But maybe the homeless guy would go for her.

Since when do homeless guys go for sandwiches anyway? They carry signs that say "Will Work For Food," but seriously, how many of them actually mean that? They want the cash so they can booze it up.

While reading "A penis is not a philanthropic organization" (great line) it struck me that, with a few little twists, philanthropic can be turned into phulanthrobbing.

They carry signs that say "Will Work For Food,"

As I recall, Amy is a fan of the very funny cartoonist (R.I.P.) John Callahan. One of my favorite cartoons of his shows a fly standing on a sidewalk with a sign saying "Will Work For Poop."

It's a myth that you can learn to be attracted to someone because they're a great person.

Likely true in general but I'm sure there are instances of someone becoming attracted to another person over time as they grow to like who the person is. Although my experience doesn't exactly fit that scenario, because I became attracted to her relatively quickly, I met a woman five years ago and wasn't that physically attracted to her on our first date. Prior to that, if I wasn't attracted to a woman on a first date, I never called her for a second. But, in this case, she was so sharp & witty, and we had so much in common, that I decided to ask her out again. And, by about the third or fourth date, she became very attractive to me and remained that way.

But, in this case, she was so sharp & witty, and we had so much in common, that I decided to ask her out again. And, by about the third or fourth date, she became very attractive to me and remained that way.

Posted by: JD at June 1, 2014 8:59 AM

And if you are still together when you are 70, it is going to be because of that witty personality, and the way she treats you as a person, not because you did or didn't have an erection on that first date.

I've met 3 different couples who were in marriages arranged by their parents.

They were all college-educated professionals and appeared surprised that they were in "love".

I think Isab hit on the head. They treated each other w/respect and probably enjoyed great sex (at that age and with no comparisons all sex is great). Friendship then apparently led to something much more.

Plus, they all commented on how their parents really seemed to have matched them up well.

Seems to me that if you are over a certain age and are not rich enough to attract anyone younger than you (and even if you are, that doesn't guarantee the younger person will want to MARRY you or even sleep with you more than a couple of times), it shouldn't be that difficult to learn to tolerate a few gray hairs or more on the other person. What choice do such people have?

I have known many women who became more attractive as I got to know and them.

I have known a few women who became less attractive as I got to know them.

"know and like them."

I think Amy is talking about those situations where you have already established a bond (usually a deep one) and just never become physically attracted.

I've read several columns of either someone hooking up with their best friend and never forming an attraction, a leabian wanfing to be attracted to men because she didn't like women's attitudes, or someone gaining a massive amount of weight.

It's not about people you meet a handful of times and then grow attracted to them. That certainly can happen.

"What choice do such people have?" lenona

'If you want peace, then live alone' John Popper

They can opt out, and if the winds hold, they can be happy.

I was recently reminded by a woman I much respect and enjoy intellectually, that if I don't keep my yap shut on certain subjects, she gets quite upset.

This time all I said was: "men don't get to have their own "issues" [re: Women's issues politically} we have to care about everything."

Conversation came to a screeching halt. Admittedly it's a challenging thing to say, and it demands a response... I was thinking it would be something intellectual, rather than silence- but?
sometime's it be like that.

And I live alone, so there's no-one to throw my laundry out... in divorcing little-miss-can't-be-wrong, I discover what I will no longer accept.

"in the sphere of" is a good way to put it and, again, likely true for the most part. But I'm sure you can find exceptions to that rule.

Ppen: I think Amy is talking about those situations where you have already established a bond (usually a deep one) and just never become physically attracted.

I'd agree. If you've already grown to like someone a lot and have a connection with them, but have never grown attracted to them, then it's highly unlikely you ever will. Still, it's "highly unlikely", not "never never never." Human beings aren't like gravity.

Isab: And if you are still together when you are 70, it is going to be because of that witty personality, and the way she treats you as a person,

I wouldn't have minded it turning out that way but it didn't. I ended finding her very attractive because of who she was but, unfortunately, she didn't feel that way about me. She was 5'10", which is my height, and she said she needed a guy taller than her (this seems to be a common requirement for women.)

She was 5'10", which is my height, and she said she needed a guy taller than her (this seems to be a common requirement for women.)

Posted by: JD at June 1, 2014 9:27 PM

She will probably come to regret that decision. What seems very important to someone when they are young, rarely remains so, 30 years later.

I am of an age, where I know a lot of men and women who regret passing up someone with character, and personality for someone who very briefly, meets a single arbitrary physical standard. Like tallness (relative) or blue eyes.

Genetics is a funny thing. I am 5'6". My husband, half an inch shorter. Our son, the inheritor of the tall genes on both sides of the family, is 6'2".

I have known a few women who became less attractive as I got to know them.

Posted by: Matt at June 1, 2014 12:08 PM

One of my favorite proverbs:

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.

Oh, and JD, if you were a billionaire, no woman including your former girlfriend would give a flying fuck how tall you are.
She would be able to 'make it work'

"I am of an age, where I know a lot of men and women who regret passing up someone with character, and personality for someone who very briefly, meets a single arbitrary physical standard."

That's true. But the opposite happens too. After divorcing my first wife, of which I've written here before, I came to realize that in terms of pretty much anything that I find physically attractive in a woman, she was the opposite. Talk about getting married for the wrong reasons.

That's true. But the opposite happens too. After divorcing my first wife, of which I've written here before, I came to realize that in terms of pretty much anything that I find physically attractive in a woman, she was the opposite. Talk about getting married for the wrong reasons.
Posted by: Cousin Dave at June 2, 2014 11:50 AM

Yes, no doubt that happens too, but if she was loyal, responsible fun, and considerate, (and not a cluster B Bitch) something tells me she would have been more attractive to you too, and you would have stayed married.

And if you don't have kids, as far as I am concerned, no harm, no foul.
I could care less who you are living with (or sleeping with), and what kind of paper if any, formalizes the agreement.

She will probably come to regret that decision. What seems very important to someone when they are young, rarely remains so, 30 years later.

Nice of you to say that, Isab, but I tend to think she won't. She wasn't exactly young when we met (she was 45) and a man's height may be as essential to her as it is to Amy (and other women.) I was really bummed when she didn't want to continue because a similar sense of humor is very important to me and we shared the same droll, irreverent sense of humor.

...if you were a billionaire, no woman including your former girlfriend would give a flying fuck how tall you are. She would be able to 'make it work.'

I agree...for the most part. I wouldn't say "no" woman. I bet there are some women who are actually repulsed by men much shorter than they are and even the lure of a very cushy lifestyle wouldn't be enough to compensate for that.

I am 5'6". My husband, half an inch shorter.

Obviously you're not one of those women who views taller as essential. I could be wrong but I think that, in general, a man being taller than them is more important to women than a woman being shorter than them is to men.

No, JD. I am not attracted to men who are shorter than I am. I am also not attracted to skinny men. This will not change.

Amy, I can see how what I wrote came across as pertaining to an individual but I meant people in general. What I meant, and should have written, was:

If you take everyone who has already grown to like someone a lot and has a connection with them, but has never grown attracted to them, then it's highly unlikely most of those people ever will. Still, it's "highly unlikely", not "never never never." Some people in that group may very well end up becoming attracted to their close friend.

I think that, if you were take an individual (such as yourself) and you knew what that person was like, you'd have a better chance at predicting that they'd never grow to be attracted to someone they didn't find attractive.

I have no doubt that you would never be in a relationship with a man who is shorter than you or who is skinny. I'm certain of your certainty.

Who knew, all this time, that erectile dysfunction was actually erectile discrimination?