Amy, I will be ordering the book as soon as the bank fairy shows up (aka, payday!)

As to the phone calls, my parents and I would spontaneously call and chat for no reason in particular. Towards the end of his life, I would call my Dad with a happy friday once a week at least. What I would give for one of those spontaneous calls now.

I wouldn't say it's always rude (because nothing compels me to answer), but, yes, the spontaneous call can be annoying. And, honestly, I will almost always respond more quickly to a text than I will a call. Because, with a call, I have no idea if it's going to take 15 minutes of my time (which I may not have), or if it's just a quick, "Hey, want to see this movie?" thing. So I don't answer, and I'll wait until I have 15 minutes to call back, which might take a day or more.

The only people I spontaneously call (and answer spontaneous calls from) are my parents (because they don't text) and my two best friends, because we have a tradition of randomly calling each other to chat and catch up whenever we have a spare moment.

That said, long text conversations that accomplish nothing are just as annoying, so, if I'm caught up in one, I usually just pick up the damn phone, call the person and hammer down the plans. For example, a friend and I were planning a hiking expedition by text, and I didn't want to spend 20 minutes typing out complicated directions to the trailhead with my thumbs, so I just called.

>>the default position on phoning people should be what I have deemed the "Do Not Ever Call" rule.

Maybe it is because I am not under 40, but this really doesn't seem right. Calling someone on the phone is rude these days? If you don't want to talk to me or hear why I am calling don't pick up the bloody phone, but don't suggest I'm being rude for calling a friend, whatever the reason. Since half my friends don't text, and who knows when they might get to their email, this isn't practical in any case. What, you want me to send a letter? Pretty useless advice for me. I'm gonna have to give it a fail.

I am also not bothered in the least when a friend calls me. If I'm busy, I say so and arrange for a better time to chat.

However I do hate it when charities call asking for donations and when I get robo-called.

>> I do not want to be the recipient of phone calls during the day -- ever -- unless there's an emergency.

While I agree that calling a person such as yourself, who does not want to be called, is indeed rude if you are aware of the situation, I disagree that it should be, by default, rude to call someone just because you do not know for certain that they want to be called.

I like the text-only people. It's like they're telling me, yeah, we can communicate, but only on my terms, my times, my interests, my methods.

In other words, they're telling me not to bother.

So I don't. Plenty of adults out there with a complete set of communications skills I can do business with, socialize with, and enjoy.

Why waste time on a text-addled typing monkey?

If you don't want to talk to me or hear why I am calling don't pick up the bloody phone, but don't suggest I'm being rude for calling a friend...

I think that's fair. If you KNOW someone doesn't like to be called, then continuing to do so is rude. But using the phone for what it's for? Not rude, in and of itself. If the person you're calling is annoyed, they don't have to answer. Sure, I groaned and rolled my eyes when a friend called while my boyfriend and I were watching a movie on Friday (the first time we'd had to relax together in two weeks). But I didn't think, "Gosh, how rude. How DARE he call!" Instead, I thought, "Well, I'm NOT answering THAT" as I pushed a button to reject the call.

The only time it's rude, I think, is when someone doesn't pick up, and you call back again within the same day (and it's not an emergency). I had a friend who did that often, and, when I finally picked up, she'd go, "Oh, THERE you are! It's about time! Now let me tell you about my awful date last night..."

It really depends on the individual and age is only somewhat of a good indicator. I know an approximately equal number of people who hate to text messages - it really is just as interrupting (to within personal preference). I actually find people can be more demanding about txts...thinking you can (and should) answer them anywhere.

I only know one person who communicates by tweeting.
Email and facebook seem like interesting problems. If on phone they can beep or whatever and then be like a txt or a phone call. Or some people basically ignore them or very slow to reply...making an immediate need a much bigger window...with my team lead its about 4 days. If I want a response within a few days I need to call or IM him. Sometimes I send him an email and then an IM to read the email..that works too.

I'd also add that it's probably rude to call someone when you know they're at work/working. As Amy points out, calling conveys an "I need to talk to you NOW urgency" that you should never put on someone when they're concentrating on work. Significant others and kids, obviously, are probably exceptions to this rule.

I agree with Amy. When my phone rings, it's either business or an emergency. The exception is my parents, with whom I regularly have phone conversations. My dad will text if he's got info to impart that doesn't require a lot of discussion, but my mom doesn't text. She does, however, know, because I trained her, not to expect me to pick up every time she calls or to call her back immediately unless she leaves a message indicating there's an emergency.

