A few hours? Then 6 months? Jeeeeze. What's up with the extremes? What about a happy medium? Like 3 or 4 dates? What about it depends on the guy and her feelings for him? I'm sorry, but this woman is not very bright.

Would I wait 6 months? Not likely, but it would depend on the woman and my feelings for her.

I married a very wise woman. A few dates in, she didn't initiate sex, but her body language suggested she was up for it. I took the hint. 10 years later, we're still on our honeymoon.

Me personally it would be hard to wait that long if I'm in a relationship,being a single mom and not dating because harder to do that with children so it's been forever since I have been with anyone so to date and then put that restriction on myself and the man too.I agree with you,if she has this limit then breaks it she will feel bad and if she doesn't sleep with the man he could end up walking depending on him etc..maybe a suggestion would be to maybe not rush it but maybe let it happen naturally with no pressure on herself

And I agree Jim

What Jim Simon said:

"What about it depends on the guy and her feelings for him?"

And yep, I agree by setting up such a rule; she'll either break her pledge to herself and feel bad or chase away guys she tells it to.

No.

I don't think I'd have sex with someone who makes New Year's Resolutions. The practice is at best archaic and at worst irresponsible; waiting for a special day to stop doing something you ostensibly find vicious implies spending lot of time behaving in a way inconsistent with your own values. Furthermore, I think the swing between a few hours and half a year indicates a profound underlying neurosis about sex and chastity - the kind of screaming alert klaxon that tells me that no matter how hard I try I'm not going to get my time's worth out of this relationship.

Really, this woman's sunk coming out the gate. She needs therapy or a personality transplant.

um, yeah, MUCH deeper seated issues here, than WHEN.

Sort of like buying ice cream, and then not eating it to prove you have willpower... it's not the best way to do it.

Maybe talk to a therapist that can get the talk about WHY she needs the extreme validations...

most guys wouldn't wait, unless there is something really worth waiting for, or some issue to be worked.

The problem is, there are so many that wish to control things this way, and then end up being control freaks, people have been burned.

What's to say waiting will somehow produce a better mating?? It's just a sh*t test then.

Better for her to get her mind straight, and THEN make these sorts of choices. If she's been too willing in the past, she's prolly been burned a lot from that... maybe she doesn't know what a good relationship even looks like, so that she can make up her mind, when the right time is.

I wouldn't date a guy who made me wait 6 months without a damn good reason like recovery from some horrible accident or illness that required it for his health (I do have a heart).

Why would I wait longer than any other guy? My sticking around is not going to be based on how much time I invest---that's the fallacy of sunk costs.

I would stick around if I got the kind of sex I like, if she cooks for me, and is a good conversationalist. In essence, someone who can take care of me and cares about me. But girls who jump into bed quickly don't usually have much to offer. They're generally just looking for attention, to be a passive object.

I'm amazed nobody went for the low-hanging fruit of "no sex for six months = marriage after the first year" or equivalent joke.

This chick needs more help than anyone can give.

Things I would think if I saw this happen:
1 - she is a liar and is just saying she made the resolution
2 - she made the resolution to manipulate people with her crotch
3 - she is a cock tease, I would never get any even after 6 months

I feel zero sympathy for her, I hope she regrets it and dies an old sexless woman, 6 months at a time.

What i would say if I was told this...
"OK, I am going to go home and jack off, don't call me back." -- I am rude to rude people.

This is not saying I won't wait, I do to make sure I am not with a crazy person, but someone who straight up says no nookie because I made a resolution (instead of basing it on feeling ready like normal people)... well... read 1-3 above.

I hate to say it, but this is the sort of discussion that makes me sympathize with those who choose to court and not date. (For those who don't know, that's when BOTH sides are looking for someone to marry, thus eliminating any possible misunderstandings. Traditionally, it's religious, so that means saving sex for marriage too.)

Or those who, at least, don't plan on having sex with anyone unless moving in together is in the cards, on the grounds that it's more romantic. (Especially if it helps you avoid those partners who give you incurable diseases, who are con artists, who don't really want to get together outside of the bedroom, or who don't do what you'd hoped for in the event of an unintended pregnancy - this applies to both sexes.)

After all, if things turn out badly, at least you can say to yourself "well, at least we didn't have sex." (I'm sure some men feel that way too, IF not most.)

I agree she shouldn't be telling men about her six-month plan in advance. Unfortunately, while any serious etiquette book will tell you that, male or female, you are not obliged to explain why you won't date/have sex with/marry any particular person, too many people now see it as bad manners if you DON'T drop some hints about your sexual policy at least. (Besides, of course, if you're saving yourself for marriage, you need to at least imply that and not give so-and-so the idea that you're saying "go away"!)

