forever.

I went through a similar episode some years ago, also with no diagnosis of the root cause (yes, I know) of the problem. Fortunatley, mine has regrown with consistent treatment that includes scalp injections, among other things.

I did opt for a wig during that time, in part because I work in a management capacity in the corporate world. In making that decision it was less about the emotions of losing the hair and more about the work image - put on my suit, my nice shoes, my wig.

I was dating during that time and of the people I met, there were three with whom I discussed my alopecia and wig use. No one reacted negatively to it or to me when they saw me without the wig. The only questions were general ones around my health, i.e., was I recovering from anything that meant I needed to be careful of my health, nothing intrusive.

I didn't bring up the subject of my hair loss until we were planning something where I wouldn't wear the wig, such as swimming, hiking, etc. Perhaps it was my age at the time (mid-forties) but the fact that I was 80% bald didn't make a difference to the guys.

I'm pretty direct, so I simply said "before we go (swimming, hiking, whatever) you need to know that I usually wear a wig becasue of hair loss. But I won't be wearing one that day and I didn't want to catch you off guard." I did that in person btw, so I could see their reaction.

Best to you. It can be emotional. What I found most difficult was that I couldn't get a diagnosis to the problem. Once I gave up trying to control that, it was easier.

How much hair do you have left? You can get hair pieces that are sewn into your hair, that last a good 6 weeks. It's costly to maintain. Otherwise, I'd wear a wig (a GOOD one) over my cut stylishly short own hair. As to when to tell, I'd imagine before the relationship hits the bedroom. Maybe not then, if you have enough you can use the extentions instead of a wig.

Kat, that was awesome...you sound like a wonderful person with wonderful people around you. I'm a balding 38 year old guy who long ago stopped pretended it wasn't happening (started losing my hair in college)...now I just shave the rest of it close and go for it. Be true to yourself, the rest will follow...

So many great suggestions! I don't have much to add, except that from my particular standpoint, if I were attracted to you, then found out you were wearing a wig, I doubt my attraction would change. Now, keep in mind, I might be startled at first, then curious as to why, but that would be more due to concern about your health. Once past that, I'm sure I'd be fine, and I think most other men would be, too.

Shave it down to about a half inch or less, then get some fun wigs. Think of them as part of your clothing. I agree with Banker that the short ones are usually better. There are some really pretty ones! You don't have to get them all alike, though - a shiny black one would look better with some outfits, one that looks more like your natural color would go with others.

I'd have to see the hair before making a real recomendation, but Sigourny Weaver looked good in Alien3, Natalie Portman looked great in V for Vendeta, and Demi Moore looked great in GI Jane.

Christine Taylor though didnt look so good bald in her guest appearance on Freinds - but that might have been because she was using a skull cap as opposed to acctually being bald.

As for the non tradionally colored wigs, use of those would depend totally on your faces bones structure

Shave it, then get collection of sexy wigs in different colors. He'll feel like he's cheating on you with you!

The key is too wear them proudly and feel sexy in them. If you're confident about it, most men you're dating won't think twice (we're really simple like that).

No! Don't shave it! This is why extensions and weaves--NO wigs-- were made.

if she shaves it, she's going to get all sorts of coments about chemo,which will just make it worse.. Go to a good stylist who has experience with zthis condition, and get extensions.

Kate, I'm not sure whether she has enough to get extensions on. I've told her I was posting her question here, so I would imagine she'd come by or at least e-mail me to tell me more. Thank you all -- knew you'd be great, and I wasn't disappointed.

If a woman goes about in public with a shaved head, everyone assumes she's being treated for cancer. That may not be the reaction you want. In my parents' generation, it was pretty common for women to wear wigs. In a lot of older photographs you seen of Hollywood stars, the women are wearing wigs. A properly fitted wig is unlikely to be spotted by someone who isn't looking for it, and on a casual date, there's no reason to reveal it to your date. I say wear the wig if you want to and don't worry.

I'm about her age, and wouldn't have a problem being with a woman who wears a wig, and I'm a man for whom a woman's appearance is important. But wigs aren't a deal breaker. Just make the effort to get quality wigs, and learn how to wear them properly. Get ones that you can wear during sex.

FWIW there's a young woman in my town who'd lost her hair in her early twenties. She wears wigs, and everybody knows it. I don't think that she's had a big problem with men due to this. She'd gotten married a couple of years ago, but before that I used to see her out with guys a lot. So it's obviously not something that's going to make you a pariah. I don't know how she introduced the subject, but I suspect that most of the guys already knew when they met her.