My friends and I (late 20s - late 30s)communicate via text and facebook. I have one friend with whom I normally text who calls out of the blue from time to time; somehow it's always inconvenient for me when he does, and I don't pick up. Instead, I text him when I have a minute to let him know I'm busy and he should try again at x o'clock.

When my phone rings, it's either business or an emergency. The exception is my parents, with whom I regularly have phone conversations.

Same here. My cellphone gives me a million free minutes a month. I use about 30 of them in all.

My bete noire is office voicemail. Please, please, please send an email. I don't want to log in, listen to your message, call you back and start a game of phone tag...

Some of Amy's politeness rules seem to me to come out of her ADD-ness. I don't much mind being phoned (by people I know), or having bulk Facebook posts, or spam emails because I just ignore them. I think it has been valuable reading Amy to recognize how distracting some of these things can be if you are ADD. I think (I hope) it has made me more patient with my mother.

My friends and I (late 20s - late 30s)communicate via text and facebook.

This can also go the other way. My cousin and his wife were surprised when they showed up at my parents' house to visit and no one was home. They had sent a message via Facebook and thought that was enough. Generally, however, if you want to make sure people in their 60s know you are planning to visit, you had better pick up the phone.

I myself do not care who calls when. Rather than go to message I often just pick up and say now is not good can we talk a different time. This probably has something to do with my sales career where a call potentially meant that someone needed something.

The excerpt from the book sounds like it is ALWAYS rude to call and I can't agree with that. When Amy qualified it saying" (there's actually more about this in the book -- noting that some people are fine with calls)", it seems OK to me.

I came in Saturday and dropped my phone on the table by the door and didn't pick it up until this morning. I check my email and fb once or twice a day, but if you want a timely answer to something, you had better call me.

My wife has an old fashioned phone with a numeric keypad that she keeps for emergencies only. If you text her, you will wait a long time as she labouriously presses number 2 three times to get a "c", etc.

I would consider it rude for anyone who knows her well to want a text conversation with her.

It's of course not ALWAYS rude to call and the section does not say that. I can't publish the whole section, however, so I just published a snippet.

I don't mind being called, and I'm under 40. In fact, I HATE text messages for making plans, it takes too long for the person to respond if there's back and forth about times and things like that. I also hate the assumption that I always have my cell phone on me and charged and must be available to answer texts at all times. Also, it costs money and phone calls don't. If you want to make plans with me, an initial text is fine but to hash out details like "How's 12? No? How about 11:30 then?" and back and forth, phone is better.

The worst is when someone texts me and my phone is downstairs, so I don't see it, and so hours later I answer, and then they answer an hour later, and this whole thing could have been resolved in under five minutes if they'd just frickin' called me to begin with.

The exception to this was when my kid was little I HATED getting phone calls after 6, because we were working through the routine of dinner, bedtime, etc and there were a couple rough spots during the first year or so where phone calls would wake her up.

If you nap during the day, turn your phone off.

Which I suppose I could have done with my kid.

I think it's rude to send texts to a person unless you know for a fact they get them for free. Mine are 30 centimes each, giving OR receiving. If you're running up my phone bill, you are being obnoxious.

This is especially true in the States when I have a prepaid phone and a friend of mine refused to hash out plans on the phone, which would have cost me like 20-50 cents, instead insisted on a long text conversation which used up about ten bucks of my phone card.

>>Matt, it seems like you just want to cling to being right.

I am not the only one.

>>Again, these days, an increasing number of people, especially those under 40, prefer other modes of contact than a voice call.

I am sure if you make your preference known to me I will be happy to accommodate you. But if your preference is not known to me, I do not think it rude that I am not going to agonize over how I might maybe, possibly, disturb you in some minor manner by giving you a call. If I do disturb you, I expect you to be an adult about it. Politely let me know this is not a good time and call me back or don't pick up the phone.

So to reiterate - ignoring someone's preference to not be called is rude. Calling someone when you know they are working can be rude. Calling someone who has indicated no preference is not rude. I'm not a mind reader. Agonizing over which method of communication to use in order to "not bother someone ever" seems a pointless exercise in futility rather than polite.

Even though I disagree with your premise, you can rest assured that if we were friends you would never have to worry about getting a call from me because in this instance that would be rude.

>>The point is finding out people's preferences instead of assuming you know them.

Best give em a call and find out. :>)

The thing I hate is voicemails or texts that say "Call me"

Hellllllll no. You want a call back you let me now what it is about, cause 90% of 'call me' calls require hanging up after the convo to look up whatever I could have looked up BEFORE I called you back had you bothered to let me know what you wanted

Amy is right. You guys are exceptions to the rule or else over the "40" hill. People don't use their phones as phones anymore.

