waaaait... what do you mean "not that complicated"?
do you mean that we're stupid and too easy? Is that what you are saying? Is IT?

:very level look:

I once explained this to one of my kid sisters, and she STILL twisted my words all around. I replied: "whatever, don't ask me for advice if you don't actually want advice.
'but what does that mean?!?'

You can throw up your hands and walk away from your kid sister... a significant other? Expect a nuclear attack.

I'm glad you mention stuff like this Amy... Women don't believe it if it comes from a man.

Gawd yes. Used to be, after I did some project around the house, my wife would offer "constructive criticism" of the result. Gee, thanks, really motivating.

I finally told her, look, after I've worked hard on some project for the household in my free time, I need to hear something positive. I'm not looking for critique. Surprisingly, this worked.

Of course, it goes both ways. Despite our attempts to be a "modern" household, she does most of the cooking. All too often, I munch down a yummy meal at the end of a long day, and forget to tell her that I appreciated it.

I was dating a woman earlier this year. She mentioned to me that my beard was getting a little bushy. The next morning I decided to trim it (it was July and I was trying to accommodate her). I used a #1.5 razor guard on it and then proceeded to jokingly send her a picture of how short it was.

She texted back "It could be shorter"

No "thanks" or anything else. I immediately made a couple decisions: 1) get rid of her and 2) grow the beard back out and find a woman who liked me for me.

A little show of appreciation goes a long way.

Would love to have people's comments on their experiences. Working on a column on this now.

Unbelievable on the beard thing.

You get a man to do it more in the way you want in steps. You first praise him for not only considering what you want but doing something to please you. Praise him a lot for this. Appreciate him.

At some point, you tell him that he's got such a great face that it would look even sexier with a shorter beard. You don't tell him what to do. You don't treat him like an idiot; you don't order him around. You just lay out what you find hot.

one last thing ladies. Men ( generally, that is) dont give a crap about your job. As a matter of fact, a male friend told me, "unless you work for the NFL and can get me season tix to my fav team" I really dont care. He went on further to say that, related to work they really only care
that:
-- you have a job and are self supporting, and dont start blatantly asking them for money after three dates ( I know someone who actually did this) and
-- be NICE. Dont compete with me.
-- Look good- sorry to all you "why dont you love me for whats on the inside" types- Amy is right- male lust does have a weight limit.

Ok- Im done ranting for the day

TRUTH!

Here is my simple relationship advice for women:
Stop the drama.
Overuse the words "thank you".
Use your words to communicate, not "hints".
Don't be afraid of the "ugly" stuff.
Let him be the MAN.

Of course, I can't convince any of my single girlfriend who bitches about being single all the time that it really was THAT simple to land my man and keep him.

Oh, it also helps to dress up for him every now and then, ladies. (Or don't dress at all if that's what gets him going... ;) ) I might have landed him already but I'd like to keep his eyes focused on me in the future too.

Related advice for my wife:

1. If I offer my help and you don't want it, a simple "no thanks" will suffice. "I can do that myself", delivered in a sneering, you're-an-idiot tone, isn't useful.

2. If you do want my help, ask for it. Don't wait for me to guess that this isn't one of those cases where my offer will be met with the above response, and snap at me if I guess wrong.

Amy- can I give you my ex-wife's phone number?

Over the course of 25 years I got drawn into literally dozens of situations where she or her family and frends would get themselves in a pickle and I would swoop in to the rescue, only to be the bad guy in the end.

An example, and I swear to GOD this is true: We were visiting her sister in Alaska. One day we were all in the car, about an hour or two outside Anchorage. Her husband, one of the nicest guys in the world, has prostate problems and had to urinate. His wife wouldn't let him stop by the side of the road to take care of it. We were out in a forest. About half an hour later tears are coming down his face, he is doubling over in agony, and she insists he wait until we got to Walmart! I grabbed her stainless steel coffee mug out of her hand, threw the contents out the window, and handed it to him so he could relieve himself, in the car in front of all of us!

I have been a social pariah to that family ever since for my over reaction.

PS- This was just a few days after these two women almost came to blows over the proper size of Maryland crabcakes.

Except people change over time, especially women.

Eric, that's a dreadful story - didn't they care about his health?

In my experience, people will treat you the way that you let them treat you. If you insist on the appropriate level of respect from the very beginning and enforce it, you'll get it.

One needs to be firm, and immediate, when someone starts taking advantage of you, or is abusing you. Sort of like training a dog.

No is an excellent word. Being alone is not the worst thing in life. Not even close.

