Who you callin' a geezer, Missy?

Actually, I've always been partial to geezer dating. (Gregg is 13 years older, and I saw him and was all over him like green on broccoli...though, yes, I flirted, and let him ask me out, which he did.)

"Actually, I've always been partial to geezer dating."

I'm sure glad somebody is. If I weren't married, I'd ask you to evangalize on the topic a bit.

My hairstylist is 46 and very hot, and she gets more dates on Match.com than she can handle. These are nice guys 45-52. In some cases she complains that they want to move too fast and lock down a relationship. She's twice divorced with two older kids.

We have another friend who is 43 and kind of attractive but also kind of matronly. She's a widow with two young children. She also was overwhelmed by the initial response and is now in a relationship with a man her age. (She did note with distaste that some men her age wanted 25 year olds.)

The woman who does my facials is 43 and hot--never married--and she is dating an airline pilot the same age whom she met on Match. It's a long-distance relationship (DC to NY), and I don't know how solid it is. Previously she dated another guy from the site who came on strong and then vanished after meeting her family.

I have a male friend, 45, very good looking, who is dating a 43-year-old woman he met on Match.

The impression I get is that attractive women in their 40s do fine with online dating. Maybe most men prefer younger women, but there's a significant number willing to date women their own age.

One more: I have a male acquaintance who's on Match, and he claims that there are a lot of women in their 40s who lie about their age. It really turns him off.

I wating for a geezer dating article.

A lot of men think younger women are attractive but still prefer to date women their own age. My husband once said, "Yeah, I could have dated younger women. But then I thought to myself, 'She's going to be SO stupid.'" While he could have been saying that for my benefit, his dating history supports that.

A lot of his friends seem to be following that pattern, too. Young women are for looking at. Women their own age are for dating, especially if they want a relationship and not just a tumble. There's something to be said for being with someone who saw the same bands and movies you did and remembers the same world events you experienced.

I'm waiting for a geezer dating article. See, I can type it correctly, which I thought I did the first time. Methinks a gremlin is eating some letters, you know, a gremlin that hates old people.

Uh, well, um, I think it might be interesting to know what sites they use, and if they are targeting older or younger men.

Young women are for looking at.

True. Hot chicks are forever.

> Also, I like guys who look a little shopworn

Good phrase - most of my scars come from adventures in the shop, or at least around tools and projects.

My mom is 51 and looks 35. She is VERY attractive and never had a problem getting hit on. This is a woman who never had one pimple in her life and people think she is my brothers sister. Other women her age don't seem to get the same perks. Plus people get these weird ideas about her because of her looks. Like she is rich and well educated. She's neither btw. Just an observation.

In March, Miss Manners ran this letter:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-personal-contacts-beat-internet-for-dating-prospects/2012/03/27/gIQA2lPL2S_story.html

In it, she points out that the old system of having your dates screened by friends, family and co-workers wasn't perfect, but at least it made it more difficult for con artists, bums, golddiggers, violent types, etc., to get to their victims, so the percentage of truly horrific dates was lower. (However, MM also pointed out that while online dating services make it too easy for people to lie, the Internet itself makes it easier to do background checks on people.)

I do wish, though, that MM had been gracious enough to read between the writer's lines and answer her other question, which I assume is: "How do I let my dates know that, at age 64, I've had plenty of time to get my life reasonably cleaned up AND I expect the same courtesy from them - nothing less?" Somehow, MM didn't seem to think of answering that.

Your thoughts on that?

I dated online in 1997 to 1998. There were no dating websites at the time, just AOL chat rooms. I actually met my husband in a Southern California room, and we'll be married 14 years on November 22.

:Correction: There were dating websites, they just weren't well known. I didn't even know about Match.com and it went live in 1995 as a free Beta.

My mom is 51 and looks 35. She is VERY attractive and never had a problem getting hit on.

Exactly as one would expect. Thanks for mentioning that, Ppen.

Young women are for looking at. Women their own age are for dating, especially if they want a relationship and not just a tumble. There's something to be said for being with someone who saw the same bands and movies you did and remembers the same world events you experienced.

True Monica, but there's a difference between younger and much younger. I've never been interested in women who are much ("much", to me, is 10+ years) younger, but a woman 5-10 years younger is going to have, more or less, shared the same experiences. I'm not saying I'd prefer a 5-10-years-younger woman -- most women I've been involved with have been within 1-2 years (in either direction) of my age -- but I wouldn't disregard her either.

