In general terms, I have to agree. As you said, living with someone (of most any relationship) tends to help provide a self-check mechanism.

One wonders, though, whether they're neurotic *because* they're single long-term, or they're single long-term *because* they're neurotic.

Also, I know this has been mentioned three ways from Tuesday, but I think I'd look super cool showing up to work in a pirate.

Rishawn Biddle @dropoutnation just retweeted that, and expressed his opinion that yes, they do.

I tweeted back: My boyfriend gently talks me down from the ledge when I go all flying idiot about something. Perhaps really close friend can?

...do the same, that is?

That's what Bella DePaulo, who writes about singles and prejudice against them would likely say -- I think. Here she is on my radio show:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2012/02/13/advice-goddess-radio-amy-alkon

I could definitely see legitimacy to that, for example in a close girlfriend I'd call when having a minor panic attack prior to a social engagement. I think there's merit to that theory.

That also hearkens back to the question of whether it's actually the neurotic's personality that causes the widening of personal space in his/her life, which makes the walls of anxiety rush in faster. The neurotic perhaps pushes friends as well as dates out of his/her sphere.

That's fantastic trashion! I enjoy seeing people take pride in their appearance, particularly those who go to the extra lengths of appearing as moving art. It'd be terribly punny to say that the museum's reaction was trashy in a less aesthetic way.

Speaking only for myself: no.

But then again, I do spend time among people in a social setting a couple of times every week. That, and I'm a private person: I don't need to share everything.

Could be true, I suppose. But is the neurosis a function of being unpartnered, or of being reclusive? Is it a matter of having a partner or being sociable in general? I'm asking this because I'm thinking of a friend of mine who's a long-time widower, but seems to have a pretty wide circle of friends he meets regularly.

I'd have to say that I agree as well, but I also have my daughters here to bring me down to earth, so to speak, when I'm getting a bit edgy. BF has always been good about gently reminding me that others don't always see things the same way I do. And I try to do the same with him and my girls, although sometimes my patience gets a real good workout!

Perhaps they do if they don't have any social engagements or responsibilities, but it's not likely that people go weird because they aren't DATING someone. Humans are social creatures, it's the social aspect that's the issue, not the dating.

Well, for me, it depends if I'm living with my significant other.

If I am living with them, it makes me MORE neurotic. I'm a neat-freak and a bit of an introvert (dating an extrovert/messy guy), and clutter/guests who stay to long make me panic. Living with anyone who doesn't have the same standards I do leads to obsessive cleaning, general craziness, hiding from guests, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love people, just not big parties.

... probably the best balance for me would be a significant other whom I DON'T live with, who pulls me away from my apartment and comfort zone, reminds me I don't need to do laundry every day because that is insane, but who doesn't mess up my apartment or invite large numbers of people into it.

I don't think humans were meant to live alone. In my experience, isolation (voluntary or otherwise) for prolonged periods of time made me nutty. However, there are people who are without committed partners who are savvy enough to get their needs met through other social circles or who might just be a little more tolerant to isolation.

Me? I like my alone time but being without a partner or without connection to other people DOES make for a one way ride to crazy-town for moi.

Any chance this person wAs a female? I think females are probably more susceptible to neurosis - but that is just a guess.

I work with a woman who is extremely neurotic and has been married for 30 years. Plus she has children, grandkids, family. I dont think she has any face to face friends. She is really difficult to work with.

Anyways I have an eldery Japanese woman whom I bounce off my neurosis too,and had an best friend who would do that too (that I saw practically daily).

In general, yes, I think people who live alone tend to be more neurotic, but they also tend to be Avoidant nuerotic.

Here is the thing though. I think, particularly people who tend towards personality disorders, need to have some other reality check other than just a life partner in the home to adjust their view of reality back towards the norm.

If a life partner pacifies the neurotic to avoid a hissy fit, he/she is not doing the neurotic any long term benefit in adjusting their warped view of the world back towards the norm. You may only be reinforcing the neurotic behavior.

I actually tend to think the causation runs in the other direction; neurotic people drive others' away from them. I know there can be times when I limit exposure to some of my intensely neurotic friends for fear of them draining my batteries.

"neurotic people drive others' away from them"

Yeah my view too. You can't always talk to someone that is very neurotic and "condition" them out of their views.

If you are a reasonable person, there will always be someone to reason with you and quickly knock you out of it.

sorry forgot to add:

People can knock you out of your silliness only if they trust you and know that what they say wont be taken the wrong way.

Humans usually don't seem to do well alone. It probably is an evolutionary thing. Intimacy seems to be needed. Being alone in a crowd doesn't cut it.

I'd think so, but it would be tought to tell from just random observations since, the more neurotic someone is the longer they stay single.

My first thought was that I think it is more that neurotic people have a harder time finding and keeping a partner. Then as I thought about some more, all the neurotic guys I know are married to women who are even more neurotic. Clearly a partner can sway things.

It also seems like it could be self reinforcing. You are neurotic so you have fewer people around you and those that are, are less close. So then you are free to increase in neurotic behavior...which causes fewer people to be around you and close to you...repeat.

Wow. I think there is a shifting taking place in our culture to label the growing number of singles, a population very much marginalized. Over time it will change. But for now ... everything in our lives serve to inform who we are, what we fear, how we grow. Being single or uncoupled informs us in both the positive and negative no differently than the journey's of married/coupled people. So why the need for the labels of "neurotic", people? Let go, already.

