Countertop Sex And Other Unrealities From Hollywood
I always marvel at those scenes where they're doing it on the countertop and they just let all the dishes and blenders and things go flying.
Joyce Wadler writes in The New York Times, "There's a Place for Us, Just Not the Kitchen":
It was about a form of movie sex I think of as the Countertop Heave: The leading man, too passionate to wait or perhaps hoping to grab a snack afterward, lifts the lady he desires onto a kitchen countertop and does the deed there. I know, from years of being on the home-design beat, that Americans are crazy about their kitchens, particularly if there's been a recent renovation. But I also know that the standard floor-to-countertop height is 36 inches.You would have to be a pro basketball player to consummate. You would also have to make room, swatting the Hurom juicer and smoothie maker and the Jura cappuccino machine to the floor and risking breakage. And believe me, the people who have this stuff would rather give up sex.
Still, the '70s were a simpler time, so I ran it past the boyfriend:
"You ever make love to a woman where you lift her up and put her on the kitchen counter?"
"Never," he said.
"What about that thing where you pick them up and they wrap their legs around you and you walk around the apartment doing it?" I asked. "That kind of lift-and-carry maneuver?"
"You're kidding, right?" he said.
Why would I be kidding? It seems to me that half the Academy Award nominees include a lift and carry, or maybe "The Wolf of Wall Street" was just very long.
O.K., I know what you're thinking: Nobody takes the kind of sex they have in the movies seriously. It's entertainment. They do that thing where the guy is carrying the woman around the apartment without fear of S.T.D.'s because it's cinematic. Everyone knows that if you tried it in real life, you would be on the phone the next day booking percutaneous disk surgery.
The other kind of unbelievable sex is the kind where the guy rips your bra off. Mine cost over $100 each (though I try to get them on sale when I'm in Paris). Tread lightly! Unhook with care! As if you are tending to a wounded baby bird.
And then get back to the more vigorous action!
I've had the lift and carry exactly once. It was hotter than hell
It worked because I was a size 4 at the time and he was 6'5"and weighed about 200-210 and worked a physically demanding job, so I was light as a feather to him.
Be still my heart!
Jen at March 7, 2014 2:46 AM
And if the horror movies had it correctly, everyone who has sex will be hacked to death with a machete during the act. Talk about encouraging abstinence!
Patrick at March 7, 2014 4:09 AM
Only tried it once and it did not work out the way I planned.
(Was in the hallway's door entrance.)
Bob in Texas at March 7, 2014 6:08 AM
Does the hood of a car in a garage count? Asking for a friend...
Also: just bend her over the counter. Wut? oh, right, PIV is alway rape. Gotcha.
I R A Darth Aggie at March 7, 2014 6:34 AM
Countertop works for me, but I'm 6'4" with 36" inseam. The real trick is that it requires a LOT of open counter space to be comfortable and to keep the sharp utensils and greasy stuff away, then it's pretty fun and a great change-up. In my younger, stronger days the lift & carry worked too, also very fun, it's just a little too risky now.
bkmale at March 7, 2014 7:17 AM
"The other kind of unbelievable sex is the kind where the guy rips your bra off."
Except on network tv, where women almost always keep their bras on in bed.
Pricklypear at March 7, 2014 7:24 AM
Yeah 36in inseam and was a swimmer, water polo player, good legs and back so the lift worked, but always looked for a wall ala sonny in GF
Piper at March 7, 2014 7:55 AM
Kitchen table, ala Bull Durham, is more usual than countertop. Does Wadler name any movies in which the countertop is the scene?
KateC at March 7, 2014 8:09 AM
I always wonder if those scenes are actually a product placement for some company selling granite countertops.
MIke at March 7, 2014 8:14 AM
Velcro Bra Closures. I'm just sayin'. . . . (grin)
Actually, I remember my college girlfriend. She loved front-closure bras. About the only improvement I would have made. . . was velcro . . .
Keith Glass at March 7, 2014 8:40 AM
Yeah, women's clothes are delicate and expensive. I was furious with an ex who yanked a white silky top off over my head before I could stop him, smearing it with my makeup. I was trying to remove it carefully, and in his passion he grabbed it and pulled hard.