I mean, given how many different lifestyles we have these days - including single adults who say they just don't care for sex at all, even if it means giving up any hope of marriage, why can't we also make room for those who may not be religious, but who very much want a certain level of commitment before having sex?

NakkiNyan said -- "I feel zero sympathy for her, I hope she regrets it and dies an old sexless woman, 6 months at a time."

----

Wow. Really?

I was going to comment on the woman's situation but after reading the comments already posted, I think some of you people have issues just as bad, if not worse than Six-Month-Sally.

By the way, they are doing incredible things with medication these days. Check it out.

I can't find it right now, but Miss Manners had a section in one of her 1980s(?) books in which she expressed annoyance at those who wanted to know how to ask your date if she/he has a disease. As she's said often: "The trouble with strangers is that one doesn't know anything about them."

Funny thing is, though, while she admitted that even virginity won't protect a bride from any STDs the parent-approved groom brings to the wedding night (often unknowingly, of course), she didn't say how a modest, conservative young lady like that is SUPPOSED to ask in advance "have you had the doctor check you out for...ummm..." !

"She's written to me before over the years and I know who she is. She's lusty and tends to leap into bed; "

This isn't me!

No seriously though people tend to go to extremes all the time in regards to love.

I have a friend who got cheated on and now her and her husband are not allowed to engage opposite sex people. Her husband was not the one that cheated btw.

This woman can find a man to wait six months but he will have some major issues.

Why not 3 months? My therapist says that's when the honeymoon period is over and you really know the person. That is not my policy because I have to visually like the look of the guys cock. I can't be with a guy whose pee pee I don't like looking at.

As a woman you have to trust your gut if sleeping with someone too early hurts your feelings. It either does or it doesn't. It either feels right or it doesn't. Sounds like it's hurting her.

I think there would have to be some seriously extenuating circumstances for me to agree to such oddly specific terms.

For example, why six months and not four months (or a year)?

It's one thing for someone to say they won't have sex until they're married. Agree or not with the sentiment, it is, at least, a clearly defined boundary predicated on a specific event.

But this kind of very specific time frame kind of makes me wonder about the mindset. What is the justification for six months, vs five or six dates (or even a decision to become a committed couple)?

It might not be likely, but it could be possible, that someone of this bent could find someone they choose to marry (or otherwise start a committed relationship with) before the benchmark time, and yet would still feel compelled to honor the arbitrarily defined sex schedule, which, when it comes down to it, would probably sabotage the relationship.

I agree that indiscriminately (or just quickly) jumping into bed with someone generally doesn't offer the best results, but arbitrary hard and fast rules don't strike me as offering much of an improvement on the situation.

Hmmmm. Maybe one day there will be a quick, simple test for STDs you can take 'live' at the beginning of a first date. Let's say you are dining at a nice restaurant, as you are enjoying that opening glass of wine, you each discretely put a little test strip on your tongue, and by the time the food arrives you know what's up. It would be like a STD fortune cookie that you get to reveal and share.

Hehe. Not very romantic though.

Any guy who agrees to this (and isn't a eunuch) will cheat on her. She can take it to the bank.

"I have a friend who got cheated on and now her and her husband are not allowed to engage opposite sex people. Her husband was not the one that cheated btw."

I'v read this three times, and I think I'm getting farther away from understanding it.

While dating my first wife, I waited over a year. (Granted, it was 1967 and we were both virgins.)

While dating the woman I was engaged to between marriages, I waited 4 months, and would have waited longer had she wanted to.

I'm not likely to be doing any more dating in this life, but if I did, I'd be willing to wait as long as the woman wanted to. These days, however, I don't think many of them want to wait anything close to 6 months.

there are some who call me 'Tim?' -- I agree with what you said. Nice name, btw. ;) If I'm going out with somebody that I'm really attracted to, and they feel the same about me, and we are both honest and comfortable with each other, I cannot see putting any hard and fast rules on our relationship. No sex for 6 months? That's too specific. And it might actually be unhealthy for the relationship. Assuming we are seeing each other regularly, sharing personal and intimate thoughts, and neither of us is a slut... just let it be. When it happens, it happens.

Granted, at my age I'm not the hit-it and quit-it type guy. I'm generally attracted to women I feel could be a long term mate. And I try to avoid sluts. So... my views might be a bit old fashioned.

That's not to say I dislike all sluts or slutty behavior. Ideally, she would be a lady in public, and act like a dirty filthy horny slut in private, but with me only.