I can't imagine outright calling someone

I think cell phones and the internet have turned us all into a bunch of self centered isolationists.

If someone does not give me their cell phone number, I assume they don't want to be called.

My phone and my ipad both have those do not disturb functions where you can set the times you do not wish the phone to ring.

I can also block callers.

If I want peace and quiet, or I am busy, I will not answer.

So much better than the 19th century practice of sending a letter a month in advance of your arrival, or dressing up on Sunday so you can walk around town leaving calling cards, in little trays by the front door.

Well, I'm over 40 and I HATE talking on the phone. Send me a freaking email or text me. Business calls waste a lot of time with the "blah blah niceties" - get to the point, I have work to do.

I only call someone when I absolutely have to.

Isab, I don't think that I would be up for sending a letter by mail a month before arrival, but dressing up and walking around town leaving calling cards sounds like a good time could be had, especially if done with a friend. I suppose it all depends on where one leaves the cards.

"Because you have a setup for you -- like turning off your phones -- doesn't mean we all should have to do that."

You don't have to have a phone at all, or you can turn off the ringer so it is essentially a one way communications device.

I just find it much easier for the phone owner to control the phone, than for me, as a potential caller to read minds, and figure out under what circumstances, and at what times, a person who has given me their number, might want me to actually use it.

I try and use good judgement. Not late at night, or too early in the morning, but that is getting difficult as well, because these days cell phones will ring anywhere in the world.

I don't expect my friends, and people I do business with to know when I am in Japan which is a 13-17 hour time difference from the continental US.

People calling from landlines, don't usually have the ability to text you.

I don't expect my doctor's office to send me a text saying "R U
Busy? And then wait for me to call them back, and confirm my appointment.

I reiterate, that it is much easier for the phone's owner to control when the phone rings, than for a potential caller to anticipate where the call receiver is and what they might be doing,

It isn't rude to call someone under the assumption, that if they cant answer it, they wont;

anymore than I would stand outside the door of a one stall public restroom while I worried that it might be rude to use it for fear someone might show up who had a more urgent need than I did.

I love you Amy for writing about this. I have alot of one on one meetings so I prefer written communication because I'm not always available to pick up my cell.

Yesterday I had a gal from a previous job call me. I didn't pick up but I texted her "what is this regarding? I can't pick up ". She didn't say but proceeded to call again. " I have two meetings do not call what is this regarding?"

SHE PROCEEDED TO CALL ME AGAIN. Finally I got out of her what she wanted....she made it seem like an emergency. It wasn't. I had to provide instructions on a special mixture that I used to do. Keep in mind I don't work for this company anymore so I have no obligation.

No wonder all the men who would get calls from her hated her. And to top it all off she asks me if I'm free for lunch that day, what the ACTUAL FUCK.

I remember when "giving good phone" was a Pre-req for success in Hollywood, aka show biz. And the cold call might get me a chance to sell myself and get a gig.
Now, it's voicejail and recordings and never a chance to speak with someone who doesn't follow on Twitter.

I think cell phones and the internet have turned us all into a bunch of self centered isolationists.

If only that were true.

Do you know what my dream is? To open vacation resort with sensory derivation tanks, on the dark side of the moon, and never let anyone in.

I have a 17-year-old and a 13-year-old. They react to actual phone calls as though the grim reaper is on the other end. Complete with shrieking, moaning, and wails of "WHY DOES HE/SHE HAVE TO CALL ME? Oh. My. Gawd." Doesn't matter WHO is calling, either. You all may not be of this age, but it's a fair warning to those communicating with the younger generation.

I still don't get how racking up someone's phone bills with text messages, even after they've told you, is more polite than calling.

... nor how assuming everyone has the same phone plan as you, or assuming because YOU dont mind paying charges for messages, is better than assuming people want to be called.

I'm in my forties and don't mind my phone ringing. That said, my ex-wife does something that I think is really polite. Rather than call, she'll send a text that reads, "got time to chat?" This does a couple of things:

- it gives me the opportunity to politely let her know I'm busy.
- it keeps me from being alarmed. If there's something going on with one of our adult kids, she'll ring the phone.
- it lets me know that it's just a friendly chat and that I'll need a pretty good block of time available. I'd better get comfortable, she's a talker.

I've never seen this addressed before as an etiquette topic, but it's a good one. I don't know what started her doing the "got time to chat" text, but I've always found that it was really considerate of my time and feelings.