Cell Phone Rudeness: "Privatizing Public Space As One's Own"
That's how I describe it in The Telephone chapter of my new book, "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck."
I also offer solutions -- those most likely to get a person to pipe down or turn off the sound on their phone. (In other words, they take into account the realities of human behavior.)








I usually agree with you but sometimes I think you're a little over sensitive. Maybe you can get by with a phone on vibrate but I need to hear it or I'm going to miss the message. It's not like it's that loud or in your face. Frankly I think it's rude of you to expect me to keep my phone quiet just for you.
mike at June 15, 2014 7:18 AM
"Frankly I think it's rude of you to expect me to keep my phone quiet just for you."
Frankly, I think it's rude of you to assume that everyone else wants to hear your phone go off because you're such a special snowflake that you are exempt from being considerate of others.
Flynne at June 15, 2014 8:12 AM
Hey Mike; unless that call is about the life-saving kidney you've been waiting for - others don't need to hear to go off everywhere, at any time.
Charles at June 15, 2014 8:33 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/06/cell-phone-rude.html#comment-4763146">comment from CharlesFlynne is right. Charles is right.
Sometimes -- because we're all human and fallible -- we'll do irritating things that interrupt other people's lives or make them worse in some way. But to think that your phone call takes precedence over other people's attention to the movie...to have your phone call go off like an alarm in a setting where other people are enjoying lunch...if you are so urgently needed, perhaps you should stay in your office. Why do you think you have a right to interrupt everybody else's lives with the sound of "I HAVE BUSINESS TO CONDUCT!"
Imagine if everybody had that attitude. We'd have constant ringtones going off everywhere. And then the person has to figure out where they put their phone (especially in the case of women who leave it somewhere in their voluminous handbag). I don't shout my business in your ear in public or have ringing bells go off when you're trying to have lunch. Really, I don't understand the presumption (and apparent self-importance) that goes into the thinking of those who think, "Too bad if you don't want my business ringing like an alarm in your life."
Amy Alkon
at June 15, 2014 8:53 AM
Who said anything about movies?
I'm talking about in general daily life. People have phones. Some times they ring. Deal with it. Try to shame me and I'll shame you back.
This is absurd
mike at June 15, 2014 10:20 AM
I'm talking about in general daily life. People have phones. Some times they ring. Deal with it.
We're also talking about in general daily life. Yes, people have phones. Yes, sometimes they ring. But NO, you don't have to be a douche bag about it. There's no shame in being considerate of others. The shame is in NOT knowing (and/or caring) that you're being inconsiderate of others.
Yes, Mike, SHAME on you.
Flynne at June 15, 2014 11:23 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/06/cell-phone-rude.html#comment-4763525">comment from mikeTry to shame me and I'll shame you back.
Good luck with that. I feel no shame in saying that it's important to be considerate of other people.
Amazing that you're suggesting I should feel shame.
Your feeling is that your life takes priority over other people's -- to the extent that you get to interrupt their thoughts, conversation, reading with an alerting sound.
I don't have it in me to feel that sense of entitlement.
Why do you think you are entitled to take over other people's attention?
Amy Alkon
at June 15, 2014 12:04 PM
Take over your attention? Seriously? That's absurd. By the same logic Amy you shouldn't go around in revealing or form fitting outfits because you will take over the attention of men who find you attractive.
mike at June 15, 2014 4:33 PM
It's democratic as fuck. One's expectation of private business not occurring in public spaces has ineluctably changed. Aristo ranting about the sheer proletarian banality of the canaille will not avail.
Perhaps the market will provide Casa GetOffMyLawn enclaves for those who find the transition unbearable. The rest of us, eh, tradeoffs.
New capabilities, incentives, behaviors, mores. Adapt or be left behind.
phunctor at June 15, 2014 5:56 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/06/cell-phone-rude.html#comment-4764308">comment from phunctorI write in the book, per a growing area of research, about why a one-sided conversation is more interruptive to the brain than a two-sided one. Your brain pays attention -- it's automatic -- in a way it does not to a two-sided conversation, except if the conversation is in gibberish or a language you do not understand.
It is terribly rude to do this to other people. I sometimes have phone calls to make. I sure don't force everybody to be an audience to my business. Also, frankly, there was once a guy on a plane yammering about some secret deal that couldn't get out before Monday. He was lucky I had a busy weekend at an alt weeklies convention. You force me and others around you to hear you yap-yap-yapping on your cell, well, clearly, you have no intention of keeping the information private, and I'd like to help you in that by blogging about it an naming names.
No, I know -- it won't turn you into a more considerate person. But other rude, self-absorbed people might be deterred from behaving similarly.
Amy Alkon
at June 15, 2014 7:13 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/06/cell-phone-rude.html#comment-4764311">comment from Amy AlkonPS It isn't "modern" or -- this was weird -- "democratic" to force other people to listen to your business. It's just rude. As for the notion that technology dictates behavior -- well, only if you're a robot. Being considerate doesn't go out of style as technology comes in.
Amy Alkon
at June 15, 2014 7:15 PM
rude:democratic :: prescriptive:descriptive
I'm not arguing for rude. I'm arguing for avoiding lost causes.
Technology changes social power relations. The rise of the manufacturing classes coincided with a great efflorescence of formal etiquette, as insiders attempted to fortify their social positions. Today we speak of a comedy of manners.
These facts are independent of the relative merits of the new versus the old ways.
I agree that dropping the call in the punchbowl is rude; classy today is "excuse me, I have to take this" and taking it to a corner. But a demand that the mere fact that someone is communicating should not impinge on my pristine consciousness? Puhleez.
I believe there's a thing called a throat mike. It allows communication with very low room leakage. It's typically used to protect the speaker's privacy, not the room's. I think a campaign to encourage its gracious use to unburden the room would be as effective as one for bringing back the fish knife. But what do I know?
I could be completely wrong in my projection. If enough people are affronted by being subjected to others' business leakage, someone will, at a price, offer them a space free from such affronts. Want to bet $100, payment to winner's favorite charity, that this will happen? Or is it a lost cause?
phunctor at June 15, 2014 9:31 PM
People have phones. Some times they ring. Deal with it.
People have urine. Sometimes they pee. Is it "Democratic" if I do it down your leg, Mike?
ThatBob at June 15, 2014 10:02 PM
I'm not arguing for rude. I'm arguing for avoiding lost causes.
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Trouble is, especially when it comes to child-rearing, too many parents are wimps who follow the herd and think that doing anything different is the same as supporting "a lost cause." E.g., they buy TVs and Playstations and computers - not for the family, but for the child's BEDROOM! And then they wonder why the kid doesn't like to read, has trouble with grades, is obese, and/or lacks face-to-face social skills with adults or kids with more restrictions, who are forced to use their imaginations more!
When a million people believe in a stupid, destructive idea, it's still a stupid, destructive idea.
And yes, it's still rude to bring a book OR a cellphone to the dinner table, even if "everyone" - including selfish adults - does it these days. If parents want their kids' attention and conversation at mealtimes, they have to set an example - AND they have to ignore their kids' temporary sulking over the rule.
lenona at June 16, 2014 9:34 AM
It's bad even if you can hear both sides of a cell phone call. On an Amtrak train, I was treated to a 20- or 30-minute conversation that a dense, inefficient employee had with her IT guy. She put him on speaker. I got her full name, the IT guy's full name, the name of the respected medical school that employs them, her email address, and I learned right along with her how to set up remote access to this medical school's servers on my laptop.
Sue at June 18, 2014 7:30 AM
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