OK, I might need to stop visiting this site. lol

I'm on the side of she should talk to someone before setting this idea out.

I can understand it if she was coming out of a bad marriage or LTR and waiting for her to stabilize. If she needs to get her feet under herself and is working towards trying to be her own person, a few months makes sense.

But it sounds like she is jumping from one bad relationship to the next. She needs to take six months or a year and be alone. Then once she gets to know herself then go back to dating.

I am not Tim -- yes really. Anyone who is going to, intentionally, be a cock tease deserves it. If I met someone like that I would take her for figuring out if I am willing enough to pay for her services.

I don't need medication, there is something seriously wrong with her. Something I have dealt with in the past, one was in it for free drinks and meals while another was raped as a kid.

Amy Alkon -- I know that you say "This woman is not a liar." but I would have no idea who she was. If I just met her and after a couple months of dating and her showing interest in sex (there is no way she will restrain that too) said "sorry, you have to wait 4 more months"; I would walk out, validly thinking, she just wants 4 more months of something from me. Setting a date like that sounds exactly like "I will date you 6 months and dump you", do I really have to wait to find out for sure or can I move onto someone sane and tell my friends she is just going to lead them on like some sort of game? Basically you are past her "6 month trust" mark.

To be fair, I was willing, up to a point, to deal with the woman who was raped as a kid but she turned out to have other serious issues. One of which included cheating on multiple people at the same time, I doubt they had sex with her either but it is still cheating.

I have a friend who got cheated on and now her and her husband are not allowed to engage opposite sex people. Her husband was not the one that cheated btw.

I'm confused. If your freinds husband did not cheat, then how was she cheated on while married to him?

NakkiNyan said -- "To be fair, I was willing, up to a point, to deal with the woman who was raped as a kid"
------

Is that right? Gee, that was very generous of you.

Oh by the way, do you have any idea how f*cked up that statement sounds?

Also, just because Six-Month-Sally is having a personal crisis does not necessarily mean she's being a cock tease. She's got some issues to work thru. We all do. But your comments seem to ignore all female perspective and reduce them to nothing but sexual objects.

Dude, listen, I know less about women than probably anybody who visits this site, but I'm pretty sure most of them are not looking for a total @sshole.

"finding real love and having real love in her life."

Where is she looking? I would think that should play a bigger part of her search than some "rule" she makes up.

Amy, now that you've given more of her background I can see why she has made this rule; but, I agree she is expecting too much of herself. And expecting too much from the guys.

I would also say, perhaps, she should not place the emphasis on sex; instead she should be looking for a good companion and let the sex follow whether it be 6 dates, or 6 months later.

If she is genuinely interesting, pays for half the dates, and doesn't require me to be celibate or stop seeing other people - dating without commitment - sure, why not? Will I commit to her prior to sex? Doubtful.

Possibly. Depends on the man. Takes more time for some relationships to develop.

However, when you set deadlines like "no sex for six months". It seems that the reason it is done is because you don't trust your own judgment, to determine when you are ready for intimacy.

Setting a time line like this, appears to be an act of desperation by someone who is second guessing the reasons behind a string of failed relationships.

She is trying for some control here, but chances are good, that the jumping into the sack too soon, is symptomatic of her increasing desperation, and the no sex for six months ploy isn't going to solve this.

Ppen nailed it ...

This woman can find a man to wait six months but he will have some major issues.

------------

What type of man, with what type of issues, would agree to that? If you make that type of rule, that's the type of man you're gonna get. Is that what you want?

No. Question answered. Although if some guy does wait, I hope the six month mark is celebrated with some incredible, fantastic, borderline illegal sex!

"If she is genuinely interesting, pays for half the dates, and doesn't require me to be celibate or stop seeing other people - dating without commitment - sure, why not?"

She has to find you interesting too, and not just because you're not fucking someone else tonight. Way to miss the point.

I'm amazed nobody went for the low-hanging fruit of "no sex for six months = marriage after the first year" or equivalent joke.

It was about the first thing I wrote in my notes. I'm all about low-hanging fruit.

Just like the resolution to exercise every day from now on will not work if you have been a couch potato, neither will this. Start with a smaller goal...like not having sex during the first date. Once some success is achieved you can try to make it past the second date, etc.

I was going to say "Hell, no," but Matt pointed out that it didn't mean _I_ had to be celibate.

So the answer is: "Sure, but don't expect me to be lonely, Scarlett."

A specific time frame like six months makes the person sound flaky. Where on earth does six months come from? Why should we abide by an arbitrary rule you made up before we even met?

I think a better guideline is "when we have agreed we're seeing each other exclusively."