And Amy nails it on the head: you nee

Dang. "You need find a good one first, then go from there".

Or as Socrates is supposed to have said, by all means get married. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you don't, you'll become a philospher.

Wonder what Mrs. Socrates said about that? well, other than drink the hemlock.

Charles- the three sisters are all mega control freaks. Think Nurse Ratched, without the calm. The female generation before and after are the same.

I R A- I'm stealing that quote!

Seinfeld nailed the men vs women attitudes about jobs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrLtHatB6IU

I've been divorced a few years, and since then have wondered about the differences between the couples who appear to genuinely care for the well-being of one another, and the couples who treat one another like two-week old garbage.

I've read your blog and columns for a few years, and you're obviously a vocal, witty, strongly opinionated woman. You also seem very conscientious about expressing appreciation for your boyfriend Gregg, which hasn't undermined your street cred as a strong woman, but has enhanced your credibility as a decent human being.

I don't think I've been a complete banshee in the past, but after observing you and others be so conscientous in the expression of your gratitude (and others not so much), I thought, "I'd like to try that". And holy shit.

Granted, I think I made a much better choice in partner than I have in the past, but my BF has been incredibly responsive to conscientious gratitude, and he is always willing to suit up, mount his battle steed, and slay every spider in my house. It's nice to do things for him, and vice versa.

And whatever you do, if a man does help you, don't criticize him afterward for how "wrong" he's done it.

That's why God created man before he created woman. He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

If it makes you men feel better-many times these type of women tend to be the exact same way with their daughters. I think it's partly why it keeps cycling generation wise.

My husband and my relationship is pretty uncomplicated. I ask him to do something, he does it. He asks me to do something, I do it. I don't know what his perspective is, but I offer criticism only when something is really bothers me. Otherwise good or bad I keep my mouth shut and I say thank you honey.

Wonder what Mrs. Socrates said about that?

Well, her name (Xanthippe) is used to mean a nagging shrew, so draw your own conclusions.

heh, BP, the beard thing is most amusing... I had similar conversations w/ my ex...

the thing is, once you are with a woman there are a ton of things that you might have done one way or another, but you seriously don't CARE about them. And I was raised to pick your battles based on what really matters to you.

That meant that my ex would want me to change something, and I'd :shrug: OK... I 'dun care. Clothes are armor for me to wear, but I don't ACTUALLY care what they look like as long as they are ARMOR.

But see... this becomes a habit, and after a while my ex couldn't help but demand that I change stuff for no other reason than she wanted me to. The few things that I refused to change brought some fairly big rows, but ultimately I won them.

And I realized after the divorce, that what my ex was 'hiding' as Amy pointed out... was that she likes to fight.

I don't. So all along, me accommodating, caused my wife-at-the-time to lose whatever little respect she had for me. Even while we were discussing how she hated it when her parents fought.

The takeaway is that you DON'T have to challenge everything, on either party, you just have to remember that other person IS NOT YOU.

I think this is the crux of what Amy mentions about guys being uncomplicated... we each look at the other full of our own Point of View, and understandings, and just don't get why the other person can't see it that way.
So the question is, can we run with that? Can we look at the other person and say: "OK, so I don't understand, can you enlighten me?"

And then we start the navigation of minefields where the other person doesn't really have a reason, they just want things done their way, and they get irked if you ask stupid questions like "why?" But that'd be another horse altogether.

My first wife, of 19 years, wouldn't tell me what was bothering her. Not even in marriage counseling. So how was I supposed to fix it? I couldn't. So I bailed. For my sanity. As I left, she told me she was a very private person and I would never know her. Too bad, cuz she had many good qualities.

My current wife is a sweetie, in her own odd way. Her favorite thing to call me is "Stupid", which she does all the time. But she says it in a way that really means "I love you". I have never met a woman so sweet and sunny and even-tempered. If I do something stupid, she just belts out "Stupid!" without a trace of anger, and that's the end of that. She rarely thanks me for anything, unless I "fish" for an acknowledgement, and then she humors me. No problem. Her sweet sunny disposition day-in day-out is my real thanks. She is a gem.

The Beard story was great. These "little" things are screening tests for a relationship. My wife prefers my beard to be short -- and she is willing to do the work of trimming it for me. On the other hand, I like for her to cook homemade meals regularly -- and I will do the dishes for her.

In my experience, people will treat you the way that you let them treat you. If you insist on the appropriate level of respect from the very beginning and enforce it, you'll get it.

