So you noticed this guy. I bet you've been stared at many times by people who didn't want to be caught. Maybe he thought that the intensity made him desirable, or that you'd recognize him.

Maybe he objects to your assertion that a kid with two gay parents is better off than a kid with just one, but can't speak at all IRL.

Sure is nice to think about pulling an old .45 Peacemaker out, pointing it at him at eye level and asking, "Does this barrel make my butt look fat?"

But I bet you're looking at somebody who isn't concerned by what you want. There's a lot of them.

The only thing I can suggest, if you have friends there, is striking up a conversation with them about this creepy dude that keeps staring at you.

I would imagine, if that doesn't shame him into stopping, then at the very least, you have sympathy and support. Other folks are aware of your situation, in case he is dangerous.

I feel for you, darling.

On a related note, I recently attended a Speaker's Meeting of AA to be supportive of a friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic. One person got up and left...I didn't blame him; if this is a typical meeting, it's no wonder alcoholics drink. The tediousness of those meetings would drive anyone to drink.

But in any case, after the meeting was over, the person who left at first was very upset with me. He accused me of staring at him.

I honestly don't remember staring at him. Or anyone, for that matter. The only time I looked at him was when he was reading from a piece of paper at the beginning of the meeting.

During the course of the meeting, I do remember noticing the guy next to him, only because he was able to listen with such rapt attention to the speaker. He kept his eyes on the speaker the entire time, seeming to be utterly fascinated, which I found surprising because I was bored stir-crazy.

With the usual caveat, you'd have to be crazy to take my advice,

I wonder what taking his picture on your phone might do, especially if you made a gallery of such pictures taken over successive encounters. At the least it would document the problem so that the cafe manager would be more inclined to act.

Apart from that, since I don't know that I've ever been the victim of this sort of staring and I don't know what it's like, I assume that shifting positions around the table isn't helpful?

If you think he might be in any way dangerous, I would certainly take pictures of him, uh discretely though, to document what is happening.

A victim of staring? Possibly violent?

...I'm not even sure how to respond to this.

Look there are plenty of people that stare at others, sometimes they're not even actually looking at others even if they're in a direct line of sight. They're actually lost in thought and don't really see what is going on around them.

I've been known to do this on occasion, so focused on my own thoughts, I don't see past what is in my own head. I'll admit its freaked one or two people in the past. And I sort of understand why.

On the other hand, this could be someone who is so socially awkward that looking is as close to they get to interaction, they're not so much shy, as they are oblivious to the fact that staring makes people uncomfortable.

And on yet a third hand, it could be some petty little bitch of a man who likes to think of himself as scary, and "proves" it to himself by making people uncomfortable with stares.

In none of these more probable sitautions is someone at all dangerous.

The best answer, stare back. Right in his eyes.

If its someone just oblivious and lost in thought, they'll catch themselves and correct it eventually when they feel like someone is looking at them.

If its the socially awkward, they'll look away.

If it is the little bitchman, he'll look away.

If you want to do a coup de grace. Give em the finger.

Alternatively, just say LOUDLY "Would you PLEASE stop STARING AT ME!" Having another 20 sets of eyes in his direction might be sufficient to stop it and drive him out for good.

I don't normally advocate anything rude, and I'm the first to admit that if it were up to me, duelling would be legal again.

But a bit of explosive behavior now and again is useful to remind some people that there are boundaries of acceptable behavior.

You could be right, Amy. It could be because he can't say, "I want to lick your... and ... ... ...!" without being brought up on charges. It's the passive-aggressive approach to harassment.

Amy, you might try the following, perhaps after you've determined they can't get you in trouble:

A flashlight. I first thought of a pocket laser.

A squirtgun.

A sign you can put on your table saying "Hey creep in the blue shirt, stop staring at me!"

Wow, I'm not sure that there is any good advice on how to deal with this.