I was in a relationship where we agreed to wait for an entire month (or something like that) even though we were seeing each other several times a week. The "waiting" just turned into an all-consuming sex game, which was super hot, but then after we finally had sex a few times, we realized we weren't compatible as a couple at ALL. We'd both been sticking around, distracted from our differences as we focused on the eventual sex we both craved.

>>She has to find you interesting too, and not just because you're not fucking someone else tonight. Way to miss the point.

Well, I did assume that if she wanted to date me for 6 months, she'd do so because she found me interesting as well. The question wasn't "would I date her exclusively and forgo sex for 6 months," was it? Because the answer to that was "Doubtful." Not sure what point you think I missed. Right now you're coming across as pretty obtuse yourself.

The real issue for her isn't the sex per se. The real issue is: why is she throwing herself at men she's just met? Now, I appreciate a lusty lady as much as the next guy, but that doesn't answer the question. I'm guessing there are some feelings of inadequacy there; she feels like that's what she has to do or else a man isn't going to be interested in her. Low sense of self-worth, at least in regard to relationships.

And that's the thing she really has to work on. A sex deadline is just putting a band-aid on the problem. I get what she's trying to do, but it's likely to be counter-productive; she can achieve 90% of the effect she wants by just avoiding sex on the first date. Six months is a long time even by the old standards, much less today's; it may make even an understanding guy feel like he's being played, and then if she gives in, she'll hate herself for it afterwards. So if she wants to make a rule, just to have a touch point for guiding her own behavior, it should be like this:

First date is a proper date. He picks her up, takes her somewhere, they have fun, he drops her off, goodnight kiss. She does not go to his place and he does not enter her place. Nothing past first base; no clothing removed.

Second date and aftewards, go with what feels right.

Nope, I wouldn't wait. Hours = too soon, 6 months = too long.

I waited on sex in the past. Because I was a chump who actually thought women were honest about their interest in me. I ignored my own sexual needs in order not to chase the women away, thinking my own sexuality was something shameful.

After having four women sleep with another guy while they're "dating" me, I wised up.

Some woman says she'll wait six months before sex? She's just not saying the last two words going through her mind - "with you."

I was a bit of a tart. Eventually, when I got to the settling down stage, the guys I met were the ones who took it slow. Before I was ready to settle, if some guy had waited three dates to kiss me I would have said, "Next!" But when I was ready to settle down, while the slow moves did make me feel a bit insecure, the guys who were moving so slowly were the ones who were serious about settling down, too.

So mind you aren't saying "Next!" to the slow guys.

I'll add that sex columnist Dan Savage may have had a point when he said, in effect, that waiting until marriage can be more of a risk than it's worth. After all, you don't want to have to go through the hassle of a divorce from someone whose ideas of good sex leave you crying on the bathroom floor on a regular basis - or someone who just plain doesn't care what YOUR top sexual needs are, and trying to get all that straightened out before even beginning a sex life together may well be almost impossible.

Regarding the latter, one simple example is someone who wants oral sex but Will Not Reciprocate. Another, from Dear Abby (in 1971):

Dear Abby: I`m not saying this to boast, but I am 25, my figure is 37-25-36 and I have won several beauty contests. Two years ago, I married what everyone (including myself) thought was a prize. He was 30, handsome, college- educated, rosy future, etc.

Well, this ``prize`` has made love to me exactly five times in the last six months! (Twice he came right out and told me it was to shut me up!) I`ve tried every trick in the book. Once I even gift-wrapped myself in Saran wrap and greeted him at the door with a martini. And he said, ``Hi. What`s for supper?``

I told him he should see a doctor, and he said I should see one to find out why I am never satisfied! Any suggestions?

Practically Untouched in Tulsa

Dear Untouched: You're tetched to put up with it. And if your husband doesn't see a doctor, you should see a lawyer.

(end)

Of course, the man may be gay, but either way, most would say he's being unfair.

Oh, one other thing: When I read that as a young teen (in the 1980s book "The Best of Dear Abby" - the book didn't include his rude comment in the second paragraph) I didn't really understand what she was complaining about, since I thought: "Well, why is five times in six months necessarily so paltry?"

The voice of inexperience, in other words - or, in some minds, the female perspective.

From a well-known 1977 movie, in two separate therapists' offices:

Therapist: Do you have sex often?

Man: Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.

Therapist: How often do you sleep together?

Woman: Constantly. I'd say three times a week.

This post has (by far) the most comments among Amy's recent blog entries. Apparently sex is hot topic. Who knew??

I'm all about low-hanging fruit.

Theres a blow job joke somewhere in there