No is an excellent word. Being alone is not the worst thing in life. Not even close.

"You need find a good one first, then go from there"

All of this!

Much like Amy has talked about, I had a very hard time sticking up for myself as a young adult, although for different reasons. (Short version: I had a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive home life.)

Despite that, I knew what i wanted out of a partner, and I was cognizant enough to stay essentially single until I found what I was looking for. (I went on a bunch of first dates; how else do you meet and start getting to know people?) Despite still being a pretty big wimp when we met, I knew my now hubby was (and still is) a good one. He encouraged me to communicate however I needed to when things were bothering me. What wound up working was for me to write it down if he said or did something that bothered me, and then we would discuss it.
Sometime six months to a year later (I don't know exactly) I stopped needing to fume silently, and started saying, "don't do that," or, "that bothers me," when the offense occurred.
The fact that he never made fun of me, and listened once I started being direct, helped immensely with my being able to stick up for myself with other people.

My lady always thanked me for everything. And I did my best to support her, no matter what. And that went to a near fisticuffs with her new SIL who thought he had control of her the day after the wedding.

She understood that my mind reading license had expired years ago and the renewal was doubtful. That is why we talked out issues.

After reading this, I know that I've done everything wrong both ways. Lol.

Perhaps it would have just been easier to find so someone with whom I saw eye-to-eye.

I assumed that everyone did things the way my family did it - the right way. When my husband did everything wrong. I tried to teach him, work with him on a comprise, scold him, punish him, and then I finally just took over everything. I didn't want him to touch anything. Controlling much?

Of course, I think that he was manipulative too. No one is that incompetent.

Finally, I grew ill and I had to relinquish some control and get help. I try my damnest to show appreciation. Sometimes I almost feel naseated when I see things done a "different way" I no longer say a word unless I am thanking him. He is actually starting to do some things right. I know that sounds negative, but I would be so happy if he would just wash his hands and avoid washing whites with red or black. We are making progress. I know that he's left more than a few loads sorted.

Study: Men with attractive wives more satisfied in marriage.

http://houston.cbslocal.com/2013/11/20/study-men-with-attractive-wives-more-satisfied-in-marriage/

Maybe I'm easily amused but when I clicked the link Ken R posted, I found this link underneath.

http://lafemmemondaine.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/time-is-a-gift-if-someone-gives-you-theirs-make-sure-they-know-youre-grateful/

The beard stuff is cracking me up. My ex-GF did a lot of stuff wrong, but one thing she did right was she would tell me that I looked younger and sexier when I shaved, and when I did shave, she'd back up the "sexier" comment with action (IYKWIM).

So I never minded shaving for her.

It is a rare woman who appreciates her man for anything. The "girl world" worldview is that they are superior creatures who deserve to have things done for them because they have a vagina.

"If it makes you men feel better-many times these type of women tend to be the exact same way with their daughters. I think it's partly why it keeps cycling generation wise. "

I totally believe that because I've seen it in action. More generally, "cycle of violence" may be a cliche, but there's still a lot of truth to it. If you grew up in a dysfunctional household, then unless you make a conscious decision that you're going to break the pattern, you are likely to continue it.

The appreciation thing is what I tell my friends is the secret to my absolutely blissful marriage! I genuinely appreciate my husband for everything he does this includes thank yous and shows of affection. As a result my husband wakes up early and does the dishes (He gets up at 4am!) or brings me breakfast in bed while keeping the kids quiet! He actually looks for things he can do to make me happy because he loves the appreciation (We have a similar currency for appreciation :) ) He also is the MAN in our relationship and I think many men feel emasculated. I think you can be a strong woman and still be in a relationship with a man!

"Eric, that's a dreadful story - didn't they care about his health?"

Charles, that particular scenario sounds pretty sociopathic to me, and it looks like they get away with that kind of thing because of a lot of gender stereotypes - men are supposed to be strong and silent, women get to set bahavior standards for men, that kind of thing. But they both sound pretty twisted to me.

My husband and my relationship is pretty uncomplicated. I ask him to do something, he does it. He asks me to do something, I do it. I don't know what his perspective is, but I offer criticism only when something is really bothers me.

Posted by: NikkiG at November 21, 2013 2:24 PM
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Good rule, that last one.

I mean, should I keep quiet when someone puts visibly dirty dishes in the drainer (NOT the dishwasher?) By "visibly," I mean the dirt is visible from five feet away. Or when someone keeps putting paper, plastic, glass and metal into the garbage, because he's never recycled in his life?