You never really know if doing or saying anything will cause him to back down or set him off. If someone is violent then trying to shame him could cause his "anger management issues" to fail; others nearby could very well end up being just "bystanders" and not do anything to help.

Since you already said something and he still didn't stop I think your mentioning it to someone at the cafe was the best choice.

I hate for it to be this way; but, sometimes, the best choice is to leave.

Especially since you are aware that he has done this before and to others then it is a good thing that you mentioned it to someone at the cafe.

Not that they will/could do anything about it; but, at least they are aware.

Also, by leaving, you feel like he chased you out; However, look at it this way - you still maintained control over what he can or cannot do. By leaving you denied him the option of continuing to stare. (I know, small consolation; but it is something)

P.S. Is it only women that he does this to? or does he stare at men too? Some guys will consider that something to fight over.

He's free to stare all he wants, regardless if you are uncomfortable. You're free to deal with it as you did, or any way you choose. He may be a jerk and rude as hell, but that's not a crime.

Ahhh, Islam has the solution for "The Staring Man" . . .

"In brief, when interacting with a woman who is not a member of your unmarriageable kin or your wife, you must avoid khalwa, or seclusion; guard your gaze; and obviously, avoid any physical contact."

"2. Guarding your gaze is a good practice that fosters modest interaction between the sexes. The Quran commands both believing men and women to guard their gaze. Unfortunately, many Muslims have lost this practice. What guarding the gaze means is that you should refrain from staring at a woman's face (if she's not a member of your unmarriageable kin or your wife). It does not mean keeping one's eyes glued to the ground. In Western societies, guarding one's gaze can sometimes be interpreted as a lack of assertiveness or respect for the other person. However, with Muslims, guarding one's gaze indicates respect for the other person's space and modesty of intention. Our scholars have said that looking at a woman's face is permitted in certain occasions. For example, if you are seeking a woman in marriage, it is permitted to look at her face. If you work in any type of job that requires you to look at people and interact with them, looking is permitted as long as you don't look with desire. If you are a teacher, looking at your female students is permitted as long as you don't look more than necessary or with desire. In short, be modest and respectful."

http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=10&ID=4771&CATE=143

DH used to get rather irritated at me for "staring at people". I was unaware I was. I'm a people-watcher, but didn't think I was staring. Half the time he brought it up, I was totally lost in my own head and not seeing anything.

But had anyone ever said anything to me, I would have been apologetic and embarassed.

I do think I'd get his pic, and maybe email it to someone you know, with a little synopsis. Just in case.

Not that I can imagine anyone seeing you as an easy target, and typically that's what creeps what is easy and low-risk to them.

I have learned the hard way over the years to trust my gut about things like this. A misspent youth that should probably gotten me maimed, raped, murdered or worse left me with a few scars, but nothing I can't handle, most days. If my gut was telling me that creepy guy was staring at me with ill intent, I'd pack up and leave, too.

And the next day, I would show up with 5 of the biggest, meanest looking Bikers I know, and we would sip coffee and chat about our pet snakes ( I have 3, my buddy Stew has a couple dozen) and I would DARE creepy guy to try and pull his "I'm gonna stare at you" thing, because my boys would stare right back. And grin. Very evil grins.

They might even send him over a refill on his coffee, just so one or 2 of them could be waiting outside the bathroom when he walks by, to stare some more. Just stare, and chat, nothing else, but that would be enough.

I love my friends, they make me happy :)

Difficult situation; Robert's analysis is very good. For the long term, the most important thing is to make certain that the coffee shop management is aware of this guy. The individual employees are unlikely to do anything.

If management knows that some guy is making lots of customers uncomfortable, particularly if several different customers complain, they will likely tell the guy that he is no longer welcome.

The easiest solution is to have a large scary looking man handy. The "creepy" sorts that enjoy others discomfort seldom to never have the bollocks to risk confrontation.

Alternatively, management should be made aware that on a regular basis a single patron is coming in, staring constantly at customers, and making an increasing number of them uncomfortable. That really is the best option...since dueling is illegal.