Just thinking back to one old roomate where, things started of fine, he became much more social while I was there, but eventually our friendship soured. And that souring is what kicked up his neurosis a few notches. I moved out and he improved. The friendship was pretty much gone, but he improved as a person.

OMG, yes! I postulate that when you are alone, you also have little else to think about than what happened to you during the day, week, or your life. I know that I obsessed more when I was single.

I have two "close female relatives" who both live alone. Oh, do they ruminate! They parse every word of every "outside" conversation or situation, infer all possible meanings from any word or phrase one says, and dwell on the negatives. Worse than that, they used to spend hours in conversation with each other. Since neither experiences the "outside" interactions of the other, the inferences bounce between them and magnify every nuance into major conversational fodder. In this toxic milieu, a minor perceived slight becomes a social thermonuclear bomb.

My wife and I had to entirely disengage from them until (one of them, anyway) came to her senses.

Hey Amy - I'm not suggesting that the topic isn't worthwhile. I just think people are people, and during my 50+ years so far I honestly don't see any measurable differences between the those with easy-access sounding boards and those who don't. (Which by the way could be married or unmarried people.)

And YES, single people are marginalized - not meant as a negative or pitying comment. The margins are where change begins. :-)

In this specific instance hell yeah being single would increase the stress of picking up a bottle of La Crema, making your signature appetizer and deciding whether to go with the argyle v-neck or cable knit. It's a dinner party, what was the person freaking out over? Other guests? Well as a single, I have a lot more acquaintances that I would really prefer not to run into than you marrieds. Plus, you're just there to relax. cocktail parties are akin to a job fair for me so of course I'm more likely to be a little anxious.

Speaking more generally the mechanism I would propose is that I don't have to take shit from anybody for long periods of time so maybe I have a little more trouble taking your shit.

Or a partner can feed into and magnify one's neuroses...

I've long thought so, as I grew crazier as I got older before I married, and really settled down afterward. It's boring, too, but saner.

Also my best friend who has been single all her life (no BF even) is clinical, taking lithium and in and out of the mental ward all the time. This last time I moved her into an indendent living joint but have pretty much lost the friendship. She says she is really selfish, knows it and berates herself for being that way to the point of suicidal thoughts.

Online I've noticed that a lot of seemingly sufficient single, childless people tend to go on and on about themselves, and tell you what they eat for breakfast, how they work out every day, how much money they make and so forth. It's really pretty striking how much they reveal (or claim) about themselves.

Linguists toast the slippery connivance of the human spirit as proud new coinage carries evasive pussyfooting to popular acceptance! —

"Partnered."

It's what I was talking about here: "As if when you say "the one person of their choice" with just the right verve and unctuousness....

Crid: The link didn't work for me.

My take on "partnered": A lot of people interpret single as unmarried. That doesn't clarify whether or not they are in a relationship or not. So I started using unpartnered or partnered when the specification was relevant.

"whether or not they are in a relationship or not".

Le sigh. I really need to start proofing my posts. Sorry.

Seems quite plausible to me.

Link again/better.

> So I started using unpartnered or partnered
> when the specification was relevant.

Jargon is the cousin who Political Correctness used to feel up in the basement when they were kids. The whole damn family should be avoided.

THIS-

http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/12/24/newt_comes_arou.html

That's it right there.

Well, it's a party-sociable word for a party-social concern —Neurotics! They're the WORST, right?

But there's this trend out there where people who

Aw never mind, I'll pick a fight about it later, when there's some policy on the line.

Now, about this "one person of their choice" silliness....

And furthermore...

"Jargon is the cousin who Political Correctness used to feel up in the basement when they were kids. The whole damn family should be avoided."

Feeling a bit metaphorically snippy today, Crid?

I think ValiantBlue has it right:

"One wonders, though, whether they're neurotic *because* they're single long-term, or they're single long-term *because* they're neurotic."

I know several people who are single precisely because they are so neurotic. But, then I also know quite a few who are driven bat-shit crazy by their partners.

And lastly, I have a couple of couple-friends who are BOTH strange and perfect for each other - and as happy as a couple of pigs in a cool mud puddle on a hot summer's day.

There are certainly couples who go crazy together, but I do think that some people are so isolated (and spend too much time online) that they really can't tell when their own reactions are inappropriate, OTT or bat-shit crazy. When you work at home, live alone and barely venture out of your cave--it's too easy to start considering every tiny thing as of monumental proportions. I had an ex-pal who truly thought that his postal carrier was spying on him for the IRS, despite the fact the guy made under $20K a year in LA and lived on ramen noodles. Take a look at the AskMe section of Metafilter.com--packed with questions from neurotic loners who clearly are losing their grips.

> Feeling a bit metaphorically snippy

You wouldn't say so if I'd actually closed the emphatic tag as I'd intended.

I don't know if neurotic is the right word for it, but I think living alone can definitely make you more uptight and inflexible about your lifestyle and routine. When youre living by yourself it's easy to get set in a really rigid routine: dinner every night at 6, in bed by 10, etc. And any deviation (say a houseguest or invitation to a dinner party) becomes a Really Big Deal. Whereas if youre living with a significant other, or even just roommates, youre already used to accommodating someones schedule, needs, and whims and it becomes easier to go with the flow. This is a good reason why everyone should live in a college dorm (or anything similar) at some point in their lives: everywhere you live afterwards will seem like such a Mecca of space, privacy, and cleanliness that you won't even think to complain.