I work with a lot of divorced men and women in their 40's and 50's who use Internet dating sites. They all say that they steer clear of the free sites as they attract the real creeps.

Women mostly complain about the number of married men on these sites, and how most men are looking for women 10-20 years younger than them (even if they are fat, ugly and poor.)

The men mostly complain about how the women post pictures of themselves that are 10-20 years out of date. And how fat and sloppy they are in person.

Glad that I'm happily married.

I didn't start dating older women until I was nearly forty... But, like, boom.

1. They were often expressively grateful for the company itself, and clearly knew what they wanted from it. Both qualities were delightful relief from the grim dramas of their hipster little sisters.

2. In romance no less than finance, the deepest wealth accumulates in hidden value.

This is what I saw from about 2-6 years ago through friends/co-workers, etc.

1 co-worker and 1 former co-worker would often times invite me along if only one of them had a guy. I am pretty sure they were both trying to set me up with the other. Both were slender and attractive - one more so than the other. Niether of them hurt for dates but often griped they weren't getting what they want - those things seemed for the most part superficial (e.g. height). Both of them seemed to be super picky. I know they both used match.com. One of them ended up marrying a guy 15 years younger than her...he worked for another company in the same building as us.

The others I mostly know of thier dating tales through the above two. One was quite hot...but insisted on no dependents. She had lots of interest but they most all had dependents so she rejected them.

Another was quite masculine looking - I gather she got dates but not what she wanted - one of her big requirements was that the guy make 2x what she did - by her position in the company she probably made around 120K/yr (could 100-150). I know she used match.com.

And finally another woman who was rather pudgy and kind of plain didn't have much problem getting dates. She used pretty much all of them.

In my experience...most women on the dating sites that list there age at 35 or above are shaving off several years.

Hi guys! I'm late to the party because of that bitch, Sandy. Man, she was mean! Lost power Monday night, made it to work today (Wednesday). BF is home, his work still has no power, but we're hoping today is the day we get it back. Fairfield County in CT got hit HARD, Greenwich is 100% without power, as are a lot of the smaller towns and cities. All along the CT shoreline, towns got battered pretty hard. But we're okay. No damage, no trees down in our neighborhood. Just no power!

That said, I am SO glad I'm out of the dating game! I'm 54, been told I don't look a day over 35, but I think that's due to mostly genetics! I've noticed though, that I don't get hit on as much as when I was younger, probably because I don't put myself out there like I used to. But when I do go out, with or without BF, I usually do get it on once or twice. I'm just not as receptive to it as I used to be, because I don't care anymore. I have friends that get it on quite a bit, but then they bitch about who is hitting on them, like they're not good enough or something. One friend of mine just got divorced and is putting herself out there just a little too far, I think. She's giving off that desperation vibe, and I've tried talking to her about it, but she's not ready to listen yet. I hate seeing her get her hopes up about some guy, only to have him not call her again after he gets what he wants. I'm there for her, but she needs to be there for her, if you get my drift.

Attractive women of any age are gonna get dates.  At 45, I found myself divorced with 3 kids ("baggage", in singles parlance).  I was happy to date women my own age, but most were over-weight.   I wasn't happy about that.  The few who weren't over-weight were extremely difficult to get dates with, as they were overwhelmed with attention.  So I looked around and noticed that Asian women were rarely over-weight.  They were also willing to date me.  So I met, and married, a wonderful Chinese woman.   Her sister asked me to write her match.com profile.   "Sure, sis", I replied, "but we don't need to write much.  We'll just post your pics and dates will come".  And so they did.  After several toads, she met, and married, a great guy.  So, ladies, age doesn't matter.   Slim down, and you'll blow away the competition.   PS:  Beware of toads.   

Flynne -- Glad you and your family are okay! I was a little worried about you, being right in the middle of the storm and all. We only caught the back edge of the storm, and were more inconvenienced than anything else.

Now, back to the topic, to which I have nothing substantial to contribute...

I meant to saying the following before. From some discussion boards I have visited often...it sounds like the late 30s & older women may have very difference experiences based on where they are at & appearance also plays a big part -- especially weight.