One of the sexiest women I've ever known wore her hair cropped, which is about 1 step up from shaved. She was also taller than me, which is also sexy in my eyes.

Go for the shaved look and see how it works of you. You can always let it grow back. More free advice: wear your hair to please yourself.

I understand why you feel like you might be misleading people with your wigs, but speaking as a guy, I'm used to colored contacts, dyed hair, and fake tits. I wouldn't be surprised that some of that hair wasn't theirs, be it extension or wigs. As to when to broach the subject, how about "when it comes up"?

I suspect that she already knows whether short cropped hair will work for her, and it probably doesn't. She can't wear her hair to please herself, because she doesn't have enough hair. Did you not read her letter to Amy?

She wants to get her hair situation right so that she can go out a meet some guys. Pleasing herself is going to involve a little work getting to that place. I'm sure she's heard plenty PC crap about her appearance and knows that it's not helping.

Also very few women can pull off such a close cropped hairstyle. You have to have just the right features, otherwise you look like a man.

As Ben David wrote, many Orthodox Jewish women wear human-hair wigs (although their hair remains beneath). They look terrific, but are very expensive. If you choose this option, be sure to go to a stylist who has cut wigs before and knows what he/she is doing. You don't want someone who is learning the ropes on your very pricey wig.

I'm five years out of chemo and spent most of 2005 and part of 2006 bald or pretty darn bare. Some days I worked it (thankfully high cheek bones) and some days I just threw on a synthetic wig I bought for $90 at a warehouse. I swear every single day I had that baby on at least one woman and usually more asked me where I got my hair cut. It was fantastic, and I'm going to wear it today now that I think of it. The advantage of synthetic is you can wash it yourself, in the sink, with dish soap! Real hair wigs have to go to the salon for styling.

Since I live in LA and weighed about 90 pounds at the time, going bald inevitably made people ask me what sci-fi show or movie I was filming. Only scarves made people think cancer.

After a year of surgery, chemo and radiation I really wanted to go on a date not so much to find love but to talk about something other than illness, which is hardly first or second date conversation. No guy ever noticed the wig, no guy ever flinched when I told him about the wig, and two guys told me I'd be crazy to grow my hair out when I showed them the real me.

I know how hard this is. My hair came back completely different and much thinner and some days it still defines me. But I know/hope that it's only to me.

Good luck.

As a man, I offer these honest comments.

First, google "sex with bald chicks". I did. Lots of hits. In any fetish, the woman holds all the cards. You can pick and choose among men whose going-in position is, "I adore you." Lots of other fetishes come to mind; high fashion wigs and hats, bondage, humiliation, tattoo, slave, shaved-all-over, and dom/sub to name a few. These fetishes are applicable in this case because an unusual appearance or more skin is a plus. Don't be put off by fetishists. All men are fetishists. Blondes, redheads, large, small, bossy, quiet; whatever the trigger; there has to be the feeling of "that is what I want to bend over!".

Second, whatever is covered is no one's damn business. Until the second date, when it's, "what color hair would you like? Would you like Elvira or Tina Turner? I have lots of wigs because my hair is... gone, patchy? Whatever you said it was, I just skimmed your condition after I decided you were available. In any case, the guy will be relieved that he has a grade-A, platinum-coated topic to occupy the night with; and hopefully a topic he can use ALL NIGHT LONG. Chatting is such a chore.

Third, think fashion forward. Have you googled and pinged fashion schools, hair schools, and reality shows like Project Runway to offer your "problem" as a challenge? Runway's episodes for hats and the ones with unusual models are tailor made for you.

Lastly, are you dense?

Godspeed Elemetary and good wishes for continued cancer free days!

I was related a story about a lady who went to an Orthodox Jewish wedding. The large majority of older ladies observed the Tzniut practice of head covering. Because they constantly wore wigs -- they were practically bald.

My ex went from shoulder length to nicely styled 1-2 inch haircut. She looked good and was still as hot.

My lady who passed -- over our 13 years -- went through hairstyle changes. That didn't bother me. She also had an artificial eye that was damaged. She wore an eyepatch for a year until we could it replaced. That didn't bother me either.

While I don't know if I would go for bald -- it is the content of the lady -- not the externals that will draw me. And if she wants to do a wig in public and bald at home I could deal with that.

She needs to be comfortable with herself -- that is the biggest turn-on to me.

"Get ones that you can wear during sex."