If anyone ever ripped my shirt open so the buttons popped off (as seen in movies), I would halt the proceedings instead of having sex with an idiot.
Insufficient Poison at March 7, 2014 8:43 AM
I agree with the guy who said kitchen table.
My wife and I had a strong (Ethan Allen) credenza which she would sit on and the height was perfect. However, kitchen sex can be fun if you're in a sexy food fight mood. Just watch out for slippery floors. Never used the kitchen counters though.
Also tried the top of our grand piano but we were both afraid we'd roll off.
Pete at March 7, 2014 8:43 AM
5'10 here, have no problem doing the lift-and-walk, and the women have ranged from 5'6 to 5'11.
The kitchen countertops are just too tall. Fun place to start, but only freaks on pituitary overdrive can utilize them properly.
I'm talking to you, NBA.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 7, 2014 8:50 AM
Countertops are awesome. Just bend her over and go in from behind.
Frank at March 7, 2014 8:52 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/03/countertop-sex.html#comment-4341303">comment from FrankFrank, at least, has a solid command of physics!
Amy Alkon
at March 7, 2014 9:10 AM
Serious?
No, NO-ONE ever does it THAT WAY!?!
um, right. What a stupid article. As many ways as there are, it's been done. You PERSONALLY may not have, but SOMEBODY has.
Lift and carry? A number of times. :bigstupidgrin:
Heh, Broke a counter once. Other times, the height is right for a cunning linguist...
How 'bout the front seat of an old pickup... not the new ones that are like cars. But something cranped, small, and with a gear shifter TOTALLY in the wrong place. I'll remember the charliehorse in my thigh forever.
Sound like we have a failure of imagination, here.
As for undergarment removal, if you can't do it one handed, you need to practice, hoss. Find a suitable partner, and make it worth her while, and she'll let you. Even with the industrial 5 hook models, it just takes a bit longer.
If you get really good at it, you may help her out every time, just because it's easier.
Also, one thing leads to another, so...
SwissArmyD at March 7, 2014 9:32 AM
Forget the gymnastic moves for a minute; how about stuff like satin sheets which can be quite slippery so that one or both of you slide out of bed? Or on the floor and one of you ends up with rug burn? Or on a camping trip and you end up knocking down the tent, in the rain?
Charles at March 7, 2014 10:34 AM
"You would also have to make room, swatting the Hurom juicer and smoothie maker and the Jura cappuccino machine to the floor and risking breakage."
The Postman Always Rings Twice. Just sayin'.
And who was the baseball player who had to go on the disabled list after he cut his finger open while removing a woman's bra?
Cousin Dave at March 7, 2014 12:04 PM
Any points for doing it on the living room couch?
Jim Simon at March 7, 2014 12:46 PM
http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-7-most-preposterous-sexual-positions-people-claim-to-use/
Sosij at March 7, 2014 2:57 PM
I don't see the problem here...
Yay, us!
Radwaste at March 7, 2014 6:40 PM
Charles - the opposite of the slippery satin sheets problem? Flannel pajamas on flannel sheets. Like velcro. One of winter's best hazards :)
Michelle at March 7, 2014 7:45 PM
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm more than willing to sleep in the wet spot as long as she enjoyed herself and I get to hold her in my arms.
The rest of the secual adventure is probably doubtful.
Jim P. at March 7, 2014 9:04 PM
Our kids weren't born yet when we bought our first house. A walk up attic, 3 bedrooms, 2 sun rooms, bathroom, half bath, LR, DR, Kitchen and 3 rooms in the basement. We made a point to do it in each room. We had to paint the unfinished basement floor before we consummated there. And we skipped the creepy room in the basement with the coal chute.
Goo at March 8, 2014 5:22 AM
I always wonder if those scenes are actually a product placement for some company selling granite countertops.
Yep, nothing sells the ol' countertops like picturing them covered in bodily fluids.
mpetrie98 at March 9, 2014 7:35 PM
Leave a comment