I met my boyfriend of almost 1.5 years, on match.com. I am very happy - we both are. Both of us had paid memberships. I am I guess of average attractiveness; I'm 47 now, and he is 5 years older than me.
I had discovered Mark Sisson after my divorce, started eating better, and lost a bunch of weight - not that I'm as thin as Amy, at all, but my curves are in the right places now, and I have lots of energy, feel great (yada yada - Amy's written about this lots already). It sounds shallow but I think he considers me eye candy. But truly I think it's my energy and outlook more so than my size, that makes me more appealing. It's all one package tho, so.. who knows.
I dated a couple of men from match.com before we met. Both sounded good, and the first couple of dates were good. The first (few years younger than me) really wasn't over his divorce, so it crashed and burned. The second (few years older than me) was a truly nice man, but there was no spark. I wanted it to work but it just wasn't there. The scammers were ridiculously easy to spot - that never got in the way of finding real options.
The advice I give to other women friends, is to really write down what you want. Be brutally honest about what is absolutely required in the man you want to find (and then edit it to sound more appealing for publication). And then sell yourself - what qualities do you have that you want to be appreciated for?
The problem I see when I try to help them edit their profile, is that they don't really know what it is that they want ("I want a nice guy.") Combine that with low self-esteem and the feeling that they don't want to be asking for too much (*and* they don't want to pay for a dating site, so they're stuck on the free ones), and all they see is failure. The engagement is lost before it's begun.
What did I want? A secure man with a sense of humor who had kids, who had a 9-5 job that earned him enough extra money to be a travel companion, and whose idea of a relaxing Saturday was not on the couch in front of a TV. There was other stuff, but that was my basic criteria. (Notice no other requirements e.g. for "nice", ethnicity, height, weight, home, car, any specific sport, any type of movies, or anything else. I spent time thinking about what specific criteria was going to make *me* truly happy - and why - and it boiled down to that. That and the "spark", which would have to either happen or not.) My profile was a carefully written, well-thought out almost-essay.
I think, if you don't put yourself out there, and you don't give it the best try you can, including being completely honest from the get-go, then there's no point in even starting.
It took about 6 months from my initial post to a first date with my boyfriend, and it wasn't my favorite time in life. But it worked.

It simply won't work in my area where the average weight is over 180. I don't mind the weight but it leads to "favorite food" comments of low fat [whatever] and hobbies of dieting. I am not joking.

I have dated women like that a couple times, I eat a lot and stay thin which tends to piss them off. They love trying to force me into these diets they are on that are simply unhealthy fad diets which could make me ill because I need the carbs and fat.

"My husband once said, "Yeah, I could have dated younger women. But then I thought to myself, 'She's going to be SO stupid.'"

There is definitely some truth to this ... visually I prefer younger women (e.g. early 20's) ... but often I find them hot only until the moment they open their mouths. Inane drivel = instant turnoff.

I'm now mid-thirties, and if I was single, I would consider dating a woman in her 40s, but only if she was reasonably attractive and 'looked after herself', kept herself in good condition (i.e. not overweight), made some effort to look good, and also not sporting a bad attitude ... just 'comfortable in her own sexuality'.

The aesthetic concern over the weight of women has two striking qualities: It's ferocious and it's popular.

How popular?

We have to believe that it's felt and expressed by people of both genders who apply no such standards to their own bearing.

Now, I like 'em, skinny, and young, and athletic and apple-cheeked and wealthy and agreeable and all the rest... But I've also been, um, pleased by ladies who don't go swimsuit shopping with Angelina Jolie and Tailor Swift. Sometimes, a couple extra pounds is exactly what your hand was reaching for.

I don't where the rest of you are meeting women but...

I find past around 25y/o the individual makes a lot more difference about saying inane stuff than age. If anything it probably gets worse with age.

Most the women in my age group (30s).... well if you are saying they have a couple of extra pounds that is like saying Mitt has a couple of bucks. Oddly, as you go older it gets better.

I'm 37, not quite 40s, but pretty close. I'm not sure how hot I am. I was on Match and some other site for a bit, but I shut both down. Honestly it's exhausting for me to communicate with that many people (I'm social, but not THAT social). Also, I can't say the people I met were monsters, but I just don't think I'm going to find a partner online. I'll wait, thank you very much.

I was rarely winked at or messaged by younger men when on those sites. That's fine by me, because I have no desire to date younger. I do get hit on by younger men in person. Some I think are trying to fulfill a cougar fantasy, some really don't care about age, so long as the attraction is there, and some honestly look like they've just hit on their mom when I tell them my age.

Online, most of the hits were men in their 40s, which I'm quite comfortable with. There were a few 50s and even a couple of low 60s, but mostly 40s.