Those would be the ones with chin straps? :) I can't imagine one staying put during that kind of workout.

There may be a connection between Alopecia and Celiac.

http://www.alopeciaworld.com/forum/topics/connection-between-celiac?commentId=2022678%3AComment%3A193607

...as for dating, confidence and kindness go far. Find your comfort zone/ approach appearance-wise, and date the guys who find you comfortable there. (I wear 4 inch heels at work, but I wore hiking boots and went hiking on my first date with my spouse, because that's what I love to do). Speak up when the moment presents itself, and let the fair weather guys weed themselves out sooner rather than later.

@Richard Cook. Thanks!

@Michelle

Where are you located? Kidding......

I would take a 175 lb lady who enjoys dressing up versus a 100 lb who has no knowledge of her sexuality and no interest in learning about it.

>> Those would be the ones with chin straps?

The LW needs to find some black women. Black women know hair technology like the Swiss know watches. I'm sure that they've worked out a solution.

Hello There!

This is the original letter writer and I have to say THANK YOU for the wonderful responses! I just discovered Amy’s column last week (how did I not know about this awesomeness before?) and I didn’t know about the blog until Amy gave me the link. I wasn’t quite prepared for so much feedback, but I am very grateful! I’ve been skimming through the comments and I really can’t tell you how much they mean to me. It is wonderful to hear from other women who have experienced this, it is such an emotional experience I really appreciate your sharing with me. And based on the comments from men on here I’m feeling MUCH better about the potential for dating again!

I am a very pale white gal and the fear of the giant egg look has been what has kept me from shaving my head all the way. I have ordered a partial wig that will cover the areas of hairloss and should blend in with my remaining hair color/texture. I think for the time being that is going to be what I’m most comfortable with. I really identified with one of the posters on here about how they preferred to wear wigs for work. That has been one of the most difficult things because I do feel like when I’m at work I need for the focus to be on how I’m representing my organization and not my hair/lack of hair/cool funky hat style. But after reading all these comments I can see a day where I do have several different wigs and really have fun with it as a part of my personal style. I think once I have several wigs and am confident putting them on then I will be more likely to go ahead and see what happens if I shave all the way. I have some work to do on the confidence/attitude front. Again, for right now I think getting some ways to blend in is important. I'm dealing with this so much better now, but I still sometimes just randomly cry when I think about my missing hair and I want to get to a better emotional place before I put myself in positions where strangers will notice and want to talk about my hair. However, reading the advice from Amy and all of you I’m excited to start practicing this whole confidence/attitude thing so I can get to the fun stuff!

I'm so glad you wrote me -- and I'm happy to see your response above. Commenters here get into some pretty heated disagreements (this is a free speech site), but there are some pretty great people here, and I knew they'd come through for you.

Now I'll post my initial response (from last night around 11:30 pm):

I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. I am posting this -- anonymously, of course -- on my blog to get some thoughts from guys.

I have some really smart and realistic commenters, and I think their opinions might be helpful.

Black women can look pretty good without hair, but I think it's tougher for white women -- doesn't quite work the same unless you're "of color," so your head doesn't look like a big egg.

Now, this sounds like bullshit -- but attitude matters a great deal...how you carry yourself, whether you turn it into a style thing with hats, etc. I get that you don't feel comfortable looking different -- I've been weird all my life and at a certain point I took that on and walked tall with it, with a sort of fuck you attitude. But everyone is not me, and since hair is the norm, I understand wearing wigs.

Again, attitude counts. I have a black wig (there's a picture of me in it in my book, I SEE RUDE PEOPLE), and my late friend/Advice Lady partner Marlowe Minnick wore wigs of different colors for fun. You could literally change your hairstyle daily. Black women do this more than white.

I think you get the no hair thing out there out front. Again, while some will find it a dealbreaker, there are others who will not, and surely others who will like how you look without hair.

I find guys who shave their heads sexy (they seem comfortable with themselves, confident) -- even a white guy I know who has no hair, no eyebrows (disease, not sure which one). He has THE most beautiful and sweet wife -- because he's confident and a great guy. All he did was ask her out when other guys were afraid to.

I really do think the attitude thing is essential. As somebody who grew up disliked and without friends, at a certain point, I just got sort of fierce and accepting that I was weird and different and walked tall.

I wrote a column about beauty, about jolie-laide in France, and I think that's something you should take a look at. http://www.ocregister.com/articles/plain-275203-friend-suffering.html There are women there who would be considered ugly if you looked at them, or not very pretty or not pretty at all, but they dress and walk tall and there's something amazingly alluring about them.