If its ever legalized again, I'm buying a proper set of swords for it, and breaking out a list of people who need chastising.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Courtesy began to die the day dueling was outlawed.

Charles: "...you still maintained control over what he can or cannot do."

I can't really agree. If his intent was to make her uncomfortable, he was successful. So successful, he got her to leave. If he wished to continue this game, he would simply pick it up somewhere else.

It sucks that he's doing this to you and others.

I believe it is often wise to remove ourselves from situations that make us uncomfortable when we are unable to change the situation ourselves.

However, like Patrick said, it seems likely that he intended to make you uncomfortable, and your walking out shows him that he was successful.

When it comes to unstable, obsessed types, normal stating of social boundaries or shaming methods are frequently ineffective. ANY kind of response, interaction, or observable discomfort is usually gratifying to them. Including telling them firmly, even aggressively, to stop. Including walking out of a place you love to be.

As long as his behavior does not progress beyond staring, I would suggest acting like he doesn't exist and going about your business. I realize this is very hard to do--that his staring already makes you quite uncomfortable, that you are in the cafe to get work done and enjoy yourself, and it would seem pointless to stay if you can't do that comfortably. But I believe that the best way to fight back, to reclaim your territory and refuse to be a victim, is to show this creepy little man that he can't get to you.

Even if you feel bothered, FORCE yourself to ignore him and get unbothered each time it happens. Reinforcing this habit enough times will make it your reality. After all, Ellis might say, why SHOULD the staring bother you? Do keep the staff informed, but calmly and discreetly, just so that there are witnesses to the behavior. Again, you don't want to do anything he might observe that might indicate he's getting to you. When he's deprived of gratification enough times--it could take many--he will give up the staring and either move on or try something else.

If he tries verbal or physical harassment, or following you around, you should immediately report it to management / the police. But even then, I would suggest continuing to act like he doesn't exist and avoiding any sort of direct confrontation between you and him, as I think that that's what he's after. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Trust your gut instincts. Those ones that come from the very steady place inside (not the panicky ones from your head that require an elaborate story to justify). I'm talking, raw gut. Those have never been wrong for me....ever.

And I can say, other people may not have that feeling with the same people I do- but then again, predators have a specific type of victim in mind. So it's really hard sometimes to go off of what others think.

Ultimately, you *know* who to stay away from on a very insti five level. Sounds like you were spot on.

There is a book that was recommended to me that I read about a year or so back called the "gift of fear". Great book.

"Gift of Fear" is an interesting read, but it makes a lousy religion. The success of that thing was amazing: There are a lot of tender souls out there who got no idea what they're up against when they're in a roomful of strangers.

I've found a very loud, "Can I help you?" (loud enough to make EVERYONE look at the guy) works wonders. It will also keep the rest of the place away from you, because you are now the crazy lady. :D

I also think Gift of Fear is a great book.

Sorry about that, Amy. You had a piece of lettuce in between your teeth...

Seriously: I don't think guys think of it the same way. Staring is something that boys do to try to intimidate each other, but they quickly realize that it's not very effective and they learn to ignore it. If someone was staring at me, I doubt that I would notice. (Hey, it's their eyes...) I guess it's different for women.

I would be inclined to stare right back at him - depending on my mood, I might do it icily or with a stupid smile.

Or, depending on the creepy level, say something mildly loudly like, "you keep staring at me, do I have a bit of pastry between my teeth or something?" If there was no response, I'd likely follow with a louder, "wELL?? Do I?" If he doesn't talk or break, I'd probably follow with, "I'll take that as a no - so you can stop staring at me and find something less creep-like to do."

Important to say creep-like instead of creepy because creepy sounds like he's given you the creeps (maybe his goal) but creep-like calls HIM a creep.

Of course, this is all for days when I'm feeling as gutsy as my thoughts are - doing is much harder than thinking.