Shortly before I turned off my membership, I noticed my ex-husband had viewed my profile. I noticed he was searching from a few years younger than us (I think it was 29 or 30, can't recall), to about 45. I'm sure he was just maximizing his search results, but I'd bet both of our houses and retirements that I end up with somebody older, and he ends up with somebody in her early 30s to possibly his age (for financial reasons).

My first paragraph probably came off a little snooty. It's not like I had hundreds of emails coming my way, just enough to keep me busy, and then too busy. For me, socializing is most enjoyable when consumed in bite-sized pieces.

But when I do go out, with or without BF, I usually do get it on once or twice.

Flynne, when you go out without your boyfriend, does he know you're getting it on? :)

I have friends that get it on quite a bit, but then they bitch about who is hitting on them, like they're not good enough or something.

This reminds me of a discussion about a year ago, when I was arguing that women who are very attractive never lack for guys asking them out/hitting on them. If a very attractive woman says that guys never (or seldom) hit on her, I maintain that: (a) guys actually don't hit on her, but it's because she's giving off a strong unfriendly vibe or (b) guys do hit on her but, in her eyes, they don't count because they're not good enough for her.

Sometimes, a couple extra pounds is exactly what your hand was reaching for.,

I don't think most guys have a problem with a couple extra pounds. I sure don't. However, in my experience, when a woman says she has a couple extra pounds, it's an extremely liberal interpretation of "couple." It's like a 5'4" guy saying he's a couple inches shy of six feet.

> in her eyes, they don't count

☑

> I don't think most guys have a problem with
> a couple extra pounds.

But it's the way guys, and other women, talk.

They talk as if a pre-teen athletic slenderness were an undisputed lifelong essential... Like daily ablution, or dentistry, or a diet of fresh, nourishing foods.

They talk as if this essential slenderness was universally recognized; as if every overweight person, most especially every overweight woman, should be presumed to have an interior life of disorder, torrential tears, and foaming regret.

And the weirdest of all: They talk this way about these other people — people they know and people they don't — as if they could never have any need of them... They could never want anything from them socially, intellectually, financially, whatever.

And certainly not sexually, right? That's the whole point: Oh, these talkers shudder with terror at the very thought…

…As if these talkers had friendships and intimacies to burn.

But the thing is, if you cornered these talkers and poured a drink or two into 'em, they'd probably all confess to some sort of loneliness that they couldn't explain....

Also, this comment…

> in her eyes, they don't count because
> they're not good enough for her.

…Calls to mind one of the virulent outbreaks of girly dementia this blog has ever hosted, wherein the Sisters just would not surrender the fantasy of the shimmering beauty who sleeps on a pillow moistened by her own lonely, lonely teardrops.

I'm not sure the website has ever explored a

(Pardon)

I'm not sure the website has ever explored a weirder corner of the feminine heart....

"We have to believe that it's felt and expressed by people of both genders who apply no such standards to their own bearing."

Why do we 'have to believe that', Crid? I must admit, I don't understand why you seem to feel a need to paint those who promote healthier habits and healthier lifestyles, in a negative way. I am unashamedly open that I prefer women who are not overweight, but I also work hard at keeping myself healthy and in shape (for the sake of myself and for my partner) .. and I enjoy doing so. I don't expect that a woman should want to be with me if I became overweight and unhealthy. But I've found quality of life is just infinitely better when you're healthy.

It's not just a superficial matter, either. Sure, I think it's important that both partners actually find one another at least moderately attractive, but I'm raising a child, and I think it's important that both parents are able to be role models that are able to teach by example how to look after one's healthy, and to respect and maintain themselves and their own bodies. I want healthy children. And I want a woman who is able to raise a healthy child (if you can't look after your own health, you can't teach a child to). It's not superficial to want healthy children that live longer, have better quality lives, better quality relationships, and bodies that don't look 60 at 40 ... on the contrary, these are positive, virtuous values. Promoting poor health, promoting poorer quality relationships, promoting shorter lives ... why?

In the US alone, obesity is responsible for an estimated 300,000 deaths per year ... slander all you want, but I hope to live to a ripe old age, and also want my daughter to respect her body enough to maintain her own health and keep herself in good condition - I think that would enrich her quality of life, and the quality of her own relationships. I wouldn't want my daughter raised by someone whose role as role model is someone who thinks it's OK to destroy their own health. Even now, my wife and I are watching some of her close friends literally basically eat themselves to death ... a mother and daughter, overweight, the mother already had diabetes-related hospitalizations (and doctors told the mother she will die soon if she doesn't control it), but they don't care and won't change.