My friend Martin always told me I should shave my head. I think there are guys out there who find this sexy. You should find out more from my blog. I hope this helps. Please copy this entire e-mail into your reply if you write back. All the best, -Amy

PS Not the same, of course, but I've been wanting to get cat ears to wear without remark when I go out, and I'd wear the black wig from time to time if I thought of it. I see it as fun to have hair changes every day -- sort of like the hair version of being Cher. Can you get into that sort of thing? The thing to consider is, however, whether people will not recognize you if the styles change to greatly. Might be upsetting.

The bottom line, and I'm not just saying this to make you feel better (I think lying to people who are asking for honest advice is unhelpful and wrong): I think your attitude, and very importantly, your sense of humor in how you deal with this is absolutely essential to how you come off. I laugh at everything and it's always made life easier.

Here's my friend Baldilocks, aka Juliette Ochieng:

http://profile.typepad.com/manyata

And here I am, having fun in my black wig (scroll down):

http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/07/28/investigating_b.html

Being confident, and standing up straight and tall is the very best fashion accessory, ever.
Play with more than the wigs/falls, etc. Get thee to the Sephora for a makeup consultation, they will teach you how to do amazing things with your eyes so that after you meet prince charming, he won't be able to see anything 'missing':)
Earings! Can't get enough of them! Big, little, bold, meek, whatever, they are just the fishing lures to reel in a big catch!

I am a german-irish with a twist of viking, nobody paler than that:p I rocked my crewcut as my hair slowly grew back, but I have one very important piece of hard won wisdom to share with y'all. "mascara is NOT a substitue for hair dye, even if its waterproof.Don't have time for Miss Clairol? Wear a hat :p"

There are women there who would be considered ugly if you looked at them, or not very pretty or not pretty at all, but they dress and walk tall and there's something amazingly alluring about them.

The actress Kristen Ritter is like that. She's impossibly attractive. You can't help but watch her. Though I suspect that if she didn't have such presence, she's just be cute and unusual looking.

mascara is NOT a substitue for hair dye, even if its waterproof

Kat, you know we're gonna need to hear the story behind that.

I came late to this thread, but I'm glad to see that the LW is feeling better about her choices. I know the feminist party line is that we're not supposed to care about such vain things as our hair, but I would cry, too, if I started losing mine in a noticeable way. That's just something that is different for most women than it is for men.

Bare, I think you have the right attitude, even if you're feeling lost. I think you're absolutely right to start building up your confidence before you start experimenting. Like one of the posters said above, you'll probably just feel worse if you do something extreme like shave your head because you feel you have to, especially since the Sinead O'Connor/Susan Powter look of the mid-'90s is no longer trendy. There's no reason to go to last resort mode yet. I'm with many of the others here when I say to start small and rock your wig a la Karen Walker!

Side note: I agree, Jack, about Krysten Ritter. She's quirky-looking, but has such presence that you can't stop looking at her. Likewise, there are many classically beautiful celebrities that you forget about as soon as they're out of your eye line.

Amy what are these other columns that I haven't seen? Are you holding out on us? :)

Column posts first in papers, much later here! Papers pay me and keep me from needing to work as a barrista (if Starbucks would even be kind/stupid enough to hire me).

Popping in late to echo the confidence meme.

And, might I add, play up who you *are* rather than try to be something you are not.

I see so many women who have just given up on their looks because they are not pretty, or cute, or willowy and etheral or whatever. And so they do nothing to enhance what they do have going for them.

I remember one woman I worked with in particular--5'10" or so, about 280 lbs. She was so bitter about not being conventionally pretty that she dressed in man's clothes and cut her hair with a flowbee. How much better would she have felt about herself if she had gotten herself a cute haircut, some flamboyant 'big girl' clothes and some chunky, funky jewelry? What if she had gone to a drag queen for help? Took it into the realm of theater?

Hey, there's an idea for you. Nobody knows more about the art of being a woman than a drag queen. Since you are losing an essential part of your femininity, a drag queen might be able to help you with your new image. I'm not kidding--I'm thinking that's what I'd do in your place.

@ Jim P.

1) Thank you.
2) Pittsburgh. Major universities and lots of parks.
3) Me too!

~~~~~
"As somebody who grew up disliked and without friends, at a certain point, I just got sort of fierce and accepting that I was weird and different and walked tall." ~Amy

Ditto. It felt like a harsh price to pay at the time, but it wound up being a wonderful investment in character development.