I 'have to believe' that people who want to encourage others to be overweight, just want to pull others down to their unhappy level or something. Seems to me that a decent, positive value system would include wanting to see other people be their happiest healthiest selves .. I wish the best for others, not slow suicide.

However, in my experience, when a woman says she has a couple extra pounds, it's an extremely liberal interpretation of "couple."

In defense of those women, on some dating sites, the available choices for body type are, to paraphrase, skinny, athletic, a couple extra pounds, and big fat fatty. Were I to looking for love online right now, I'd choose "a couple extra pounds," even though it's more than a couple, because although I'm fat, I've got a boobs-waist-hip ratio that's pretty damn smokin'. If I picked "big fat fatty", the assumption is that I'm a blob a la Momma Boo Boo.

Calls to mind one of the virulent outbreaks of girly dementia this blog has ever hosted, wherein the Sisters just would not surrender the fantasy of the shimmering beauty who sleeps on a pillow moistened by her own lonely, lonely teardrops.

I see that you remembered that discussion too.

In defense of those women, on some dating sites, the available choices for body type are, to paraphrase, skinny, athletic, a couple extra pounds, and big fat fatty.

Beth, don't those sites have an option for writing comments about yourself -- where a person could, for example, be more specific about their weight (or height) -- in addition to choosing from categories?

It's not just a superficial matter, either.

It's certainly less superficial than the lust women have for a man being tall. Being overweight is, in many cases, a health issue. I'm not aware that being short (or not being tall) is a health issue for men.

> Why do we 'have to believe that'

Because there are so many of you... If such things were only said by open-hearted & and similarly-attractive people, we wouldn't hear them expressed nearly so often. There just aren't enough good-looking people in the world to stand behind all of these comments.

> you seem to feel a need to paint those who
> promote healthier habits and healthier
> lifestyles, in a negative way.

I don't think this kind of carping 'promotes' anything but its own arrogance.

> I also work hard at keeping myself healthy
> and in shape

You personally may be a chiseled prince, a six-packed Olympian from a cardiovascular paradise, a stunning and irresistible specimen of masculine excellence who brings passerby women into an ovary-shuddering spasm of admiration and desire at your merest glance... Why would I doubt it? Why would I care?

But why then has life lead you to such a mundane & plebeian appreciation of sexual allure? Why didn't these superior women of yours (who you expect to be so grateful for your own vigor) bring you a deeper understanding of attraction and fulfillment?

I think you have it precisely backwards. The trick to seeing more beauty in the world isn't to hang out with an ever-more-polished gem of a physical idol; the trick is see the four leaves of the clover you overlooked earlier today.

> I wish the best for others, not slow suicide.

Feller, there's a death out there for all of us. On a planet as capricious as this one, suicide is redundant. More to the point, your statistics are bullshit, especially in a word with as much other hurt as ours will present: The kinds of bodyweight being discussed here have little to do with the cancers or heart disease or any other outcome.

And even more to the point, the comment is ludicrous on its face. These aren't the things people say when they're concerned for the well-being of others. You're working far too hard to make distance from people, most of whom wouldn't share a coffee with you if you bought the Joe and the New York Times and shelter from the rain.

You're working too hard at being lonely; and there you are. If you aren't, why be concerned about the shapes of strangers? I'll never understand how people can convince themselves that others are supposed to be –and supposed to want to be– attractive. To them, personally.

...don't those sites have an option for writing comments about yourself -- where a person could, for example, be more specific about their weight (or height) -- in addition to choosing from categories?

JD, they might, but it's beside the point. When a man is narrowing down the number of women he wants to see to his specifications, unless he selects "big fat fatty," he will never read the lady's blurb explaining, "I'm little in the middle, but I got much back."

Beth, if a site does have a option for writing more specific comments, then I don't see how that's beside the point. If the only categories available to a woman who is overweight are "a couple extra pounds" and "big fat fatty" and a woman assumes that most men will never select for "big fat fatty", she could pick the "couple extra pounds" category but then be more specific in her comments.

When I wrote above, "in my experience, when a woman says she has a couple extra pounds, it's an extremely liberal interpretation of "couple.", I was referring to women I've met who claimed to be just a "couple" extra pounds overweight even in their comments.